Quick Measure of How My Week Is Going

Like most people my most reliable mental health gauge is how long it takes me to find all six differences in the day’s Slylock Fox puzzle. Most of this month, it’s been pretty good, really. Maybe above average. And yet today I was seriously entertaining the thought that perhaps one of the six differences in this underwater scene of — you know, it hardly matters what. It’s an underwater scene — might not be a gill. I don’t know where my head is. It’s probably somewhere in the second panel, missing.

Bob Weber Jr and Scott Diggs Underwood’s Slylock Fox for the 29th of November, 2023. Incidentally it took me longer than it should have to realize the octopus was the hero here and wasn’t just holding the woman in a body cage to imperil her, which is another guide to how much head I have this week.

What’s Going On In Judge Parker? How did Sam figure out everything about Ma Parker’s operation? September – November 2023

Sam Driver and Gloria Shannon managed to extract the strip, for now, from both Pavel Lebedev’s crime family thingy and the CIA’s scrutiny. This by trading to them all the data available about Ma Parker — Helena Bowen, I learned her name was — and her own international crime racket. This is information neither group could get on their own; so, how did Sam Driver and Gloria Shannon find it?

Ma Parker gave it to them. Yeah, this isn’t said explicitly. But we’re told Helena Bowen wanted to get April Parker her own life back. And that Bowen and Sam Driver planned out the resolution we saw. This isn’t the simplest case for Inspector Bazalo, but it’s also not his toughest case.

So this should catch you up to late November 2023 in Francesco Marciuliano and Mike Manley’s Judge Parker. If you’re reading this after about February 2024 I keep all my plot recaps at this link, so there may be a more current one available. Also news, as for example James Bret Blevins’s taking over the art for Judge Parker while Mike Manley recovers from hospitalization. Hoping he’ll be all right soon.

Judge Parker.

3 September – 25 November 2023.

I last checked in just as a chance(?) car accident landed Sam and Abbey in the clutches of Pavel Lebedev, who’s threatening the entire cast with death unless Driver turns over April Parker’s mother. After a several month jump, the moment came. Sam Driver gets the call. Helena Bowen is at her daughter’s house. The plan is on.

Suspended Detective Yelich knows nothing of Driver and Shannon’s plan. Neither does April Parker. And neither do the readers. This is the part that left me unsatisfied. It’s exciting watching a risky plan swing into action, but if you don’t have any idea what the plan is, you can’t know whether it’s going wrong and whether our heroes are in unexpected danger. It all goes to plan, so far as I have any idea what the plan was.

Francesco Marciuliano and Mike Manley’s Judge Parker for the 9th of October, 2023. I have fallen out of the habit of reading the comics snark blogs regularly (just no time, lately), but I’m going ahead and guessing that a lot of merriment was made with Yelchin wanting to know how he’s in the dark, possibly with comparisons drawn to the readers being in the dark and maybe Marciuliano himself being in the dark about what was happening and why. Anyway, good narrator work that first panel there.

What the plan was: Sam Driver escorts Helena Bowen out of April Parker’s house, wehre Lebedev’s man can see him doing that. But, since the CIA’s been watching the Parkers’ house, they arrest Bowen, and Sam Driver, first. Lebedev’s man reports Driver’s failure, in time for Shannon to taser him senseless and throw him in Yelich’s trunk.

They race to Lebedev’s mansion and offer a trade. A USB drive with a full map of all Helena Bowen’s organization in it, in trade for being let alone. Lebedev confirms enough of the information to believe the rest. And he says it’s a deal, which Shannon and so Driver believe, for some reason. Word goes out to all the cast to come out of hiding. This seems premature to me, but I guess Marciuliano knows how dangerous things really are for them.

Meanwhile in super-secret ultra hyper CIA jail, Sam Driver bargains for his freedom with the same data. Lebedev is sure to go after Helena Bowen’s operation, and here’s her operation. They can make a deal, right? And while the CIA has both Sam Driver and his USB drive, they agree to let him go, albeit under heavy scrutiny. There’s a similar arrangement between April Parker and Agent Shadewrap.

Francesco Marciuliano and Mike Manley and James Bret Blevins’s Judge Parker for the 16th of November, 2023. What I would have liked to know is whether Bowen approached Driver, or whether Driver found some way to contact her. We’re given a motive for Bowen to turn herself in — regrets at the end of her life, wanting her daughter to have a life with her own child — but not why this became something she acted on. Given we’re told Yelchin did some work, it would make sense if Driver et al found how to contact Bowen and pressed her to a decision. But I don’t know, and I wonder if Marciuliano does.

So as of this week, April and Randy Parker are back together at home again. The extra cast are also back, or going back, to their homes. And Sam Driver and Abbey Spencer are reunited, and all it took was several months of terror.

Incidentally: so, was the car accident that first brought Sam and Abbey to Peter Lebedev’s attention legit? Or was it staged so the two wouldn’t have reason to question how they ended up on the hook for April Parker’s mother? I can see a case to make either way. If the accident was an accident then Lebedev put together his blackmail plan in the time it took to drive his daughter home. If it wasn’t an accident then we have to wonder who volunteered to crash his car into the one other car on the road. Not unthinkable, especially if the accident was worse than it was supposed to be. The guy getting eaten by a bear has to have been an unplanned accident either way.

Next Week!

After Lebedev realizes Sam Driver gave all this same information to the CIA and orders the entire cast killed? I take on some more lighthearted fare with ghosts and a monster-abuser in Shadia Amin, Emi Burdge, and Randy Milholland’s Olive and Popeye. Don’t miss it!

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_, Episode 4: The Lost Treasure of Pirate’s Cove

Are you still interested in my journey through the 1987 series Popeye and Son? You can see all my reviews of the series here. Today’s episode, the second cartoon of episode four, is The Lost Treasure of Pirate’s Cove. Its writing is credited to Eric Lewald, whom we know for bringing us The Sea Monster. And what’s he giving us now?

The Plot: Junior and his friends take an unsupervised afternoon to go shallow-sea diving in search of buried treasure. Despite mishaps including being carried off in a giant fish’s mouth, they find a sunken ship with a treasure chest. Ah, but Tank and his friends, pretending to be ghosts, steal the treasure chest — only for real actual pirate ghosts to help Junior get some spinach, rescue his friends, and get back home, never suspecting that the real treasure is the cabin full of gold coins he passed along the way.

So for the first time (to my knowledge) we have a story just with Junior and his generation. Popeye and Olive go off to tea, and to tease me with the prospect of seeing her parents. Maybe they turn up in another episode; I imagine the writers were encouraged to use whatever minor characters they felt like. It’s a good excuse to let Junior drive the story, which turns into what at least some Internet corners call a “Kids on Bikes” movie. In eleven minutes.

Most of the action is drifting between underwater jokes. That’s in a good tradition of sunken-treasure cartoons, including in the Popeye universe. The scene of the fish playing baseball was included in the teaser before the opening credits, and it had me wondering what kind of pun was being demonstrated. Was there a ”batfish” I never heard of? A ”basefish”? No, turns out it’s just a school of fish at recess. It’s a corner of the joke I haven’t seen before, will credit that. If it doesn’t work for you, that’s your business. Junior talking a couple eels into becoming an electric light is a solid one, and would be right in line with the 1930s version of this cartoon. It’s undercut only by the animation not making the setting dark enough before and bright enough after.

Oh hey, some fans of the Marlins.

The story is almost written from the moment you know the premise. The big uncertainty to me was whether it would turn out the map was some prank (by Popeye, maybe, or perhaps a promotion for Pirate Cereal or something) or accidentally sincere. I guess it’s a good thing I wasn’t sure until Tank and his friends, whose names I still don’t have, turned up as ghosts. From that, with the time remaining in the episode, I knew there had to be at least one real ghost. So the story didn’t have great surprises, but it was amiable enough and the jokes along the way were fair enough.

Where I’m dissatisfied is in characterization. I continue to have no idea who these people are. The one thing that’s certain is that Popeye Junior does not like spinach but eats it anyway, which is why he makes this little ‘yuck’ noise after eating it. It’s an obvious but workable way to distinguish Junior from Popeye. But since they never talk about it, and it never even slows Junior down from his spinach power-up, it doesn’t affect anything. Tank hasn’t even got that to distinguish him from Bluto, and then there’s five other characters before the Pirate Ghosts come up. Granting the Pirate Ghosts don’t need personalities. But why stuff the cartoon so full of characters and not give them a verbal hook?

Since I mentioned the cartoon undercutting the electric light eels by not being shaded enough let me complain about animation some. Any given still of the cartoon is fine; Hanna-Barbera of this era had enough time to design characters and draw them right. But the motion is sloppy, and has been throughout the series. The fun in seeing some feat of ability, like Junior tossing the ship up and having it land back where it was, is seeing the movement come together. Seeing the ship slide off to the right and then drop into place from the left is unsatisfying. Every episode so far has had something like this. I understand they’re working with limited time and budget to plan out complex movement, and you can’t write cartoons where no interesting movement happens. But animation where the stunts match what the story wants them to be would bump the cartoon up a full letter grade.

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_, Episode 4: Don’t Give Up The Picnic

Today’s Popeye and Son adventure is the first cartoon of episode four, Don’t Give Up The Picnic. It’s written by John Loy, whom we already know from Here Today, Goon Tomorrow. If you want to read my review of that, all of my Popeye and Son reviews should be at this link. And now, on with today’s show.

The plot: It’s Picnic Games Day! But after Bluto swipes his burgers, J Wellington Wimpy joins forces with nephew Francis to beat him in feats of athletic-themed ability. When Bluto and Tank’s mischief sends the Wimpys’ rowboat towards the Falls, Popeye and Junior give up their chances to win to build a canal that lets the Wimpys beat Bluto, and everyone agrees that’s as nearly a fair competition as they can hope for.

This is a decently-crafted cartoon. The premise of competing in a bunch of stunts with one party cheating is well-established in the Popeye animated universes alone. It’s likely never going to leave us; it’s too good a hook to hang a bunch of simple little competition jokes on.

What this short brings that’s new is quantity, particularly the number of teams playing. There’s only three that matter, but having Popeye and Junior take a dive so Wimpy and Francis can beat out Bluto and Tank is more interesting than just two teams competing. Popeye’s other friends and their parents(?) get some screen time too, although not names or much to help me understand their personalities. We also get the warning that teams that don’t finish an event are eliminated, which seems harsh for a casual contest like this. I guess that it prevents Wimpy and Francis’s victory from being a plot hole when Bluto and Tank finish ahead of them in more events, but was that a plot hole anyone was going to care about? The elimination rule doesn’t sem to diminish the crowd of competitors enough to help either, except I guess for the final race when Bluto sinks the competition.

Also they preemptively close the plot hole of how Wimpy and Francis can win the competition, but leave open the question of why the rowboat race was over a path that forked into dangerous rapids and a waterfall? And didn’t even fence off the dangerous path? But it is hard to find half-mile long rivers that lead back to where you started so I guess you accept sme undesirable features.

“What’s that? You can get me an audition for Norm Feuti’s Gil? I’LL TAKE IT!”

There’s a fair bit I like here. Wimpy’s voice, for one, feels more natural than it did back in The Sea Monster. I mean the voice acting, but the rococo dialogue worked better for me too. Maybe the production staff just need some practice to get it more right. I also liked Wimpy’s characterization of joining the contest in a moment of angry revenge and then wanting nothing more to do with it.

And smaller stuff to, particularly little throwaway gags. Popeye using a ship’s wheel to turn the food on the grill. Olive’s picnic stuff exploding out of the basket to land in perfect order. Wimpy telling Francis to ask the others in the chariot race to slow down. Wimpy facing the waterfall, resigned to how they are going to get wet. This is the kind of thing that gives a cartoon character.

Bluto sure got lucky picking the palm tree to put the tree-elevation-change button in, didn’t he? I guess he had his people install trees ahead of time so he could try to win the contest. Still a smarter use of money than buying Twitter. There’s a similar point to make about the rowboats. I’m not sure what it says about the worldbuilding that the contest has a no-spinach rule, when Popeye claims not to have used it in past wins, That noen of the referees ever notices Bluto’s cheating is built into the premise. But Popeye threatening to reveal Bluto’s magic palm tree button is weird then. Is Popeye accepting that there’s no stopping Bluto from cheating? Or is he unwilling to beat Bluto by appealing to the judges, only his spinach?

I liked Junior’s hesitation at breaking out the spinach and forfeiting the contest. I also liked Popeye’s declaring that people are at risk. Part of me feels like Popeye should have underscored his reasoning. But the terse explanation teaches as well, and maybe better than a monologue would.

Statistics Saturday: Most and Least Probable Dates For Black Friday

Most

1. Friday
2. Friday
3. Friday
4. Friday
5. Friday
6. Thursday (preview)
7. Friday

Least

1. Blue Friday
2. Blanc Friday
3. Blush Friday
4. Bloke Friday
5. Blast Friday
6. Bleat Friday
7. Bleast Friday
8. Bleached Friday
9. Blame Friday

Reference: The Great Arc: The Dramatic Tale of How India Was Mapped and Everest Was Named, John Keay.

Granting This Can Only Affect People Born Before 1935

But hey, you ever think about how the ‘Franksgiving’ controversy, where President Franklin Roosevelt started declaring Thanksgiving one week earlier than the last Thursday of the month for 1939 and 1940, a move that the very serious 1936 Republican presidential candidate Alf Landon said was the kind of thing Hitler did, and everyone compromised by making Thanksgiving the fourth Thursday of the month instead, messed things up for some people? I mean, there’s people who were born the 29th or 30th of November who grew up thinking how, now and then, their birthdays were going to also be Thanksgivings, and now suddenly and through no fault of their own, they weren’t going to be? I mean, I’ve never had a birthday that was near any particular national holiday, so maybe I don’t understand that it’s more trouble than it’s worth. But it still seems like having that yanked away from you would be a disappointment.

Anyway no, I’ve never had reason to think I wasn’t basically neurotypical, why do you ask?

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 14

Previously on Altered Destiny: Author-protagonist Keith A—‘s second meeting with Destiny has brought him a gift. It’s Sasha, a loud talking computer strapped to his wrist. Destiny promises not only is Sasha able to cyberjack extreme him but it’ll help him get along with the Sonic the Hedgehog cast who’ve been worried about how he’s the other human in the world besides Robotnik.

This segment and the rest of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction of of Altered Destiny should be at this link. After all this I’ll explain whatever needs explaining, or excusing.

---

>

>Chapter 4: A New Player

TOM: Five civilizations…play the Americans…President Abe Lincoln…difficulty ‘easy.’

>
> "…And that’s it. So," Keith said, standing up, "what
>shall we do next?"

CROW: I’m up for grilled cheese sandwiches, myself.

> He had just spent the past half hour
>relating to Sally, Sonic, and Bunnie

ALL: [ Snickering ]

> just what had happened
>the previous night. Bunnie, who

JOEL: Was really bitter at the lack of effort given to naming her.

> had no idea what happened
>after he walked away from the trial, was quickly filled in
>by Sonic.

CROW: With 10W40 oil.

> "So that’s it? Y’all come here, ya give us that
>there dressin’-down, an’ now y’expect us ta jus’ trust ya
>like nuthin’ happened?" Keith gazed at Bunnie solemnly.

TOM: [ As Keith ] "You’re German, aren’t you?"

>"No. I don’t expect you to go on as if it were nothing.

CROW: I expect you to *die*, Ms. Rabbot.

> It
>was a big thing, I know. But, you have to understand. One
>of the reasons I came here in the first place was to escape

JOEL: This ‘Destiny’ freak. What is with her, anyway?

>all the stereotypes, the judgment, all that ‘sins of the
>father’ [ bleep ]

TOM: Aw, great, Joe Don Baker gets into the cartoons.

> that has become a way of life on my planet.
>The other, to do exactly what I’m doing now, offering

CROW: This exclusive licensing deal.

> my
>services in order to help win back your world. Now, do you
>understand?"

TOM: Uh…Joel?

JOEL: Go ahead, this one deserves it.

TOM: Thanks. "If your puny brains don’t understand I could use even smaller words."

>
> "Ah understand. It’ll take some time to get used ta

CROW: Mah eksent.

>it, but ah understand." Bunnie did. The first few weeks
>after her partial roboticization were worse than any torture
>that she could have conceived.

JOEL: Except for dealings with her Student Loans Officer.

> She knew how it was, to bear
>the sorrow and frustration on her shoulders. Over time,
>they accepted her, and realized

TOM: She had a built-in percolator, too.

> that there was still a
>living heart in her chest.

JOEL: It belonged to the space metal-parasite that had infested her.

> But she never forgot the lessons
>those weeks taught her.

CROW: One. Never call someone "Bob" if he introduced himself to you as "Robert."

JOEL: Two. The Chain Rule and Integration by Parts are equivalent mathematical operations.

TOM: Three. Having lots of incidents doesn’t make for a plot.

>
> Keith smiled. "Good. I am glad to meet you, Bunnie,
>and I hope I can be as good a friend as these two." He
>offered his hand.

TOM: [ As Bunnie ] "Oh, you’re friends with your hands…well, that’s special, I guess."

> Bunnie was surprised at the sudden
>gesture of friendship, but then she grinned and took it.

CROW: "OW! OW! MINE DOESN’T COME OFF! LET GO! OW!"

>"Well, all right then, sugah. Let’s go get that fat boy!"

JOEL: John Goodman, you’re goin’ down!

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Remember the plan?

TOM: "Right. I’m to be captured and be a distraction, then you come get me in the end, right?"

> Bunnie and Sonic, set the charges.
>Keith you and… Sasha cut the alarms. Two minutes, and

CROW: Then another two minutes.

>I’ll fire. Ready? Go!" Sonic dashed off, with Bunnie in

JOEL: His trunk. Who knows why?

>tow. Keith hooked Sasha into the security alarms via a
>small comm terminal that was nearby.

TOM: Artoo! What have I told you about talking with strange computers?

> When he got the signal
>from Sasha, he flashed the thumbs-up to Sally.

CROW: Unfortunately, on Mobius, this is the equivalent of giving "the finger" several times over, and a fight erupted and they all were killed. The end.

[ To continue … ]

---

Not a whole lot needing explaining here. I’m sorry not to have had better riffs for the lessons Bunnie Rabbot’s weeks had taught her. John Goodman used to weigh more than he does now. And I like the way I imagine Crow crying about how “OW OW MINE DOESN’T COME OFF!”. Your line reading may vary.

I still think they could have put a little more effort into naming Bunnie Rabbot.

And Now a News Piece for the 60th Anniversary

I know what you’re wondering and yes, the recycling machines at Meijer’s took it for our 10 cent refund.

DALEK VOICE: THE DOC TOR HAS ES CAPED!

What’s Going On In Gil Thorp? Did Gil Thorp’s kid have an abortion? August – November 2023

Yeah. Well, I guess there’s a sliver of deniability if you suppose this wasn’t a home pregnancy test, but, c’mon. Keri and Gil Thorp have a quick family meeting with Pedro Martinez, while his father’s busy with the Milford football game. And in less time than it takes everyone to thank Mary Worth for suggesting they talk about what’s bothering them, Keri is recovering in a hospital bed.

So that is the big news and big development in Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Gil Thorp the past three. I, too, am amazed how much it was not built up as a Very Special Episode. It’s also a reversal of one of the few famous Gil Thorp stories, from back in 2002-03 when Left Behind novelist Jerry Jenkins wrote the strip.

Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Rex Morgan, M.D. for the 14th of October, 2023. Oh, yeah, so Dorothy and Keri have gotten pretty tight the last couple months, bonding over those shenanigans after Nome King Ruggedo discovered the magic word to induce shape-shifting and tried to lead the animals of Oz in a rebellion.

And yes, Keri and Pedro had been taking precautions. Keri mentioned having an IUD, at minimum. It’s just that the only sure method against pregnancy is laminating your body with at least 15mm weight plastic and never removing yourself from the box.

With luck, this essay should catch you up to mid-November 2023. If you’re reading this after about February 2024 odds are there’s a more up-to-date plot recap here. And now on into the world of high school sports …

Gil Thorp.

28 August – 18 November 2023.

Breaking things down by person rather than chronological order worked last time, so I’ll give that a fresh try.

Keri Thorp and Pedro Martinez’s brief pregnancy you already read about. There are hints that the event might lead to some important further family developments, though. Keri’s abortion brought Mimi Thorp back from the golfing road. Mimi’s been almost entirely absent from the strip. Her strongest presence was learning she can’t live without Ericka Carter. And that coworkers are, in fights, giving Gil Thorp beef about his marriage failing.

Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Rex Morgan, M.D. for the 12th of September, 2023. I’m not sure whether Martinez is out of line here. Yeah, he’s fighting over what is, at heart, a disagreement about work plans. On the other hand, this it is an argument about they should do for a half-hour at work. It’s not exactly a personal quarrel, except that the context makes it so.

Those fights? They’re provoked by the existence of Luke Martinez on the Milford coaching staff. To his credit, Martinez is trying to behave, emitting apologies at a rate of hundreds per day. He’s got a lot he feels awful about. His inability to be normal about Gil Thorp has strained his marriage. And it’s alienated Pedro. Pedro, meanwhile, took a bad hit defending Valley Tech’s perfect season in the big game against Milford. Last we saw Luke he was rushing onto the field to be with his son who is, note, on the other team. Yes, it takes more than a moment of normal affection to break through (justified) grievances. But a bit of rain can end a drought, so, we’ll see.

Also on the apology tour: Marty Moon. Everyone at Milford is angry at him for snitching on Toby Gordon and Rodney Barnes just because they were selling vape sticks. Pedro Martinez is angry for his family drama reasons. But Moon’s even getting a cold shoulder from new Valley Tech coach Paul Kim.

Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Rex Morgan, M.D. for the 18th of November, 2023. I feel like there’s something weird in Luke Martinez coaching against his son, but I don’t know what the expected standards are for high school athletics. Maybe I’m overly fussy, since I’m in competitive pinball and that has a crazy network of competitors, tournament officials, and even game designers being the same people.

Kim’s perfect season does suggest maybe Luke Martinez isn’t as exceptional as he claims. In this case, though, Kim hasn’t got anything against Marty Moon. He just thinks this town is really, really weird about its high school athletics. Man has a point. I come from central Jersey, where high school sports rate at about a two, but Milford’s letting them cruise at around 186,244.

Anyway, Marty takes all this personally, even though only 95% of it is personal. But he has a dog and his support group, so, that’s something.

And hey, slumming basketball star Emmett Tays relied on the Celebrity Speed Trap to bring in special guest stars Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, that’s neat.

Milford Sports Watch!

Who’s playing Milford, and when? Or at least getting some mention on-screen? Here’s the league standings:

• Valley Tech ( 9 September)
• Oakwood ( 12 – 16 September)
• Central ( 23 September)
• Valley Tech ( 24 September)
• Goshen ( 27 – 30 September)
• Valley Tech ( 1 October)
• Jefferson ( 6 October)
• Unidentified ( 19 October)
• Batavia ( 27 – 29 October)
• Valley Tech ( 10 – 18 November)

Next Week!

What comic strip about the drama and romances of a small-town judge features all the international arms smugglers and super-secret spies running for mayor? Francesco Marciuliano and Mike Manley’s Judge Parker gets some attention from me, next week, all going well.

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_, Episode 3: Here Today, Goon Tomorrow

Today’s Popeye and Son is Episode 3, cartoon 2, Here Today, Goon Tomorrow, which has to be at least the eighteenth time Popeye has used that title. I haven’t checked but I’ve got to be right. What I have checked is that you can read all my Popeye and Son episode reviews at this link, should you feel so moved.

We have a split credit this time. The story’s credited to Bruce Falk, his only entry in the Popeye and Son world. He has a handful of writing credits on IMDB, with an episode of the New Kids On The Block cartoon and the 1986 My Little Pony and something called the Potato Head Kids that I assume is a prank I slipped in there. The teleplay’s credited to John Loy, who’s got many more titles including some that command respect. Three episodes of the Challenge of the GoBots, alone. Also two episodes of the 1985 Super Friends, making him one of the early scriptwriters to do the Death Of Superman story. But also 13 episodes of The Completely Mental Misadventures of Ed Grimley, a couple episodes of Pinky and the Brain, two of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventures, and four of the Back To The Future cartoon. Let’s watch.

The plot: Woody, sulking after losing the volleyball tournament to Junior, disappears. Popeye and Junior follow their one clue, a Goon necklace, to the dread Goon Island. Popeye and Junior escape an Audrey II plant, but get captured by Goons anyway, with their spinach ending up in the Goon Queen’s hat. It happens. Their fears that the Goons have cooked Woody are wrong: Woody’s ben doing the cooking. And more, as Goons have (sigh) taken him for their lost prince. Woody’s pleas to the Goon Queen to let his friends go backfires, as the Gons let them go … into a shark pit. Woody recovers the spinach, though, and tosses it to Popeye and Junior, who overcome the sharks, grab Woody, and flee. And reassure Woody that he’s a hero where it counts.

So, the Goons. Everyone loves them. Everyone’s not completely sure whether they’re racist or what. The Goons sure seem like Elzie Segar, and his successors, were saying something about colonialism and imperialism, but never worked out what. As often happened, what might have started as terrors got to be pleasant, familiar companions, while staying “almosk human”. So we would get a lot of poachers doing mean things to Goons and seeing that as wrong. And it opens a chance for stories where you spoof the audience’s familiar society by doing things goofily and leave people like me to ponder the deeper issues.

“Pop, is … is this the right place for so many Dad Jokes?” “Oh, son, these ain’t me Dad Jokes, they’s me Dead Jokes! Ak ak ak ak ak ak ak ak.”

Or, as this cartoon does, just straight-out use them to do the sort of Primitive Cannibal Tribe that you can’t cast humans for without the CBS Head of Programming coming down personally to slap you silly. I can’t say it’s wrong to try repositioning the Goons as strange, mysterious, dangerous creatures. But the cartoon is strongest, as usual, when it’s avoiding the cliches of these tribes of jungle cannibals. Not to brag but I did spot right away that Woody was cooking, not being cooked; sure, this reflects that I know how stories work and can see the runtime remaining. But I was glad for that. Also I was glad that we don’t see that Woody was abducted. Even at the end, it’s plausible the Goons asked Woody to come to their island and he chose to. It leaves unanswered what his parents thought of that, but Woody’s parents haven’t even been off-screen presences yet, so they don’t get opinions.

There’s several things I like a good bit here. Popeye’s voice sounds right, both in Maurice LaMarche’s acting and in lines like “ya can’t see your hand in front of your fist”. Junior opening the fog up like a shower curtain. The editing in which Popeye and Junior start off on a trail, worry they’re on the wrong one, and it transpires they’re neck-deep in quicksand. Seeing Woody’s face in a bowl of soup, turning out not to be a grief-induced hallucination but rather Woody’s geometrically dubious reflection.

Or there’s the whole scene of Popeye asking the skeleton for directions. That captures a Fleischer-era loopy feeling perfectly, down to the wind making the skeleton seem to answer. Given that Junior needed his father to clarify that “this Okefenokee oatmeal” was the quicksand they were in, I have to wonder what he thought Popeye was doing here. My only disappointment with this is the music. Imagine this but played with spooky music, or even no music, just rattling bone noises. It’d hit a great blend of funny and unsettling. Instead the soundtrack kneecaps the scene. They should have had this scene scored by a person who’s ever been frightened, even once, in their life.

Let me mention something I would have bet you couldn’t do in Saturday morning cartoons in 1987. When getting out of the shark pit, Popeye roars mightily. The shark’s teeth drop out and the shark shrinks. That’s satisfying; it gets the shark out of the plot, it’s preposterous, and Popeye doesn’t have to commit imitable violence against an animal. Son, then, grabs his shark by the tail and throws them into a tree so hard the shark shatters into luggage. I couldn’t tell you how many times Popeye did this to sharks or alligators or anything with scales, really. That was in theatrical cartoons, in a time when the concerns of distributors/networks were different.

I know, the shark was just an actor, paid as well as all the other non-speaking roles this cartoon. It has got me wondering what the rules were, though, about what kinds of fighting they could show and who could get punched and what for.

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_, Episode 3: Bluto’s Wave Pool

As I continue exploring the strange new world of Popeye and Son I draw now to the third episode, cartoon one: Bluto’s Wave Pool. Writing is credited to Anthony Adams, whom the Internet Movie Database credits with two episodes of this show, one episode of Foofur, two episodes of Fraggle Rock, and seven episodes of Darkwing Duck, all from the first season. So I don’t know about his whole work but he’s apparently someone good at the first seasons of things. Let’s watch.

Quick plot summary. Bluto’s annoyed that his new water park hasn’t got any attendees. Tank and his underbullies sabotage the public beach that is, after all, free and right there for everyone. Junior and Young VelmaDee Dee conclude Bluto’s responsible, and with Popeye start cleaning up the beach. To impress Young Daphne, Tank turns the computerized park controls up to “Action Park” and the resulting tidal wave threatens to destroy Sweethaven. Fortunately Popeye and Son are on hand to build a dike out of the palm trees, cleaning up the beach and sweeping everyone back to where they belong.

Quick thoughts. Am I a softie? Because I kind of liked this one. Things that I was dissatisfied with last episode, like not having any handle on the characters, got a bit better. Like, Young Shaggy turns out to be named Woody, and he’s a young surfer dude. This isn’t a lot of characterization, but it’s something to remember him by. You can add subtlety once you’ve got the base down. And the story makes sense in the Popeye Animated Universe without being quite a repeat of anything particular.

The most curious aspect to this is that Bluto doesn’t commit any villainry this episode. He opens a water park, yes, but his only idea to drive people to the park is to try advertising. And all right, advertising is evil, but it’s a socially accepted kind. Tank and his sub-bullies go out doing all the mischief, planting crabs in the water and army ants on land. And then pulling out a tanker to pump what I thought was oil all over the beach. Which shocked me since that felt like something Tank couldn’t ever be redeemed from. Maybe the script editors thought so too; we’re told later that this mud. You know, like those mud tankers you see driving up to homes ahead of winter.

In any case, Bluto doesn’t do anything villainous this episode. Perhaps in consequence, he never has a scene with Popeye. I know, right? You never see that. The most we get is he starts beating up on the computer that controls his water park, after Tank has told the lie that it’s broken and causing all this mayhem. This does also mean Junior and Popeye never learn that Bluto really and truly isn’t responsible for any of this, though.

And we get our first appearance of Eugene the Jeep, so far as I know, this series. He pops in to be harassed by crabs, and then to rescue Junior and VelmaDee Dee from the crab/army-ant alliance. I would think this a baffling appearance to people watching this for the first time. On the other hand, 1987 was an era where, like, you’d still see Popeye cartoons in the afternoon on WNEW-TV. So maybe Eugene didn’t need to be explained the way he would if this series were airing for the first time now.

Why are you asking where they got three giant anteater costume heads from? Sweethaven is a shore town, these places are lousy with giant anteater costume heads.

Oh, now, something I did like here was the army ants. They collect together to become construction equipment and walls and stuff like that. It’s a fanciful behavior, very much in the spirit of the Fleischer cartoons. Or even color cartoons, not all of them Paramount’s, where a swarm of insects would collect into a fist or a pair of scissors or whatever gets the scene going. The crabs don’t get as good an appearance, but Popeye, Junior, and Velma catching them by using underwear as bait is fun. Their using anteater hoods to shoo off the ants is also fun, again in this nice freewheeling spirit.

The climax, Popeye and Junior teaming up to save the town from the flood, inspired ambivalence in me. I like that they had this team-up. It makes the show feel more shared between generations. And it shows Popeye teaching Junior how to be a hero. Knocking down the palm trees lining the road to build a dike is the sort of spontaneous clever thing Popeye would do all the time, especially the farther back the cartoons go. However, Popeye explaining his thinking to Junior, however logically necessary this may be, kept the scheme from feeling spontaneous. It drained surprise from what they were doing. And something that might reflect me accepting too much of this Sweethaven as an established place. When Popeye knocked down those trees I thought oh, it’s going to be years before that road’s as nice again.

That might just be me affected by local events. We got hit this summer with a couple severe windstorms, one of which destroyed so many trees in a three-block radius of our house. (Fortunately none of ours, although it did knock one large bough off the front yard tree, and blow it across the yard into the driveway). And then another storm turned into a tornado that destroyed a wide swath along the Interstate, including where the good corn maze was. But it might also be my getting old. I rewatched Superman: The Movie recently and was bothered by how much of the Not Grand Canyon that Superman ripped apart to build that coffer dam when Not The Hoover Dam broke. Maybe it’s just me.

It says something about Bluto that he failed to consider advertising his water park. But since water parks have always been money factories for the owners, and there’d have to have been some talk about the place as it was getting built, maybe he figured word-of-mouth was all he needed? Still seems odd.

---

Tomorrow: Goons! Join me for that, or the rest of my Popeye and Son adventures, at this link. Thanks.

Statistics Saturday: Cleaning Schedule For The Thanksgiving Holiday

Day	Cleaning Activity
Saturday	Agreeing on need to clean (5 minutes), thinking about cleaning (20 minutes)
Sunday	Dusting the Precious Collectibles Complete Dust-Collector Set (65 minutes) (partially complete)
Monday	Thinking about cleaning (5 minutes)
Tuesday	Thinking about cleaning (15 minutes), guilt about cleaning (45 minutes), vacuuming the upstairs rug (5 minutes)
Wednesday	Guilt about cleaning (18 minutes), arguing the curtains can go another year without going through the laundry (10 minutes), thinking about cleaning more (15 minutes), yelling about whether the washing machine is free (2 minutes)
Thursday	Living room, dining room, kitchen, pantry, side door, bathroom (50 minutes, incalzando), yelling (90 minutes, come contiguous with kitchen and bathroom cleaning)

Reference: The Number Sense: How The Mind Creates Mathematics, Stanislas Debaene.

It’s Three, Which Is One More Than I Expected

Sorry to run late but you would totally believe how many Snorks fan wikis I’ve been having to insert fake articles into so I don’t have to pay off on that bet about there having been a Snork named ‘Gil’ or maybe ‘Gill’. I’m sorry I ever stepped into this wet mess. Bah.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 13

Destiny, after stranding author Keith A— in the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, popped back in to give the human a helping hand. Also a very loud talking computer. In this installment of Keith A—‘s Altered Destiny we get to know something of her.

The whole of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction based on Altered Destiny should be at this link. And afterwards I should discuss references that made sense to me, when I wrote this, in 1997, and to no one else at any time ever.

---

> The small monitor on the front of the computer lit up.
>"HELLO, KEITH," it said, in a slightly high-pitched,
>pleasant female voice. "MY NAME IS SASHA, AND I HAVE BEEN
>GIVEN TO YOU AS A…

JOEL: Means of getting the story going again, *please*?

> SORT OF GUIDE TO YOUR NEW HOME.

TOM: Yeah, wouldn’t want him to blindly stumble into some
life-threatening situation, now, would we?

> I HAVE
>DETAILED ARCHIVES ON THE WORLD OF MOBIUS, FROM ANCIENT LORE
>TO DETAILED MAPS OF ‘INTEREST AREAS.’

CROW: You suppose Mobius has strip malls?

> I ALSO HAVE A FULL
>SELECTION OF MUSIC FROM YOUR WORLD, JUST IN CASE YOU FEEL
>HOMESICK."

JOEL: "I know nothing will make you feel more at home than
this fine selection of traditional chants from the Tupi and
early Mayan cultures."

>
> "Hmm, I doubt that I’ll be too homesick, but I think
>that archive might get quite a bit of use."

TOM: Now, does he really need an archive of Sonic the Hedgehog
fanfics?

>
> "Sasha is fully self-aware, and, if you like, can jack
>you into cyberspace like any other good system here.

JOEL: Because even when you are stranded in alien universes, you still
want to keep up with "Dilbert."

> If you
>wish, I can put a ‘cyberjack’, as you call it,

CROW: "Uh, Des, actually, you’re the only one calling it that.
Can I call you Des?"

> on your arm
>so you can mentally connect with Sasha, and basically any
>other machine that supports an interface cable. It may
>cause some discomfort, though."

JOEL: For example, it may make you think you’re on "The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians" for some reason.

>
> "Hey, sounds great. Go ahead."

CROW: Our topic for tonight: Does Keith place too much simple trust in powerful yet inexplicable beings of vast power and unclear agendas?

> Hs steeled himself for
>the pain he knew would come.
>
> He expected pain. What he didn’t expect was to feel a
>hole dig itself into his arm.

TOM: I guess he was expecting the cyberjack to go through the little
door in his side.

> When the hole was deep
>enough, he felt a white-hot jet of fire streak up his arm,
>and directly into his brain, where it seemed to get hotter,
>and then disappear altogether.

CROW: This all *sounds* dirty, but we can’t actually prove it.

> When he looked down, he saw
>a small hole, which resembled a headphone jack, just past
>his elbow.

JOEL: Donating blood marrow is a good thing, though.

> Annoyed, he glared at Destiny. "Some
>discomfort?! Felt like someone’d lit my brain on fire!!
>Jeez!!! Okay, what now?"

TOM: "We try again, until it catches."

>
> "Now, you wake up.

CROW: What? This entire thing was a dream sequence? The whole
story? Let me out! Let me out!

JOEL: I think just this happened in the dream.

CROW: Ripoff!!

> I think you’ll find the people of
>Knothole to be a bit less judgmental."

JOEL: Now some of them will show signs of remorse after having you
executed.

>
> "What’d you do?" Keith was rather suspicious. He was
>sure that Destiny had messed with their heads.

CROW: Suddenly this story’s become Country/Western music.

> Much as the
>thought appealed to him, he still didn’t like the idea.

TOM: I give him credit for trying to convey emotional ambiguity,
but the sentence still doesn’t scan.

>
> "I did nothing. You, however, gave them one serious
>wakeup call.

JOEL: But they’ve got a snooze bar called "Nemesis," so it’s
hard to call.

> You’ll see.

CROW: Maybe.

> Now, it’s time for you to go."

JOEL: I’m so glad we had this quiet time together. Wanna make out?

[ To continue … ]

---

Dilbert was a funnier thing to reference back in 1997, when it was one of nearly two syndicated comic strips you could read online, and before we’d learned Scott Adams was a total nutter. The Super Powers Team: Galactic Guardians was the elegant name they gave the Superfriends their last year on Saturday morning cartoons, when they tried to add some emotional depth and, important for the riff, Cyborg to the cast. And there we go.

I still think it’s a good question to ask about Keith’s trust.

Or Maybe _Real Life Adventures_ Has Really Ended for Real, Life

After that late-September strip where Real Life Adventures seemed to announce its ending, only to continue without interruption, it appears Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich are ending the comic after all. The Daily Cartoonist reports, through the Cleveland Plain Dealer, that the strip’s finale will come the 17th of November. That is a Friday, which seems an eccentric choice. Wikipedia tells me the Plain Dealer still runs a Saturday print edition, though, so it’s not that.

Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich’s Real Life Adventures for the 23rd of September, 2023. A commenter claims the characters are representations of Gary Wise and Lance Aldrich, which is what I imagined even without checking.

The strip has been in weekday repeats since the 16th of October, including this week, although Sunday strips were new. And I guess we’ll see whether there’s a new panel for this Friday, or Saturday, or whatnot. No word on why the cartoonists are retiring, although the strip has been going for 32 years, and writer Lance Aldrich has turned 78, and there are only four newspapers left in the United States that even run comics, so it’s easy to make up a plausible story.

As to whether GoComics.com will run repeats? I guess we’ll find out this coming Sunday. Sorry. I never actually know much, but I’m happy to pass what I do know on.

What’s Going On In Rex Morgan, M.D.? Rene Belluso didn’t really reform, did he? August – November 2023

Along the way to this week’s plot recap Rene Belluso, the old reliable miscreant of Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D., had a big emotional outburst, inspired by his own “Mirakle Method” of self-improvement and actualization and such. Is this the event that’s caused him to re-evaluate his life and become a respectable and less interesting member of story comics society?

Too soon to say. I appreciate that Terry Beatty likes to write a gentle strip where mostly good things happen. But it seems very consistent for Belluso to be putting on a pose to take advantage of people, in this case, because he’s stumbled across a great money-making opportunity. However, the first step of this involves turning himself in for various past scams. So he’s taking the pain first and leaving the reward for later. Belluso is the human world’s equivalent to Slick Smitty, yes, but it’s not like he gets his scams exactly backward.

Still, everyone in the strip who knows him is skeptical. I am too. We’ll see, though. If around February 2024 it turns out I was wholly right, or wholly wrong, you’ll likely see a mention of it here. And if any news about the comic strip breaks I’ll try to post it there, too. Meanwhile, let’s recap the last three months of Glenwood life.

Rex Morgan, M.D..

20 August – 12 November 2023.

Fergus “Mud” Murphy, reformed by Rene Belluso’s Mirakle Method self-help seminars, took his apology tour to Glenwood. The results were mixed. Truck Tyler told him to get out of his face, although Truck’s girlfriend Wanda suggested, you know, give the guy a chance.

Murphy accepted with grace one of life’s hard lessons, that you can’t force someone to accept your apology, but you gotta apologize anyway. His evening in the motel’s interrupted by Rene Belluso, “Professor Augustus Mirakle” himself. Fergus listed Professor Mirakle, Belluso’s most recent scam, as co-writer for “Swingset on the Moon”, the cornerstone of Murphy’s new career as children’s singer. And now he wants his money.

Murphy says that his agent, Buzzy Cameron — more on that later — has been holding Belluso’s share. He can write Belluso a check anytime he wants. And how is Belluso supposed to cash a check when he’s a wanted man? Well, the Mirakle Method might just help Belluso straighten out his life and get in good with the authorities.

Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D. for the 8th of September, 2023. Cameron mentions how he’s not sure how long he was in the trunk, which is an amusing way of acknowledging the loose relationship between reader and in-strip times. It then feeds into talking a lot about how bad Cameron’s shirt smells, which doesn’t get as many laughs from me as I think Beatty was hoping for.

Belluso sneers at this, because he knows: the Mirakle Method is just a heap of gibberish he put together to target self-help marks. Murphy’s insistence that the thing works doesn’t move him. What does move him is the prospect of money. What he hopes will move Murphy is doing something really stupid, like kidnapping agent Buzzy Cameron.

Cameron and Murphy agree to Belluso’s demand they withdraw, in cash, enough from Murphy’s accounts to cover his royalties. While waiting for the bank to open, the two nag Belluso into trying out his own Mirakle Method and see if he can’t get his head on straight. It takes a whole minute for Belluso to break down, sobbing, having discovered his Daddy Issues and mourning that he hit on a real, legitimate therapy but wasted it treating it like a scam.

So Cameron and Murphy offer a deal with, they somehow believe, the reformed Rene Belluso. If he’ll give permission to use the Mirakle Method they’ll sell it, and he can collect royalties, ready for him once he’s out of prison for whatever the heck it was he was wanted for exactly. Oh, trying to shove Hank Harwood Jr off a CRUISE SHIP. Right.

Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D. for the 21st of September, 2023. He seems sincere.

Well, they make the deal, bonding over how they’ve all done prison time. Murphy for general rowdiness. Cameron for tax evasion, and I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the Approaching Plot Point klaxon. There, got it cleared. Belluso goes to jail in an event worthy of extended coverage on the local news. The Harwoods and the Morgans both react with wonder and doubt that this could ever be legit.

Still, the long night ended, Murphy and Cameron head out again and run into Rex Morgan, M.D., who’s startled by the apology he gets. And Truck Tyler, enjoying his 18th hour on that same cup of coffee, says Wanda’s talked him into doing something with Murphy’s cartoon thingy. Ah, but the cartoon thingy is on hold. Murphy and Cameron — who’d like to represent Tyler, if he’s willing, which he’s not — have an infomercial to make.

Some indefinite time later, after Mud Murphy’s run for mayor of Cavelton, the Morgans come across Murphy’s infomercial. It runs complete with Belluso confessing that he created the system as a scam but discovered it actually helped people. Despite it being an extremely long commercial, and having had enough of Rene Belluso, they watch the entirety. June, like everyone else, can’t believe this. Rex concedes that it’s probably not illegal, since they don’t seem to be selling anything besides feel-good speeches, and maybe it can do someone some good. He wouldn’t pay for a session, though it seems a lot of other people would.

And that’s where we stand in mid-November 2023.

Next Week!

My greatest narrative recap challenge: Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Gil Thorp gets its innings, so I get to figure out how to explain three months’ worth of that. Watch me as I accidentally say I have to take an extra three days to write this all out!

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_, Episode 2: Poopdeck Pappy and the Family Tree

And now the other half of the first, second, episode of my Popeye and Son reviews. All my Popeye and Son reviews should be at this link.

Season One-and-Only, Episode Two, Cartoon Two Poopdeck Pappy and the Family Tree, gives writing credit to Eric Lewald. Lewald also wrote for Challenge of the GoBots, the 1986 New Adventures of Galaxy Quest, Bionic Six, and Ultraman: The Adventure Begins, so he’s well-versed in writing for unloved properties. Let’s see how he did with this one.

This episode has the introduction, so far as I know, of Poopdeck Pappy to the Popeye and Son setting. I always liked him in the theatrical cartoons, as a wonderful agent of chaos. In the King Features cartoons he was less good as the zany loose cannon, but was still good. Here?

Quick now, the story: the class homework assignment is to learn something about your family tree. Tank and his bully friends sneer at the garbage that must come from Junior’s tree. Ah, but Poopdeck Pappy comes ashore and he’d love to talk about Popeye relatives. His examples are all humiliating and bad, and Junior wants to curl up and die. Pappy, too, is hurt and goes off to live in a cave with Rufus and Joel. The school field trip to an actual field finds an actual bear, who’s actually a bit of a jerk. Pappy comes to the rescue, saving them from the bear and from arbitrarily faulty school bus brakes. And now the kids can’t get enough of Pappy talking about ridiculous Popeye relatives.

Pappy’s story of accidentally humiliating a loved one, going off to hide, and re-emerging to save the day is one I could see animated anytime after Pappy’s first appearance. One may complain that Pappy’s original incarnation, as the skein onto which all Popeye’s disreputable fun aspects could be dumped after Popeye became respectable, is at odds with this. But since “Goonland” he’s been a lovable character, despite some work by Randy Milholland to bring him back to unbearable jerkface status. And it’s easy to imagine even a misanthrope like Pappy feeling like his grandson is a special case. Even Ray Walton’s Commodore Pappy liked Swee’Pea.

This is going to sound like an insult but: yes, there’s the mild body horror we’ve been missing from Popeye. Remember that time in the Fleischer cartoons that Popeye whistled through his eye? That’s what this is trying to evoke and credit to them for trying.

So no complaints, no notes about the story structure. The execution’s decent, too. Pappy emerging from the sea, riding a turtle covered in those travel stickers that cartoons tell us were ever a thing, again evokes the good stuff from the 30s cartoons. He even calls the turtle Seabiscuit, just like this was 1938 or something. And there’s Pappy approaching, using his pipe as a periscope. Classic move. I also like Mr Snoot or whatever is name is leading the field trip, and everyone following, same pose and mm-hmm intonations. Some of the dialogue is getting there too, such as Olive Oyl’s tautological declaration “there’s nothing like nature. It’s so natural” or Mr Snoot(?)’s slow recognition of the bear as a bear. (I appreciate that he never actually cries out “a bear”; it shows at least some trust that the audience is paying attention).

I’m disappointed that the embarrassing Popeye family members don’t seem all that funny to me. I have no trouble with Pappy sharing figures that he doesn’t realize are humiliating. If he had emotional awareness he wouldn’t be Pappy. His examples are freak show spectacle Rubber Puss Popeye, renowned non-bather Polecat Popeye, and then Chicken-Plucker Popeye, fastest chicken-plucker in the world. In the conclusion we get Piggy-Back Popeye, the champion hog-rider. Maybe I’m out of touch with the sense of humor of a ten-year-old but these don’t make me giggle so much. At least Polecat Popeye fits as a humiliating figure. (I do like the chicken-in-boxers from the Chicken-Plucker Popeye view. I find Rubber Puss Popeye a bit horrifying but I credit them for trying.) But notice I don’t have better suggestions, and maybe Eric Lewald had a better feel for the pulse of eight(?)-year-olds in 1987.

Couple of stray observations. Tank has almost nothing to do with this story, although we get told the Bluto family is one of real blue-bloods. Does make me wonder what Bluto, or Bluto’s Dad, did that this scion spends his days in a remote backwater failing to punch a sailor who gets shipwrecked an awful lot. We also learn that Popeye is the family name, as in Poopdeck Pappy Popeye. I don’t know if this implies the sailor man with the spinach can is Popeye Popeye. If he is that makes a fun and even richer foreshadowing of Mario Mario.

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_, Episode 2: The Sea Monster

After my false start in reviewing the Popeye and Son cartoon last week, let’s start with a real start, at the cartoon that doesn’t start — you know, I’m not going to salvage that sentence. Never mind. What I’m getting at is let’s sit down and watch episode two, cartoon one, of Popeye and Son, “The Sea Monster”. Oh, I like sea monsters, so this should be good.

The writing is credited to Cliff Roberts, who also wrote for The All-New Popeye Hour (1978 – 1981), so you can trust he’s got the older characters down. He also wrote for Pink Panther and Sons, so we can trust his ability at writing brand extensions. He also wrote for The Skatebirds, so, y’know. He was a survivor.

My first thought was it’s a shame the new series didn’t have a theme song. There’s some ambient thing going on, but it’s too generic to provide any information about the series or the setting or anything. It just vaguely promises we’re having fun. I was hoping for something that introduced the characters because — to their credit — the creators of Popeye and Son avoided the easy way. That would be to make Popeye Junior, Bluto Junior, Olive Junio, Wimpy Junior, and Sea Hag Junior and send them on their way. Instead we have a Popeye Junior and Tank as Bluto Junior, but that’s it. If there’s any relationship between the other characters and the older generation it’s not explained this episode.

So credit to them for not taking the lazy way in series setup. The drawback is I don’t have any idea who these new characters are. My first reaction was they looked like a near-final draft of the Pup Named Scooby-Doo character designs, and the decision to not have everyone say each other’s names all the time didn’t help my note-taking.

The story in a paragraph: Young Daphne Polly rescues a sea monster from a 500-pound sea-monster-eating clam. The sea monster, whose size obeys no known laws of perspective, follows her with excessive, unwanted devotion. She shoos it off, allowing Bluto and Tank to capture and sell it to some Captain Planet villain. Guilt-ridden Daphne Polly swims out to save the sea monster, but Popeye Junior takes his father’s advice, and spinach, to break the sea monster’s bonds. Fortunately before Polly has to figure how to chase the sea monster of her life, he finds a girl sea monster and they go off together.

On first viewing I thought oh, this whole Popeye and Son project was a mistake. This shows how great the shock of the new can be, even for someone like me who claims to be open-minded. Most of what turned me off was mere unfamiliarity. The second time I watched the cartoon, not distracted by not knowing anyone’s names or getting used to the ‘wrong’ voice for Wimpy (who’s had more voices than any of the main cast) I enjoyed it more.

Left: actual footage of me when someone shows any interest in what I’m talking about.

The story is adequate. It’s no great breakthrough in narrative to have a kid pick up a wild animal as strange companion, or to have it go away at the end. My question: why does the sea monster have to go away? It’s one thing when you have to restore the status quo, but this is episode two of a new series. I suppose there is a strong tradition of the strange novel pet having to go away. Maybe it’s also meant to avoid teaching kids there’s no reason not to keep a squirrel as a pet, if you can get one. Was there ever thought put into having Polly turn out to have a pet sea monster? You’d think that would inspire some stories, or at least allow stories to take new directions. And the animation is fine, in that way Saturday Morning cartons had in that slow rise between Mighty Mann and Yukk and Batman: The Animated Series.

To add a nice thing: Polly gets the giant clam off the sea monster by wit rather than physical strength. This feels in line with, especially, the 1930s cartoons that every Popeye project must bow towards. Good choice, especially for the era. Funny cleverness will cover for a lot of action you can’t show on-screen.

Most interesting to me was the climax, Junior eating his father’s spinach to go off and save the day, while Popeye remains in the background. The hardest thing to get right must be balancing who saves the day. Here we get Popeye telling his son to save the day, and stepping back, letting Junior take the lead. This feels like good parenting to me, especially as Popeye watches, I trust ready to step in if the problem gets beyond Junior’s capabilities. It seems at odds with Popeye’s past, long track record of father and mother to Swee’Pea, but Swee’Pea was much younger than Junior is.

I don’t care much for Junior’s design. He looks to me much more like Young Fred Scooby-Doo than anything else, only wearing a Wesley Crusher shirt. But I do like that part of what the spinach power-up gives him is bulked-out arms and legs to better resemble his father. That’s some thoughtful design.

Less thoughtful: the opening credits use the same sea monster design for something endangering Popeye and Son. They foil it by blowing it up like a balloon, which is pleasantly silly enough. But it did lead me to expect developments this story that didn’t happen. If the scene depicts something from another story we may have an irresolvable continuity error that forces the whole series to be nullified. We’ll see.

Yes, I too wonder what Swee’Pea’s part in this series is going to be. We’ll see that, too, maybe.

Statistics Saturday: Snorks I Still Remember By Name, Forty Years Later

• Papa Snork?
• Brainy Snork?
• Smurfette Snork?
• Uhm …
• Oh there has to be one named Gil, right? Or Gill?
• Yeah, there was definitely one named Gil[l].
• I’m so sure one of them had to be named Gil[l] I’d bet a gillion dollars on it.
• Fleegle Bingo
• Drooper Ann
• Seaweed Snork?

Reference: Et Tu Brute?: A Short History of Political Murder, Greg Woolf.

Finally I checked with an AI search engine which told me her name was Sally Mustang

So you know where I’ve been this week, my head decided it was important that I remember the full name of Rose Marie’s character Sally from The Dick Van Dyke Show. But also remembering instantly and well the name of her nothing boyfriend, Herman Glimscher (probably played by some actor or other). I can’t explain any of this, but it’s how it turned out.

(Also, oh, it turns out Herman Glimscher was played by Bill Idelson, who played Rush on Vic and Sade. Also Skeezix on one of the radio shows based on Gasoline Alley. Wow!)

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 12

A mysterious figure in an empty void asked “Altered Destiny” author Keith A— if he wanted to join the world of Sonic the Hedgehog. Who’d pass that up? But not all the Freedom Fighters enjoy the human’s hanging around them. And now he’s feeling very alone …

The rest of my Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of old friend Keith A—‘s fan fiction should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
>* * * * *
>
> "Oh, no. Not again."

CROW: Oh, now a cute little ‘Alien’ is going to pop out of his
chest and sing the ‘Michigan Rag.’

> With one look, Keith knew where
>he was. He was back on the same featureless, barren plain

TOM: Oh, Wisconsin.

>that he was at when the Voice (It had already achieved
>proper noun status in Keith’s mind)

CROW: Of course, in Keith’s mind, packaged meat has proper noun
status.

> sent him to Mobius.
>
> "You handled that incident well. I am proud of you.

TOM: Now just remember to give them your lunch money the *rest*
of the week too.

>You managed to show them that things aren’t always what they
>seem.

JOEL: Since even though they’re fully-grown, responsible adults in
their own society, they can’t possibly figure this out without
some kid wandering in and yelling at them.

> But, I fear, your greatest task lies ahead, and you
>may not live to see the end result." The Voice seemed
>almost sad at this prospect.

TOM: Alas, odds are you’ll make it out alive. Oh well.

>
> "What are you talking about? And just who the hell are
>you?! I’m tired of talking to nothing, and I know you have

CROW: A something.

>a face to go with that voice. So why don’t you just show
>yourself and get it over with?"

JOEL: Pay no attention to the spirit behind the curtain.

>
> "Hell has nothing to do with it. There is no such
>place on Mobius.

TOM: All we have is a 16-Cineplex.

> Still, I think I’ll answer your last
>question first." And out of nowhere in particular stepped a
>beautiful silver-haired woman, dressed in robes of blue and
>white.

JOEL: Aw, look, Vanna White’s pregnant.

CROW: Again?

> There was an amused smile on her face. "Next, I go
>by many guises,

TOM: "I’ve been arrested for guising in seven states and two
Canadian provinces."

> but here I am known as Destiny.

ALL: [ Snicker ]

TOM: Destiny turns on a radio, pops the clutch, plugs in a video
game, and tells the world to EAT HER DUST!

> On your
>planet, I went by many names, but the one I am most partial
>to is Gaia.

CROW: Aw, criminey, it’s a crossover with "Captain Planet."

> And as for your first question, take a look."
>With a wave of her hand, more of the images sprang up. Some

JOEL: Were technical drawings of the starship Enterprise. Who’d have
guessed, Destiny was a nerd too?

>did indeed show his death, but not like on Earth. Here, he
>either died in battle, fighting to protect his friends. But

TOM: Shouldn’t there be an "or" in there somewhere?

>some of the images were fuzzy and indistinct. "What’s going
>on there?"
>
> Destiny frowned. "I’m not sure.

CROW: I have this lousy cable company.

> Fate is rather
>fickle.

JOEL: I hate her.

> Even I don’t know all of the things that can happen
>to you while you’re here. Anyway," she waved again,

TOM: I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. You’re the writer.

> and the
>images disappeared, "what I brought you here for was to
>congratulate you on your achievements,

CROW: Because, Keith A—, THIS IS YOUR FANFIC!

> which I did,

JOEL: Oh, great celebration. Thanks.

> and to
>give you a little something to aid you here on Mobius.
>Here." A silver aura lit up Keith’s left forearm for a
>second.

TOM: Your very own special effect!

> When it faded, there was what looked like a
>microcomputer strapped to his arm.

CROW: Tragically, it was a Commodore Plus/4.

>

> "What is this?" Keith’s eyes lit up. (Author’s note:

JOEL: E flat.

>Keith loves technological achievements, and will drop
>whatever he’s doing to get a "new toy.") He ran his hands
>across the top of the computer with an almost reverent awe.

CROW: I’m glad the author explained that to us, rather than making
let us infer it from clear writing.

>
> Destiny smiled. "Not what.

JOEL: Huh?

TOM: Which?

> Who.

CROW: When?

JOEL: Why?

> Her

CROW: She?

TOM: Who?

> name is Sasha,
>and I’d best leave the rest to her. Sasha, introduce
>yourself."

JOEL: Good Sasha! Here’s some pudding.

>
> The small monitor on the front of the computer lit up.
>"HELLO, KEITH,"

ALL: Ow! Ow!

TOM: Not so loud!

> it said,

CROW: Not it! She!

> in a slightly high-pitched,
>pleasant female voice. "MY NAME IS SASHA, AND I HAVE BEEN
>GIVEN TO YOU …

[ To continue … ]

---

When I wrote this MiSTing in 1997 I had not been to Wisconsin. I still have not. Vanna White was, in fact, pregnant in 1997, but I just picked it up as a bit of nonsense celebrity gossip. I think a riff like that was on the actual Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The Commodore Plus/4 was an attempted follow-on to the Commodore 64 that had features like better graphics, a better programming language, and built-in word processor, spreadsheet, and database software that sucked. They tried, but, you know, Commodore Computers.

I Do Not Spend So Much Time Thinking About _Beetle Bailey_ Squirrels to Be Mean

Of course now I’ve said that and people are going to think I don’t intend that. They’re going to think I mean the opposite of it. And not the gentle opposite, where they suppose I spend so little time thinking about Beetle Bailey squirrels as a show of meanness. No, I mean I don’t mean to be mean by thinking about … this sentence isn’t going in a meaningful direction, or it’s in too meaningful a direction. Rather than tell you what I mean — there I go again — maybe I should just say it.

So, Guy Who Draws Beetle Bailey. I’m sorry, I really did think you had it figured out, finding a way to draw a squirrel that matches the style of the strip while still looking like squirrels. And then yesterday we got this:

Neal, Brian, and Greg Walker’s Beetle Bailey for the 7th of November, 2023. In fairness, that squirrel has to have walked up to and past Otto so he has to have made the decision to ignore it, possibly because the squirrel has a three-day pass. Beetle needs to up the thinking on his shirk game here. He’s just being lazy here.

I’m sorry, this just hasn’t got it. I like the confident look in the squirrel’s face, yes, but the whole thing just isn’t working as squirrel for me. If you sized it up a little and changed the color scheme I’d give it good marks for a skunk, but skunks are not squirrels, as you know from that time Aunt Slappy tried to fill in for Pepe Le Pew. Also I just now noticed the copyright on Beetle Bailey is held by something called “Comicana, Inc”. This means something.

What’s Going On In The Phantom (Sundays)? Why is that guy on a typewriter in the strip? August – November 2023

Show some respect, little one. That guy with the typewriter is Lee Falk, the creator of The Phantom and its sister strip Mandrake the Magician. Legend in the serial adventure comic business. Falk died in 1999, but his name remains in the credit box on the comic strips, I assume out of sentiment rather than because he had Bob Kane as his agent.

For some time now Tony DePaul has used Lee Falk as narrator, providing recaps and transitions and background material to readers who joined us late. I’m charmed by it. This story’s seen more of Lee Falk The Character than usual, including his speaking to the reader as though he weren’t sure what the story was. Tony DePaul has never been shy about discussing what he’s attempting in a story, as anyone reading his blog knows. So it can’t be DePaul wanting to find some way to talk about his writing process. The story as it’s told is about The Phantom himself creating a story, his audience being the Jungle Patrol. I imagine as we see more of it we’ll see some thematic echoes between Falk deciding how the story works and The Phantom working on his plans.

And that story we’ll see — well, I should pause a moment. The weekday Phantom, as well as Judge Parker, are going to be looking different for a while. Mike Manley, the regular artist, is ill and it looks like an extended absence, says The Daily Cartoonist. Bret Blevins (with lettering by Scott Cohn) have been filling in for a couple weeks on The Phantom, as they did for a while last year too. Jeff Weigel, who does the Sunday strips, is supposed to take over the weekday strips for the duration starting from later this month. Blevins has also taken on drawing Judge Parker, and I don’t know how long that’s to last.

Anyway if more news about the comic strip breaks, or you want to know about the weekday continuity, or you live in the year 2024 or later and want a more up-to-date plot recap for Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom, try this link. What do you have to lose? Now on with the Sunday show.

The Sunday Phantom.

13 August – 5 November 2023.

Last time we were just started a new story, with The Phantom turning up at Jungle Patrol headquarters as “John X”, the Jungle Patrolman he became during a bout of amnesia a decade or so back. When he regained his memory he had John X taken off for special duty by the Unknown Commander of the Jungle Patrol, whom he happens to be. But during the raid on Gravelines he discovered Jungle Patrol is getting all weird about John X. It’s like the Unknown Commander can’t even scoop people up into his Mysterious Department of Magic without people asking questions. Such as, hey, wouldn’t that interlude and the phone calls from the Gravelines raid make sense if John X were the Unknown Commander?

This story, by the way, is set some time after the conclusion of the story going on in the weekday strips. This gets neatly teased when Jungle Patrol folks as John X for more information about Gravelines, and he says that story’s not yet over. I’m amused.

Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom for the 3rd of September, 2023. This is not the best one-strip summary of things. But it does very well at showing the most interesting part here, the icon of Lee Falk pondering the writing process. It does make me wonder if the story was created by Tony DePaul thinking it would be interesting if John X told tales about the Unknown Commander, and then went about thinking how that would make sense. Also, I learn from Wikipedia that Lee Falk did look kinda like Mandrake the Magician. I suppose it’s really the other way around — Falk designed his character around himself — but it’s surprising to see and also to learn that he was a playwright and directed on stage Marlon Brando, Charlton Heston, Paul Newman, Chico Marx, and Ethel Waters. Right? That was my expression.

Somehow, The Phantom sees an angle to prove John X isn’t the Unknown Commander, and maybe burnish the Unknown Commander’s legend some, since after a couple centuries not being seen even experienced Jungle Patrollers start asking questions like “how does this work exactly?” So we learn, from flashback conversations with Diana, that he’s been going into Mawitaan and meeting people with Ajabu Engineering (“You Imagine It, We Build It”). And he’s readying some spectacle for the Jungle Patrol’s benefit.

Meanwhile, what he tells Colonel Worubu and the Jungle Patrol staff is that he’s not sure but someone he thinks was the Unknown Commander died in a mission in Ivory Lana. And, sure enough, nobody’s been picking up the daily reports in the Unknown Commander’s vault, nor has the light signalling fresh orders turned on. As John X, he tells Colonel Worubu of how much the Unknown Commander depends on him and his expert judgement. And he scouts Jungle Patrol headquarters, looking for a good way he-as-John-X can vanish and set up whatever he-The-Phantom has in mind.

How will this all pan out? I don’t know. I imagine we’ll have some insight in twelve or thirteen weeks, whenever I get back to this strip. In the meanwhile …

Next Week!

Why are we watching infomercials in Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D.? You’ll have to check back here to learn or catch up on the comics yourself. We’ll see what happens.

I Can Hope This Has Got Their Impulse to Experiment With ‘Bad’ Out of Their System

I do not know who it was at the bulk candy place who decided to infuse their pick-a-mix salt water taffy with chili. I don’t wish to pile on the blame. I’m sure you are aware of how badly this turned out for all concerned and yes, we are quite concerned. I just mean to log that this is the most betrayed I have felt by a food since I learned that coffee didn’t taste enough like coffee cake, and wasn’t nearly as pleasant as coffee ice cream, which is itself only in my top three quartiles of ice cream flavors.

Reviewing _Popeye and Son_: Episode 1

Ever since wrapping up my reviews of the 1960s Popeye cartoons I’ve been casting about for a fresh project. Not urgently, no, but I gave up doing urgent for a fun sideline like this blog long ago. Even sticking just to Popeye projects there’s many things to look at. And I decided on the most footnote of those projects. What draws me to the least-loved Popeye series of all time?

Partly, the contrarian impulse that has never helped me in anything in life. Partly a belief that I’m better off using my time and space on the unusual. I can’t add anything but bulk to the words said, mostly in praise, about the Fleischer cartoons of the 30s. Here, I can start the conversation. And with a series of cartoons that, so far as it has a reputation, has a reputation of “ew”? I can be pleasantly surprised by whatever it does well, or at least interestingly.

Having answered why I’m looking at Popeye and Son, the next question is why is there a Popeye and Son at all? Among the trends in the 80s was an attempt at brand extension by making kiddie versions of existing shows. This was done brilliantly with Muppet Babies. A Pup Named Scooby-Doo brought fresh life to a tired series. Tiny Toon Adventures gets to represent the start of the modern era of cartoons that are, you know, trying. (The reality is more complicated. But there was a time we got The Little Rascals/Richie Rich Show, and there’s a time we got Steven Universe, and something changed between them.)

And then there’s cartoons that are just kind of there. The Flintstone Kids, for example, which I remember as being fine but eh. (Also, I think, contradicting what the 60s series said about how Fred and Wilma met, in case anyone gets worked up about that.) Tom and Jerry Kids set their theme song running in my head for 33 years but that’s all it accomplished. So far as I’ve heard anything about Popeye and Son, it’s been that it didn’t have enough fighting and that Popeye isn’t interesting when he’s a father. I can’t take that literally, since Popeye’s been both a father and a mother ever since Swee’Pea was introduced to the strip. But a lot of his antics aren’t about parenting, must be said.

I didn’t watch Popeye and Son in the 80s. When it came out I was more interested in sleeping through Saturday mornings than watching cartoons. And they haven’t been aired much, or maybe at all, since then. When I lived in Singapore in the early 2000s I did see some video CDs offering the series for sale. I concede it’s just remotely possible these might have been bootlegs. But I didn’t feel like dropping the three Singapore dollars (two US dollars) to find out. Also, every video CD sold in Singapore in the early 2000s was a bootleg. The result is that this is the only set of Popeye cartoons I’ve never seen before. (There are individual Popeye cartoons, or things including Popeye, which I haven’t, though.)

So join me, won’t you, as I look to the last Popeye series made for movies or TV — and his last series before the Popeye’s Island Adventure cartoons that got me into the Popeye Blogging World — and watch these cartoons for the first time with me?

And now we go to King Features’s Popeye And Son feed on YouTube and start out Episode 1. …

…

…

… …

… … …

OK, so they’ve made Episode 1 unavailable, for some reason. I don’t know why. I must suppose that someone looked over it and found that, as an entertainment product of the 1980s, it had a weird subplot about drug smuggling and featured a racial stereotype that white people now notice is inappropriate. I’m sorry for getting all your hopes up like that.

Statistics Saturday: Smurfs I Still Remember By Name, Forty Years Later

• Papa Smurf
• Brainy Smurf
• Smurfette Smurf
• Explodey Gift Smurf
• Mirror Guy Smurf
• Smurf Who Actually Came From A Mirror Accident and Did Everything Backwards Threatening The Dance Of The 100 Smurfs That They Needed Him For Because I Guess There Were Only 99 Smurfs Without Him
• Poopdeck Pappy Smurf
• DIY Guy Smurf
• Muscle Smurf
• Sleeping Smurf

Reference: The Science Of Fear: Why We Fear The Things We Shouldn’t — And Put Ourselves In Greater Danger, Daniel Gardner.

Statistics September: People Have Questions About Judge Parker

For some reason Google decided that everyone in the world wanted to read a February 2019 What’s Going On In Judge Parker plot recap. I’m not saying they shouldn’t read it, if you want to know the goings-on of four and a half years ago. But this one essay got 1,433 views, way beyond any other particular piece. It buried this one October 2020 admission that I only that day got a particular Far Side comic.

I imagine underlying this is that Judge Parker reached a climax in its current story, with an international crimelord deciding to run for mayor of Cavelton, and Google decided people wouldn’t understand my most recent plot recap without way too much backstory. Remember, Google searches are actually more effective and correct than they’ve ever been, and you’re just imagining it that it sucks now, say Google spokescreatures, in a steady monotone and verbatim.

But those are old posts. What were the most popular things published this past month, among my readers? According to WordPress’s statistics, it’s this quintet, which had normal-looking numbers of clicks:

• The Comic Strip Industry Is Why I’m Late Today
• And Now There’s a New _Flash Gordon_ Comic Strip Coming?
• The Humiliating Thing Is I Don’t Even Expect Any Mail
• Statistics Saturday: OK But It’s This Weekend That It’s Time Change And Is It The One Where You Can Do Stuff An Hour Later
• Flash Gordon looks weird because it has a new artist. Spider-Man looks gone because it’s gone

Oh, also WordPress went and changed how the statistics page looks, so that it’s needlessly harder to get something like this where I look at a couple years’ worth monthly figures. But in trade for this you get … to have to fiddle around more with the stupid thing to get the same data you used to, and you can’t use the left/right arrow keys to get pictures for older months anymore.

So the Anomalous Judge Parker Google Incident juiced my statistics, giving me my fourth-highest readership month on record by page views, and my second-highest by number of unique visitors. There were 7,020 page views around here in October, way above the twelve-month running mean of 5,228.2 and twelve-month running median of 5,368. There were 4,594 unique visitors recorded, also way above the running mean of 2,846.3 and the running median of 2,836. Also hey, a rare month where the running median did not end .5, that’s comfortable.

All those readers, it won’t surprise you readers to know, didn’t do more than get a page view. There were 80 likes given around here in October, a drop from the month before and considerably under the mean of 114.6 and median of 114.5. Hey, there’s that .5 back. And there were 63 comments, a slight increase from September, but still below the mean of 80.5 (again with the .5’s) and median of 81.

I regret a little that folks have to wait so long for my next round of Judge Parker explanations. My plan for the month ahead is these strips, in this order:

• Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom (Sundays) (7 November)
• Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D. (14 November)
• Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Gil Thorp (21 November)
• Francesco Marciuliano and Mike Manley’s Judge Parker (26 November)
• Emi Burdge and Randy Milholland’s Olive and Popeye

So first, yes, that’s a new name on Olive and Popeye; Emi Burdge has taken over the “Olive” half from Shadia Amin. Second, I do figure to fit the revived Flash Gordon in, but I haven’t decided when. It seems that it’s the same continuity, Sundays and weekdays, so that’s one less essay at least. (But the Sunday-only strips are the easy ones.)

Meanwhile, to the countries report:

Do you like how the map is almost big enough to be useful? It turns out if you zoom in like eight times on the page it becomes kind of useful-ish. Similarly, if you zoom in Comics Kingdom’s page like six times, you still can’t read the Sunday comics, because they never tested their page on an actual computer.

84 countries or things as good as countries sent me views in October. As ever, most of them were the United States, United Kingdom, India, or Canada. There were way more from Brazil than usual, though. Here’s the total roster:

Country	Readers
United States	5,594
Brazil	234
United Kingdom	163
Canada	140
India	131
Australia	118
Italy	117
Philippines	63
Spain	35
Germany	29
Peru	25
France	22
Mexico	21
Finland	20
Singapore	19
Sweden	18
Norway	16
South Africa	14
Thailand	14
Poland	13
Taiwan	12
Greece	10
Austria	9
Romania	9
Belgium	8
Czechia	8
Netherlands	8
Uruguay	8
Denmark	7
Ireland	7
Argentina	6
Indonesia	6
Portugal	6
Chile	5
Colombia	5
Dominican Republic	5
Russia	5
Turkey	5
Bulgaria	4
Hong Kong SAR China	4
New Zealand	4
Serbia	4
Slovenia	4
South Korea	4
Switzerland	4
Trinidad & Tobago	4
Croatia	3
El Salvador	3
Israel	3
Japan	3
Bosnia & Herzegovina	2
Botswana	2
Egypt	2
Jamaica	2
Kenya	2
United Arab Emirates	2
Venezuela	2
Aruba	1
Belize	1
Cayman Islands	1
Estonia	1 (**)
Gibraltar	1
Guatemala	1
Iran	1
Jersey	1
Jordan	1
Kuwait	1
Lithuania	1 (*)
Malaysia	1
Mali	1
Malta	1 (*)
Mongolia	1
Montenegro	1
Nepal	1
Nigeria	1
North Macedonia	1
Pakistan	1
Panama	1
Réunion	1
Sierra Leone	1
St. Lucia	1
Tanzania	1
Uganda	1
Ukraine	1

Lithuania and Malta have been single-view countries for two months now, and Estonia three. No other countries are on a longer streak.

WordPress figures I started November with a lifetime total of 391,010 page views from 220,289 unique visitors. That sounds about right to me. If you’d like to be a regular reader, apparently, just stand around some and let Google read you a Gil Thorp plot recap from 2018. I blame this on Twitter.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 11

Transported from Earth to the world of Sonic the Hedgehog, author Keith A— finds himself in depths of loneliness he’d never imagined. After a scuffle with some of the Freedom Fighter animals of Knothole Village, Keith wonders how things can get any worse. Then he happens to pick up this guitar he has and starts strumming. Bookshire Raccoon and Princess Sally Hedgehog pop in to ask what his deal is.

The whole of my vintage 1997 Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfiction based on Altered Destiny should be at this link. The handful of things needing explanation will get that at the end of this post.

---

>
> After they had gotten situated, he looked at the water.
>"This is a beautiful place. There was never anything like
>it back home."

CROW: I’m pretty sure they had water back on Earth, Keith.

> Bookshire looked up at him. "Just where
>exactly is your home?

TOM: "I live in a Primestar Network display promotion. It’s been
affecting my dreams."

> Is it somewhere in the Great
>Unknown?" Keith turned to look at the aging raccoon, then
>gazed up at the stars.

JOEL: I’ve seen this anime before, it’s a comedy, "Project Mee-ko."

> "Yes, but not the Great Unknown you
>may be thinking of." He swept his arm, indicating the night
>sky. "My home may be spinning around one of those stars out
>there.

CROW: [ As Bookshire ] It’s okay to say ‘I don’t know’ around here.

> It makes me feel kinda funny, knowing that I’ll
>never see my family again."

JOEL: "Finally the stress and repression has drained out of my life
enough that I can eat normal food."

> He shook his head. "But what
>am I saying? I’m here now, and that’s all that matters."

>
> Sally took it upon herself to ask the million-dollar
>question. "Just how did you get here, anyway?"

TOM: You know, some counter-revolutionary organizations would
have asked that of a stranger who appeared in their midst
before accepting him into their society and giving him free
roam of the village.

> Keith bowed
>his head, and took a deep breath. "That, Princess, is a
>long story."

ALL: Tell us about it!

TOM: Ba-dum bum!

> He proceeded to tell them of his world, his
>life in it, and his fateful dream.
>
> "Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe it!"

CROW: "Especially that stuff about the tub full of Gold Bond
Medicated Powder, the blue cellophane tape, and Mary Tyler Moore
in a bunny costume!"

>
> "Believe it, Princess. It’s the only story I have, and
>it’s the only truth."

TOM: You will never need any other truth once you have been exposed
to my massive intellect.

CROW: That’s one!

TOM: Don’t count them.

>
> Sonic was still confused. "But why’d ya wanna come
>here? I mean, life here’s a major drag, with Robuttnik and
>all."

JOEL: And our faltering health-care system.

TOM: Not to mention declining auto safety standards.

CROW: Plus "The Straight Dope," the TV show, got cancelled.

>
> "That may be, Sonic, but at least here I can do
>something with my life, other than just lie down and wait to
>die. Here, at least, I can

JOEL: Be put on trial and executed.

> find purpose in my life. Here,
>I can make a difference.

ALL: [ Begin humming "Let There Be Peace On Earth" ]

> There, I was just another face in
>the crowd. I’d rather be fighting against a tyrant than
>fighting against my own inner demons."

TOM: Well, except for Xendrana, she’s the one with the long,
flowing hair and the…uh…well, this is a public place…
uhm…

>
> "Well, you’ll always have a home with us. Please, come
>back to Knothole."

JOEL: A planned community for the best years of your life.

>
> Keith shook his head. "Not yet. There are still some
>things I need to work out.

TOM: Change of address cards still. What ZIP code is this
spacetime continuum, anyway? Or are you on Canada Post?

> If you don’t mind, I’d like to
>stay out here for a while. See you in the morning." With
>that, he turned back to the pond.

JOEL: You have become tiresome and I wish to see you no more.
Begone, now, or I shall summon the guard.

> Sally laid her hand on
>his

CROW: Oh, here comes the good part…

> shoulder,

CROW: Oh, pootertoots.

JOEL: What?

> then got up and left. The others followed
>suit. Soon, there was just the one human gazing out over
>the crystal waters.

TOM: He and Keith would fight it out at dawn.

[ To continue … ]

---

Primestar Network was a satellite TV service in the 90s, gobbled up by DirecTV, whom you know from somehow always having a contract dispute with the TV station that serves MeTV in your area. “Project Mee-ko” references Project A-ko, a comedy schoolgirl/alien-invasion movie from the mid-80s. I remember it as fun and I’m sure it hasn’t curdled a bit in the three decades since I saw it last. Meeko is of course the raccoon from Disney’s Pocahontas Intellectual Property. (Making the joke a little better is the lead characters in Project A-ko were named A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko, so Mee-ko is quite on point.)

I can’t imagine anything pleasant about a tub full of Gold Bond but hey, it’s not my dream. I’ve mentioned The Straight Dope TV series before. I think it got cancelled between when I started writing the MiSTing and its publication. “Xendrana” doesn’t reference anything in particular. I note that in G.I.Joe the evil Zartan had a sister Zarana, which might have influenced the name.

Finding Myself

Mmm. My. That certainly does seem to be an interesting set of presentations and exhibitions about Geographic Information Services, which is the thing they call “maps” now so that computer people will listen. Sooo many pictures of Michigan in strange colors. I am intrigued. But am I “go out and risk talking to a person” intrigued?

No, I am not, but I appreciate being thought of.

What’s Going On In Mary Worth? Did Saul Wynter leave Charterstone? August – October 2023

Saul Wynter has moved out of his apartment, the better to share his storylines with Eve Lourd (Halloween screen name, Eve Gourd). It seems like he’s got fewer obvious stories to tell, though. He’s got a new pet, a new outlook on life, a new bride. I’d like to think he has more stories left, since he’s got that charm, but if he didn’t it’s not like his life story would feel unfinished.

I hope here to get you up to the end of October 2023 in Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth. If you’re reading after about January 2024, or any news about the strip breaks, I should have a more current and relevant essay at this link. Thanks for reading.

Mary Worth.

6 August – 28 October 2023.

Saul Wynter’s dog Greta was saved from the dogfighting ring. The people to thank here are Eve Lourd, and her dog Max, who did persistent searches. Also the dogfighting guy who left Greta’s cage unlatched so he could go be a drunken lout or something. Also Greta for running away. Last on the list: Mary Worth, who told Saul Wynter, correctly but without evidence, that his dog was stolen to be a bait dog.

So you understand why the strip then spent about sixteen months of Dr Jeff praising Mary Worth for the dog rescue. Also to Mary Worth saying oh, she’s just an ordinary person with particular skills in turning salmon into beige polygons. But yes, if only everyone could be like her.

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Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth for the 11th of September, 2023. “All I ever needed was the love of dogs like Greta and Max, much better dogs than the Bella I had when I joined the strip. … What, too soon?”

Saul Wynter’s story got a new chapter starting the 21st of August. On a date at the beach he proposes to Eve. She accepts. What the heck, there hasn’t been a wedding in this strip since … earlier this year. All right, but it was a long time since the one before that.

Mary Worth happens to see the two shopping for wedding rings. It’s no surprise she spends most of her days hovering around the wedding ring store. She’s invited to their courthouse wedding, a small affair attended by the minister, the happy couple, Mary Worth, and someone appealing their ticket for having an unkempt lawn. “It’s all native flora, it’s better for the environment,” they say. They have a Mark Trail Sunday page for support and everything.

But Saul and Eve come back home, to toast each other. Saul speaks of how he never imagined marrying again.

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Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth for the 7th of October, 2023. A shared fondness for root beer isn’t much to prove a relationship, no. Ask her if she’s ever listened to The Beatles or if she likes the Scrambler ride at an amusement park.

The 17th of September saw the end of that story and the start of the current one. A large, mustached man named Keith Hillend is moving in to Saul Wynter’s old place, now that he and Eve are going to be sharing storylines. He’s engagingly befuddled by Mary Worth’s insistence on helping and inviting him to events and delivering surprise packages of beige shapes. All she can get out of him is that he’s a retired Marine and cop and that he hasn’t got any family.

Mary Worth’s not even out the door when who knocks on the door but family? Sonia Fabar presents herself, claiming to be his daughter. Mary Worth excuses herself so she can go make Tex Avery eyes at the family crisis to come.

Is there a crisis, though? They both like root beer, after all, and Kitty Fabar is someone he knew twenty years ago. She explains a bit of herself: she’s studying to be a social worker and she wants to learn how to stick it to ‘The Man’. Particularly the military and the cops. Hillend is aghast. Without the United States military some of those Latin American nations might go a century or more without a right-wing coup. And without a cop, who are you going to have shake their head sadly and say if they find your bike they’ll return it but it’ll be five business days before we have the form your insurance company wants for your claim? Sonia storms out, wanting nothing to do with a violent, oppressive killer.

Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth for the 17th of October, 2023. I take a lot of cheap shots at the strip so let me enjoy a moment of sincerity: this is a good, strong moment. Hillend looks and acts like someone who’s just had several identity-shaking hits in short order.

Hillend, for his part, is devastated to learn he has a daughter, and the daughter hates him. He finds Kitty Fabar and meets her for lunch. She reveals she kept him out of Sonia’s life because he would want to marry her. She didn’t want to marry at all, or marry a Marine who was already married to his job. Hillend tries to argue he had the right to know she was carrying his child. Kitty leaves, saying this was a mistake and she’s sorry Sonia contacted him.

And that’s the gentle but legitimate relationship drama as it stands now, the end of October. Will Sonia come to see there are good cops who aren’t actually on any police force anymore? Will Hillend come to see why marginalized people have reasons to distrust the part of the State with guns and a code of silence? We’ll see over the next several months.

Dubiously Sourced Mary Worth Sunday Panel Quotes!

What great things did people not say, but that Mary Worth’s Sunday page said they said? Here’s the recent lineup:

• “Gratitude is the sign of noble souls.” — Aesop, 6 August 2023.
• “The purpose of human life is to serve, and to show compassion and the will to help others.” — Albert Schweitzer, 13 August 2023.
• “Anyone can be a small light in a dark room.” — Miep Gies, 20 August 2023.
• “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” — David Viscott, 27 August 2023.
• “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” — Winston Churchill, 3 September 2023.
• “If you find someone you love in your life, then hang on to that love.” — Princess Diana, 10 September 2023.
• “No matter how hard the past is, you can always begin again.” — Buddha, 17 September 2023.
• “I want you to be concerned about your next-door neighbor. Do you know your next-door neighbor?” — Mother Teresa, 24 September 2023.
• “Be curious, not judgemental.” — Walt Whitman, 1 October 2023.
• “Most things in life come as a surprise.” — Lykke Li, 8 October 2023.
• “You can disagree without being disagreeable.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 15 October 2023.
• “Theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die.” — Alfred Lord Tennyson, 22 October 2023.
• “The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin, 29 October 2023.

Next Week!

John X. Who is he (The Phantom) and what is he up to? Even Lee Falk doesn’t know, so what chance do I have explaining Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom, Sunday continuity? We’ll see next week.