Sad News From the Backyard

Realizing that we haven’t seen that woodchuck that used to hang out in our backyard this season (spring). I hate to think that we’ve lost reputation on Woodchuck Yelp but I’m afraid to go in and check, not after what the squirrels had to say about our birdfeeders on Squirrel Yelp. It’s just, you know, since the windstorm blew down a bunch of trees in the neighborhood last summer we’ve had plenty of wood to go chucking. And while there are other places with more ground than our yard, if they wanted to groundhog, we’ve certainly got that and no particular other plans for the ground.

I never had a conversation with the woodchuck personally, you understand. We just mostly knew they were around and eating the plant seedlings, so we had to put the plants inside wire cages. I guess this year’s seedlings would be happy not to spend their formative weeks in Plant Jail but you know how it is. You get a luxury like a woodchuck living in your yard and suddenly you can’t picture doing without it anymore.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 4

Last time in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views, we saw the Knothole Village Gang, plus a bunch of characters from other people’s fan fictions, puttered around someone named Kabuki and everyone agreed they had individual tragic backstories. Not appearing yet: Boyd and Tramer’s new characters of Jade, Maxl, and Tracker.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things that need explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> Chapter 2 The Letter

CROW: The inside story of "R".

>
> "Kabuki’s room is ze peegsty!" came a voice from somewhere
> under all the junk.

BOTS: [ Snickering ]

JOEL: Yes, folks, that’s really French.

>
> "Tell me about it, Ant," Sonic muttered.
>

CROW: OK, Uncle.

> "Why do I have to do this?" came a third voice.

TOM: Because we don’t like you.

>
> "To find out what’s wrong with Kabuki, Rack," Sonic replied to
> the unmistakable voice.

JOEL: She’s actually a character from another show, is the problem.

>
> "Not ‘Rack’," the voice replied testily,

CROW: Rack and *pinion*.

> "Amaroq.

JOEL: And Ahm a hard place.

> Am-uh-rack
> Ka-pyu-jin. Amaroq Kapugen,

TOM: I repeat that after carefully enunciating it for all those who missed it the first two times.

> meaning ‘the great black wolf’."

CROW: That’s such an inspiring name. I’m going to change my name to "Quro T. Rowbot," meaning, "the cute yellow robot."

>
> "Whatever you say, Rack," Sonic replied.
>
> The black wolf growled angrily.

TOM: So, his parents looked at him, noticed he was a black wolf, and decided to name him "Black Wolf." Got it.

> "Why should we be helping that
> cat, anyway?"

JOEL: The most incredible leader of the pack?

CROW: He’s the chief, he’s the pip, he’s the championship.

>
> "Any enemy of yours has to be a friend of mine, mon," Knuckles

TOM: Oh, this just in. Knuckles is also in this story.

> growled from somewhere in the pile. Amaroq had a really weird sense
> of humor

CROW: His elaborate "festival of grasshoppers" left audiences confused for weeks.

> and often insulted his team-members, which made him
> unpopular with most of the Freedom Fighters.

JOEL: A Freedom Fighter with annoying personality traits? How did he slip through the cracks?

> "You are a
> total…hey!"

CROW: A hey? Quit horsing around!

>
> "A total hey?" Tails wondered.

TOM: I’ve just been handed a bulletin. Tails is in this fanfic too.

>
> "Whuzzap?" Sonic asked. "Find something?"
>
> "A letter of some sort," the echidna replied. "Yecch…it’s
> all greasy."

CROW: That’s what happens when you recycle hair gel into wood pulp.

>
> "What does it say?" Sonic demanded.
>
> "The handwriting’s awful, Sonic," Knuckles observed, "but I

> think I can make out what it says:

JOEL: Or I can make something up that’s just as good.

>
> Deer Cabookee,
>
> I want you for my bryd. i’m comInG 4 u.

TOM: Oh, great, the story’s being invaded by IRCers.

> Uh-oh! It’z 4 in the
> Afternon! I don’t kno what that meanz,

CROW: Except that I’ll probably have to eat at a ‘Breakfast served anytime’ sort of place.

> but I guess I’yd better stop
> writhing this letter!

TOM: How does he read the letter aloud so you can hear the misspelled words?

>
> -The WaNDring SyKKo

JOEL: The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots is after Kabuki?

>
> "Either that, or something about rabbits and mosquitoes in the
> cheese."

CROW: This passage included because mosquitoes and cheese are hilarious words.

>
> "Who’s this…wandering…what’s-his-name?" Tails asked.
>
> "You born on a farm, son?" Amaroq asked.

TOM: Or just raised in a barn?

>
> "I’m not your son," Tails replied,

JOEL: That’s the plot twist for the *next* story.

> "and please answer my
> question."

CROW: African or European?

>
> "Uhhhh…I don’t know either," Amaroq replied.

TOM: Aaaaaand he gets green slimed.

> "I just felt
> like saying that."

JOEL: Hey, Amaroq, if you’re not going to advance the plot any, could you at least have an annoying accent so we know we can ignore you?

>
> "Hey," said Sonic, who was now standing behind Knuckles and
> reading over his shoulder,

CROW: Sonic gets to be the leader ’cause he teleports from place to place.

> "what are those things taped to the
> letter?"
>
> "Hmmmm," the echidna said, "they appear to be tickets to see
> an opera."

TOM: The opera.

CROW: Just because they’re trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a very active theater community.

>
> "Ze opera?"

JOEL: Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool. Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. — I could go on like this all night, but it’s tough on my suspenders.

> Antoine asked, clapping his hands. "Magnifique!"
>
> "Since when have there been operas on Mobius?" Tails inquired.
>
> "Before you were born, mon," Knuckles replied.

TOM: So that’s, like, what, two years?

> "Before that
> ol’ Robuttnik took over. The one decent thing he ever did was ban
> them."

CROW: So the great form of civil disobedience on Mobius is the opera?

>
> "Not too great, eh?" asked Tails, rhetorically.
>
> "You got it," said Amaroq.

TOM: Oh, we gotta go, guys.

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Good for us.

[ To continue … ]

---

I’m not proud to show off my old ignorance of Amaroq (or Amarok), the great wolf of Inuit mythology. I’d probably have avoided Crow’s and Tom’s riffs coming dangerously near making fun of the word if I had. The riffs also show how I never heard of Jean Craighead George’s children’s novel Julie of the Wolves, which is probably where the last name “Kapugen” comes from.

IRC was — and still is — a real-time synchronous text-only communications medium. It’s something like if Discord wasn’t spying on your conversations with friends and feeding them to advertisers and LLM word sausage grinders. It had a reputation in the 90s for being fast and loose with orthography, much like the rest of the Internet.

The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots was named Cy-Kill, which is why that riff is logically formed and therefore funny. He was a motorcycle. Do you get it?

“Just because they’re trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a very active theater community” was a favorite riff of many people and I recall it being nominated for a “best riff of the year” when Web Site Number Nine did its MiSTing awards. What can I say, people like the slightly-too-much riffs.

Don’t Tell Me You Never Heard of the Movie, I Know You’re Fibbing

Sorry to be late but I was just thinking about the movie Yesterday, as one will, and pondering in that universe what’s the last Beatles song the guy there would bring into his Beatles-less world. I’m feeling like “Doctor Robert” hits that sweet spot of being something a casual fan might know well enough to reconstruct from scratch. Anyway, no, I’ve never had any reason to think I’m not basically neurotypical, why do you ask?

What’s Going On In The Phantom (Sundays)? What is this John X business? January – April 2024

The past couple months in Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom (Sundays) has seen a lot of Jungle Patrol head Colonel Worubu looking over the Unknown Commander’s new office. This is justified by the import of the thing. Tony DePaul is trying to revise a big part of Phantom Pholklore. Up to now, The Phantom has given his orders to the Jungle Patrol by orders left in a safe, signalled by a light above the door. Now, The Phantom, and DePaul, want the Unknown Commander to have new ways to be “seen” by his forces. If the big change doesn’t get screen time to make an impression and show why this is more interesting it doesn’t get weight; compare the hilarious failure of the multicolored Daleks that one Doctor Who. The bigger panels and looser story of a Sunday continuity give time to luxuriate in this.

That’s my interpretation, anyway; you can have others and DePaul is certainly willing to discuss his own ideas of why he writes what he does. Anyway, if you’re looking for recaps of the weekday plot, or for a more up-to-date Sundays recap and it’s after about July 2024, try this link. If those don’t work try some other links. Something will turn up. Back to Jungle Patrol Headquarters, now:

The Phantom (Sundays).

28 January – 21 April 2024.

The Unknown Commander’s office renovations were freshly done, when I last checked in. And then we saw The Ghost Who Rehearses going over a script with Diana.

Back at Jungle Patrol Headquarters, Colonel Worubu and Captain Weeks can’t resist the temptation to see the Unknown Commander’s office. Especially now that there’s personal possessions in it. We spend a lot of time in this, examining things brought from the treasure rooms — sextants and battle flags and Maltese Falconses and such. It deeply impresses the Colonel and the Captain.

Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom for the 17th of March, 2024. DePaul really gives frustrated-lit-majors a treat with this Maltese Falcon which, of course, is a thing invented for the novel without basis in reality. This whole story has been about creating fictions; the opening and framing even had “Lee Falk” — a fictional version of the man, standing in for DePaul and (I read it) all creators of Phantom stories — addressing the audience and speaking of how even he doesn’t know what The Phantom is thinking. This reached its peak on the 11th of February, where “Lee Falk” peeks over The Phantom’s shoulder as he writes his Chronicles, and The Phantom notices. An actual critic would launch an essay about text and metatext on that.

Finally, The Phantom breaks silence, speaking over the hidden speakers to Worubu and Weeks. His declaration: when John X gets back, bring him to the Unknown Commander’s office. X’s most recent report is inadequate. Also, turn the lights out when you leave.

The Phantom then returns to Jungle Patrol headquarters, in his guise as John X. He had, as John X, spread the story he thought the Unknown Commander was dead and was supposedly checking the post office box in Mawitaan for orders. Worubu brings John X in and they hear … nothing.

Next Week!

After some of the indignities of age we swerve into dog medicine in Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D., next week. Uh … there is pet endangerment in the current storyline but, c’mon, it’s Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan. Everything’s going to be okay, and pretty fast.

Why It’s Good to Make Notes of Every Idea You Have, Whether They Seem Any Good or Not

It’s because sometimes you will have a day when you’re up against deadline, and nothing’s working, and you can dip into the archives and pull up:

• https://lugnut215.wordpress.com/2017/07/20/naming-of-lansing-streets/
• security in the lint trap?

Yes, the idea scraps file has been a good use of resources.

Going to Suppose They Rate ‘Changing Your Profile Picture’ as a Thrill Level 4 (High) Activity

Sorry to toss another bit of found comedy at you but I keep finding it and that’s easier than excavating it by a hard journey down into the humor mines, taking on the risk of banana peel lung or pie-in-the-face back. The salient thing here is that Michigan’s Adventure amusement park, which knows full well that I have never gotten their app what with how I can’t think of a single thing I might want to do that the app would help with, sent an e-mail explaining that everyone with the app should update it. And here is exactly how they describe the process:

This seems like a lot of work just to have a source that can tell you the wait for the Tilt-a-Whirl is under five minutes.

So you click ‘Reset Password’, then you click ‘Get New Password’, then you click ‘Reset Password’ again. This makes it sound like you’re not getting anywhere. You’re also given no instructions on how to get ready for FUN, which I’m guessing involves clicking the ‘Have Fun’ button at least four different times.

Statistics Saturday: Great Songs With “Goat” In The Title

• A Hard Day’s Goat Night
• The Number One Song In Goat Heaven
• Tired Of Goat Waiting For You
• The Washington Post Goat March
• Anna Sun Goat
• Goat Popcorn
• Goat Powerhouse
• You Goatta Have Heart
• Thank You For Being A Goat Friend
• Goat Theme to The Goat Muppet Show

Reference: Krakatoa: The Day The World Exploded, Simon Winchester.

For the purposes of this list instrumentals are being considered songs and if you don’t like that take it up with a goat, this is all the idea there was and deadline was right there.

I No Longer Think the Major Was a Lady Suffragette

Sorry, I just today learned that the logo the New York Football Jets used from 1978 to 1997, and that they’ve adopted in a modified version for this season, was designed by Jim Pons, bassist for the Leaves, the Turtles, the Mothers of Invention, and the Plastic Ono Band. This is the most “huh” news since I learned Joe Witkin of Sha Na Na went on to be an emergency room doctor.

And imagine that. You’re t-boned at an intersection, the ambulance comes, rushes you to the hospital, someone tells you you’re going to be all right, you’re in the best hands, and you look up and it’s the piano guy from that cover of “Rock and Roll is here to stay” you really liked. And he gets into some small talk, to keep you calm, and asks what you were up to and you were on your way to a big meeting for your Sports Graphic Design magazine and he says, hey, I know the guy you were going to talk to! Small, weird world.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 3

Welcome back to my fanfic treatment of Jaded Views, a Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd. Last time, we got a cast list. This time, who knows?

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We’ve still got the story to read.

>
> Chapter 1 Access Denied

JOEL: Or maybe not.

TOM: Sure looks like we can give up now.

>
> Can’t probe target.

CROW: It’s too buttery.

> The disheartening words flashed across
> Nicole’s screen.
>
> "Shoot," Kate said,

JOEL: Bang.

> running a hand through her long, brown
> hair.

CROW: Genie?

> "Even with both of us hooked up to Nicole, Kabuki is still
> immune to our scanning."

TOM: That’s what we get for not knowing how to do stuff.

>
> "I know, Sis," Hedgehog X replied. "Of course, keep in mind
> that we’re new to this telepathy thing."
>
> "Yeah," the fifteen-year-old human girl replied,

TOM: Fift… if that’s Marrissa I’m gonna vomit.

> "but you’d
> think that at least maybe two of the most powerful entities on the
> planet would be able to do something!"

JOEL: Two of the most powerful entities on the planet. Can you tell we’re in a fanfic?

>
> "Don’t get down on yuhself, Sugah," Bunnie said to Kate.

CROW: Just kiss me.

> "Remember, ah friend here," and with this, she pointed at the
> unconscious Siamese cat with probes on her head,

TOM: I think Bunnie knocked her out with her accent.

> "has had a pretty
> mysterious past."

JOEL: I mention this because you’ve surely forgotten this, and not just because the readers only now got here.

>
> "Please," HX said, "don’t talk about mysterious pasts around
> me…

CROW: I have no history, and I’m mighty jealous.

> I might start puking."
>
> Hedgehog X wasn’t exaggerating much. His past had been a major
> pain.

JOEL: You can just feel the tragedy.

> After the Life Jades had been stolen from the village of
> Bluebrook by Robotnik, a new Gem Child was needed to take the place
> of Willind, now called Packbell, who had been the Child of the Jades
> of Life.

TOM: Sentences like that are what happens when you just run together titles of fantasy novels.

>
> Without the Jades, creating a new life-form wasn’t easy for
> the other Power Gems,

CROW: *And* the Power Holograms..

> so the new life-form, who was meant to be a
> clone of Mobius’s champion,

TOM: What, they needed more obnoxious twits whose personalities are defined by eating chili dogs?

> Sonic the Hedgehog, came out wrong.

JOEL: It turns out instead of super-speed, the Sonic clone had super-spelling abilities.

> He
> was perpetually eleven years old (the age Sonic had been when he was
> cloned),

CROW: So he’s perpetually on the verge of being beaten up in middle school.

> as well as being purple and not having Sonic’s speed.

TOM: But other than creating another powerless pre-teen load it was a *roaring* success.

>
> For these reasons,

JOEL: And other reasons that have been changed to protect the innocent.

> Xavier — the name given to the new Child
> of the Super Emeralds

CROW: Because they were out of good names that week.

> — was banished and told to stay away from the
> Knothole Freedom Fighters.

TOM: With nowhere else to turn, he went to the home of his childhood friend Oscar Madison.

> However, after he pulled them out of a
> few scrapes, and was forced to reveal his true identity,

JOEL: Xavier is Clark Kent!

> the
> Emeralds cured his speed problem

CROW: Careful, that’s what made Robin Williams stop being funny.

> and let him join with the Knothole
> crowd.

TOM: They let him sit at the "in" table in the cafeteria and then at the table next to them at the pizza place.

>
> To make matters worse, Xavier — better known as Hedgehog X —

JOEL: Unbeknownst to Speed Racer, Hedgehog X is secretly his older brother Rex.

> had the mind of two beings.

CROW: Or the being of two minds.

TOM: The man with two brains!

> He had once been sent to an odd
> alternate version of Mobius, a planet called Terra (known to some as
> Earth),

CROW: Known to still others as "snoogie wuggles."

> where his mind was mixed with that of a sentient — albeit
> deceased — robot named Zero.

JOEL: Our hero!

> With Zero’s mind came the ability to
> become a cyborg — to be robotic and yet keep his free will

TOM: Which really comes in handy when he needs to watch bad movies.

> — a
> design which Uncle Chuck would no doubt follow, once the war was
> over.

JOEL: [ Ominously ] No doubt. If he knows what’s good for him. Mwuh-huh-huh-huh-hah-hah-hah!

>
> "Let’s get back to the task at hand, shall we?"

CROW: I’m tired of waiting out the chunks of exposition.

> asked Mega Man
> X (more commonly known as just "X"), a sentient robot from Earth who
> was best friends with Hedgehog X.

TOM: In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important characters named X.

> "Bookshire, Rotor, how long do you
> think it’ll take to work this out?"
>
> "Could be hours," the aging raccoon replied.

CROW: Wait, no, I’m done.

> "We could use
> some help from any of you who know electronics."

JOEL: On second thought, maybe it’d be more efficient to just poke sticks at this stuff until it works again.

>
> "That’d be me," said X and HX at the same time.
>
> "Me too," Bunnie spoke up. "Ah’m kahnda partial to ’em, if
> y’all know what Ah mean."

TOM: Ah lahk nuthin bettah than a chicken-fried 20 microFarad capacituh.

>
> Sally agreed to help, too, along with a few others.

CROW: [ Whiny voice ] Does this thing work on AC or PM?

TOM: [ Also whiny ] I don’t wanna solder stuff, it smells sick.

JOEL: [ As above ] Are we the X’s or the O’s?

>
> "Uh, ‘scuse me," a voice said, "but don’t you think we should
> search Kabook’s room for any clues?"

CROW: Considering none of us knows who Kabook is or why we should care, I’d say no.

>
> Everyone in the room looked at Sonic the Hedgehog,

TOM: Ah, yes, the nominal star of our show, ladies and gentlemen.

> the one who
> had spoken, stared for a few seconds, and simultaneously hit
> themselves in the heads in a "why didn’t I think of that?" sort of
> way.

JOEL: Knothole village observes a moment of D’oh.

ALL: [ Joel slapping his head ] D’oh!

[ To continue … ]

---

The “Marrissa” reference is to Stephen Ratliff’s “Marissa Picard” fan fictions and if you think I spelled her name wrong, hey, who hasn’t?

“Xavier” is not, in fact, a bad name. I apologize for my error. I also don’t feel good about that Robin Williams joke but it reflects common wisdom in the 90s.

Zero “our hero” is, yes, a Schoolhouse Rock reference. Joel asking “Are we the X’s or the O’s” is one of the good running gags in It’s Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown — the team can’t figure out who they represent in Peppermint Patty’s football play diagrams, and she doesn’t clear the matter up. I recently rewatched this special, though, and learned the line is actually “are we the X’s or the zeroes”. Again, I apologize for my mistake.

“Kabook” is, obviously, the Kabuki person they were talking about earlier, and I believe I knew that when I wrote the MiSTing. The thrill of calling out an author for depending on something superficially not in the story was too strong, though. Once more, I apologize for my error.

What’s Going On In Flash Gordon? Are you covering Flash Gordon regularly? January – April 2024

I’m hoping to make Dan Schkade’s Flash Gordon part of my regular rotation, yes, but I haven’t yet figured on a good spot for it. So for now it wanders through my schedule much as the rogue planet Mongo does. You can catch all my recaps of its plot at this link, though, and there’ll probably be a successor plot recap by July 2024 or so. For those not reading this in mid-April 2024. Now, let’s recap:

Flash Gordon.

14 January – 14 April 2024.

With the killing(?) of Ming the Merciless, the wedding of Barin and Aura, and the inauguration of both as co-rulers of a free Mongo what could go wrong? Other than Ming’s son, Ming W Merciless, crashing the wedding dinner demanding how he’ll take the throne, peacefully or by force. Flash, taking a walk to cool his temper, encounters him alone in a dark hallway and something something Ming II is stabbed to death.

Dan Schkade’s Flash Gordon for the 25th of January, 2024. Aegia makes a good case. I’m a little sorry the genre precludes the chance of seeing how the Mongo justice system — especially immediately after the Revolution — works. The suggestion of the inquisitors acting so completely independently of the rest of the government is an one I’d like to see more of.

Aegia, the Inquisitor, rules Flash Gordon a legitimate subject, and Barin and Aura agree they can’t interfere with the course of justice just because, c’mon, it’s Flash Gordon. The jailmaster “loses” the directions to give Flash decent quarters while waiting for trial, instead sending him to The Bellows, the subterranean mine/open battle royale pits that prisons always are in this genre. The viridium patch radio pin Dr Zarkov slips Flash isn’t much good for contacting anyone that deep underground. It’s even worse when it’s lifted by Bones Malock, a tough, energetic woman who gives me Tank Girl vibes. (Based on what I remember from seeing the movie in like 1997. I don’t know if I’m right.) Malock has an idea how to get out of there, and it depends on bringing Flash to the Death Pit.

The first Death Pit battle goes pretty well, considering. Flash doesn’t die at the hands of Death Pit champion Bok, a dragonman. Bok doesn’t want to kill him either, but, y’know, Bok was prematurely anti-Ming and that’s what his life is now. At the next round, Malock calls in a debt and has someone use a galvanic cutlass to smash the meter-thick window between the audience and the fight. Malock, Flash, and — with Flash’s encouragement — Bok escape.

Dan Schkade’s Flash Gordon for the 5th of March, 2024. Bok’s introduction put me in mine of one of the Flash Forward strips Schkade did back in 2021, for the anniversary side strip that might have been a test-run for the revival. The idea of a Death Pit opponent being touched by a bit of kindness is a straightforward one, but it does have me wonder if Schkade was sketching out ideas for the strip even back then.

Dr Zarkov and Dale Arden consider how to prove Flash’s innocence. Since Flash was the only one on the scene the obvious explanation is he was mind controlled by the witch-queen Azura. Arden sneaks off to find evidence, along the way encountering Brian Blessed hollering at someone how they can’t just murder whoever they like. You have to dislike them, at least a little, first. Azura’s delighted to catch Arden snooping around. Also to sneer at the “peasant thinking” Arden’s bringing to the investigation, as though whoever held the the throne of Mongo was particularly relevant to where power was. And then she shoves Dale off a hundred-storey balcony. She’s rescued by Thun on his hover-motorcycle thingy.

Azura’s talk about “peasant thinking” makes Arden realize something. Granted the assassin was there to kill a prince of Mongo — who knew that Ming W was going to be there? Nobody, that’s who. The target was someone else. And Bok notices something. There’s a Kiran Skel, invisible to you folks who don’t have heat vision like him, right there. With a whole party of space-opera heroes around it’s easy to catch one invisible assassin. Queen Fria of Frigia takes Flash and company under her protection and Aura accepts this.

Dan Schkade’s Flash Gordon for the 16th of March, 2024. I am very interested, yes, in why Vultan might want Ronal dead. And also that Aegia, introduced as what felt like a strong voice of integrity, is willing to be even more political than Barin and Aura were.

And we see Aegia and Brian Blessed talking. Aegia knows that Blessed accidentally ordering the killing of Ming W, when Prince Ronal — cousin to Barin — was the real target. Why Blessed wanted Ronal dead is, as yet, unexplained.

---

From the 18th of March we journey to the ice kingdom of Frigia. Some curious major rumblings derail the magnetic rocket train and almost send Fria plummeting to death. But, you know, Flash Gordon. And they can at least see there’s some 300-foot-tall thing moving in the haze.

But that sort of thing just happens and might even be normal. Back to Frigia for the first time in a year Fria examines how her regent has been doing. Just the occasional spot of trouble, you know, witchcraft in Gwynedd and pirate miners and this walking mountain thing. So Fria begins a tour of her kingdom to see what all is going wrong and what she can do about it. And they find some pirate miners. So they have a project now, which is nice.

Next Week!

Still planning on the Sunday Phantom. See you then.

The Eternal Dilemma

Me: I am short on time. I would open up a bit of that time if I picked a repeat for the daily blog here and just went with that.

Also me: Spends more time picking out a repeat than it would take to have an original idea and write that up.

Anyway, here’s Rhode Island measured in terms of Football Fields. Yes, I’m including Block Island and the end zones.

What’s Going On In Mary Worth? Was the last three months *all* praising Mary Worth? January – April 2024

It was not. It feels close, though. It’s traditional after a Mary Worth story to have Mary Worth recap the lesson learned and then for everyone, and then for Dr Jeff, to praise her. This time around it felt like a lot of that. I’m not sure it was, but the coda to the story of Keith Hillend felt like a prolonging of this transitional period.

I hope this plot recap gets you up to speed on story developments in Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth for mid-April 2024. Is it after about July 2024 when you read this? Then check this link where there’s probably a more up-to-date-for-you plot recap available.

Mary Worth.

21 January – 14 April 2024.

Retired cop Keith Hillend had reconnected with old girlfriend Kitty Faber. And bonded with his unknown daughter Sonia over their love of obscure indie musician Stevie Wonder. What more is there to do? Well, you don’t get to be a cop of twenty years’ tenure without being used to violating civil liberties. He snags the can of root beer she’d been drinking, and sends it to a friend in the Department of Magic DNA Analysis. The results: she’s 27% lowlands Scot, 48% Bulgarian Chavdar, 16% Ish Kabibble, 39% Pomeranian, 22% Jack Russel terrier, a direct matrilineal descendant of Cleopatra Herself — but zero percent cop. She is not Hillend’s daughter.

Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth for the 19th of February, 2024. This is not the first time a Mary Worth character has resolved a problem by deciding they’ll pretend they didn’t know otherwise. There’s a practicality to it, and it is something people really do, but it stands out in the comics where we assume people settle on The Truth. I’m curious whether Moy debated having Hillend think over whether he would do anything differently before learning Sonia was definitely not his daughter, and whether the story would have been as effective if he had decided he didn’t need to test to be happy.

I don’t care for how we got there, but it’s not like I insist protagonists only make good choices, especially when it lands them in a fix like this. Also where we discover a Mary Worth character had premarital sex a whole two times! Wow! And we get intersting questions like did Kitty Faber lie about Hillend’s fatherhood? Was she mistaken? Can he trust these relationships that have a falsehood at their core?

He decides that he does trust Faber, and likes his new family, and however they got there does not matter. So this story finally resolves, the 25th of February, with a joyful group hug. Then we get a week of Mary Worth explaining the emotions of the hew-mons to Toby, another week of her explaining them to Dr Jeff, and a week of Dr Jeff talking about how gret it is he loves Mary Worth and she goes to restaurants with him. So, you see, it’s not a preposterously long period of everyone thanking Mary Worth. It’s just well-placed to feel like that.

---

Monday, the 25th of March, starts the current story. It stars Agony Aunt columnist and man who has opinions about each of the possible etymologies of “mayonnaise” Wilbur Weston. Instigating things: Dawn’s got a call from her mother, who wanted to reconnect. After talking for hours on the phone Dawn wants to go live with her in Connecticut for a year. This seems like rather much to me — I’d maybe try a weekend, first, and discover if you can share a bathroom without killing each other — but hey, any reason to get away from Wilbur Weston, right? Also so she doesn’t accidentally run into her ex Jared, who’s going off being happy and all. So she’s off.

Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth for the 4th of April, 2024. I have no information, I’m sorry, about whether Wilbur’s ex-wife has ever been seen on-screen before, or if we know precisely why she hasn’t been part of Dawn’s early adulthood. If someone knows, I’ll just have to say something wrong and they’ll come in to correct me. Um … Dawn’s mother is named … let’s say Alexandria Madeline and she’s a professional toll-booth designer who was instrumental in taking the tolls off the Connecticut Turnpike back in the day. They broke up over whether there’s any good surfing on the New England coastline, complex story.

With the house feeling big and empty now, though, he reaches to Mary Worth for muffins and companionship. She can’t make karaoke night with him, though, building his feelings of loneliness. He accidentally runs into his ex Stella and her boyfriend Ed Harding and their estimated 18 to 24 pets. They’re happy and charming and even invite him to get together with them for no reason any person, sane or otherwise, can imagine. This unquestioning acceptance leaves him only more miserable. This Sunday, he bumps into a kid — the art makes it look like he shoves the kid over, although it’s more that the kid collides with him — accidentally saving him from behing hit by a car. That seems like it might be something developing. We’ll see.

(Based on the Comics Kingdom offer of a week’s preview … this doesn’t immediately lead to something, but there’s some quite funny bits coming up soon.)

Dubiously Sourced Mary Worth Sunday Panel Quotes!

• “Happiness depends upon ourselves.” — Aristotle, 21 January 2024.
• “Hope is a waking dream.” — Aristotle, 28 January 2024. A rare double-feature! Unless these are different Aristotles.
• “By doubting we are lead to question. By questioning we arrive at the truth.” — Peter Abelard, 4 February 2024. So somebody got the Mary Worth team a Quotes From Philosophers book for Christmas.
• “There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors of perception.” — Aldous Huxley, 11 February 2024.
• “Follow your heart and make it your decision.” — Mia Hamm, 18 February 2024.
• “While loneliness has the potential to kill, connection has even more potential to heal.” — Vivek Murthy, 25 February 2024.
• “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” — Richard Bach, 3 March 2024.
• “Things work out best for those who make the best of the way things work out.” — John Wooden, 10 March 2024.
• “Life is made up of small pleasures.” — Norman Lear, 17 March 2024.
• “Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition.” — Alexander Smith, 24 March 2024.
• “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and my father.” — Greg Norman, 31 March 2024.
• “Hard to be sure … sometimes I feel so insecure, and love so distant and obscure … remains the cure.” — Eric Carmen, 7 April 2024.
• “You can have an impact anywhere you are.” — Tony Dungy, 14 April 2024.

Next Week!

The Ghost Who Orders Office Redecorations sees his most dramatic plan come to fruition! How will this change forever the Jungle Patrol’s relationship with their Unknown Commander? Or with their fan idol John X? Catch up with Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom (Sundays) next Tuesday, if all goes according to the script.

PS: the “Ish Kabibble” line is there for my Dad, great guy, working on sending me one of those animated emojis of a smiley face cracking up even now, so let’s give him a round of applause, make him feel at home. Thank you.

In Which I Wonder if We’ve Maybe Run Out of Things for Computers to Upgrade

So in the most recent round of updating apps I got this notice for Apple Numbers, the spreadsheet I use when I want to be sure I can’t search the web for any help whatsoever:

Anyway what’s really of interest is when someone joins a collaborative spreadsheet for the last time, and why. Notify me of that and you’ve got something.

They’re really chasing hard for that rush that came with having multiple tabs in a single spreadsheet, huh?

Statistics Saturday: The Thoughts Filling My Day This Week

• Sunday: Wait, hotels can just give your reservation away if you don’t check in early enough? What are we going to do if that happens to us? I guess it’s warm enough to sleep in the car but that’s going to be miserable? Why is Ohio so far away?
• Monday: Oh. Oh oh oh. Oh that was transcendant. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be the same person.
• Tuesday: It was just — there aren’t the words for how unreal it was, it’s incomparable.
• Wednesday: Why is this computer thing not working? C’mon, you should just work.
• Thursday: Why do we even have computer things if they’re going to not work the way these things are not working, however much I sit around unsatisfied that they’re not working?
• Friday: I feel like I want to be mad about Funky Winkerbean but that strip isn’t even running anymore and Crankshaft has been okay lately.
• Saturday: Why when I made out this list did I try to type “Wednesday” as the first item after “Sunday”?

Reference: One Two Three … Infinity: Facts and Speculations of Science, George Gamow.

Wait a minute, there’s an eclipse like every year!

Why was I so worked up about driving all the way to Cedar Point amusement park for totality when if I just hung out right here for not even two and a half years there’d be an eclipse coming around to my neighborhood? It won’t be total, yes, but it’ll offer me this stunning view of an obstructed sun:

TimeAndDate.com’s projection of the maximum solar coverage, seen from Lansing, Michigan, for the solar eclipse of the 12th of August, 2026. I mean if they don’t cancel it so they can take a nice long August holiday.

And if I miss that, so what? It won’t be a year and a half until the next one after that?

TimeAndDate.com’s projection of the maximum solar coverage, seen from Lansing, Michigan, for the annular eclipse of the 26th of January, 2028. Oh, wait, that’s in January so it’ll be covered by the winter cloudy haze, which settles over the lower peninsula every year the 16th of October and lets up fourteen months later.

I could’ve just slept in, instead. Tch. Oh yeah but also I like being at amusement parks.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 2

Last week I just got through the introductory sketches to my circa 1999 MiSTing of the Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views. The original story was by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd and came to me through Tramer’s self-nomination.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file in. ]

> This work is written

TOM: I think that claim’s unduly optimistic.

> by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer,

CROW: Screenplay by Mark Evanier.

JOEL: From a story outline by Ron Goulart and Brian Daley.

TOM: Based on a sneeze by Harlan Ellison.

> and
> is their sole property. If you wish to copy this,

JOEL: Try stuffing your computer in a mimeograph machine.

> fine, but if you
> use it to make a quick buck for yourself,

CROW: You should’ve cloned deer instead.

> we will hunt you down and
> kill you (either that, or prosecute you to the maximum extent of the
> law).

TOM: You think there’s a huge body of law dedicated to protecting Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic characters?

>
> The following work is purely fictitious

CROW: In fact, none of us are even here.

> (and if you didn’t
> figure that out for yourself, you should consult a psychiatrist),
> except for the fact that a few characters herein are comparable to

JOEL: Jujubees.

> some real people we know.
>
> We’d like to thank anyone and everyone who has ever written a
> Sonic the Hedgehog story,

TOM: What a neat coincidence. We want to plead for mercy from all those same writers.

> because I draw many ideas from these.
> We’d also like to thank the programmers at Square Soft who created
> Final Fantasy 3, since We’ve made a few jokes in this story about

CROW: … how we can’t figure out how many people we are.

> that game.
>
> Should anything come up in this story that conflicts with any
> other Sonic stories

TOM: We won’t be surprised.

> — past, present, or future — just say that
> this is an alternate reality and that the events here occurred
> differently for some reason.

JOEL: All righty.

ALL: This is an alternate reality and that the events here have occurred differently for some reason.

>
> All characters herein are created by Service and Games (SEGA),

CROW: Writing out "Service and Games." The true mark of the hardcore fanboy.

> and by Archie Comics, with the following exceptions

> (alphabetically):
>

JOEL: We surveyed 100 people about the exceptions for this story, top five answers are on the board… Crow?

CROW: I’m gonna say "Superman."

JOEL: Show me… Superman!

> Amaroq Kapugen – Jesse Rhodes
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike! Next name?

CROW: Andy Richter.

JOEL: Andy Richter, is he on the board?

> ANT 100 – Anthony Testa
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes, you have one left.

CROW: Oh, man, oh, man, I’m gonna have to get this… uhh… Bookshire?

TOM: Good answer, good answer!

JOEL: Show me… Bookshire!

> Bookshire Draftwood – David Pistone
>

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding ding! You’re up by 25 points… next?

CROW: I’m gonna go with Space Ghost and Dino Boy.

JOEL: Show me… Space Ghost with Dino Boy!

> Hedgehog X – Brent Roberts

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Sorry, that’s your third strike, we have to go to the other side. Tom, this is your chance to steal it away if you can find one character that’s on the board.

TOM: This is tough, this is tough, I’m gonna go with… gotta be one of the authors.

CROW: Ooh. Good one.

JOEL: Show me… Thaddeus Boyd or Stephen Tramer!

>
> Jade – Thad Boyd
> & Stephen Tramer

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding!

TOM: [ Jumping up and down ] I won! I won!

CROW: You got lucky!

>

JOEL: OK, second round, top eight answers are on the board, Crow, you get this one.

CROW: OK, I’m gonna say Bud Collyer.

JOEL: Bud Collyer, are you up there?

> Kabuki Ninomiya – Jill Quindiagan
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] That’s your first strike of the second round.

CROW: That’s it, I’m gonna pass.

JOEL: You sure?

CROW: Yup. Over to you, Tom.

TOM: Ooh, OK. I’m going with Tom and Jerry.

JOEL: Tom and Jerry, good answer, is it up there?

> Kate Chaos – Stefanie Londo
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike against you. No pressure, now.

TOM: Woody Woodpecker.

JOEL: Oh, Woody?

> Maxl – Stephen Tramer
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes. A little pressure now. If you get a third strike, Crow could steal it from you.

TOM: I’m not worried about that, it’s just the loss of face I mind.

JOEL: So who’re you going with?

TOM: Uhm… I don’t know… Uh…

JOEL: We need an answer.

TOM: I, uh… I want…

> Mega Man X – Capcom games

TOM: [ Quickly ] Betty Boop!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] I’m sorry, you weren’t in time, and now Crow, you have the chance to steal.

CROW: Ooh, uh, I’m gonna go with Mega Man.

JOEL: That’s already up on the board.

CROW: Yeah, but I got a good feeling about it.

JOEL: Mega Man, you in there?

>
> Mega Man X3 – Glen Swift
>

JOEL: Judges? … ding ding ding ding!

CROW: Yeah!

JOEL: You win the second round, we’re now tied, this will decide the winner. Top three answers on the board, Tom, you have control.

TOM: You know, we haven’t seen everybody’s fave ineffective schmuckleball fanfic star yet. I bet Packbell’s in it.

CROW: Good answer, good answer.

JOEL: Show me… Packbell!

> Packbell – David Pistone
>

TOM: Yes!

JOEL: Forty points for you, now, can you get either of the remaining characters?

TOM: How many times have our illustrious authors put themselves in already?

CROW: Three times, on two characters.

TOM: This is fishing, but I think there’s another of the authors left in this one.

JOEL: Let’s see Boyd or Tramer…

> Tracker – Stephen Tramer
>

TOM: Woo-hoo!

JOEL: You’ve got 65 points, Tom, now, can you bring it home? Can you win this last one?

TOM: Aw, man, it all comes down to this, doesn’t it? Uh… let’s see. Got Bookshire, got the authors over and over, got Packbell…

JOEL: Five seconds, Tom.

TOM: Any of the Rugrats!

JOEL: Thomas J. Servo, you will win this game if one of the Rugrats comes out to play… show me Rugrats!

> Zero – Capcom

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Aw, I’m sorry, you do not carry the day.

TOM: I feel so inferior.

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We’ve still got the story to read.

[ To continue … ]

---

Or … to start, really. You know how it is sometimes.

Mark Evanier, if you’re of my age cohort, wrote every cartoon you watched growing up. Ron Goulart, who died recently, was a renowned historian of comic strips, comic books, and animation. Brian Daley wrote a bunch of the early Star Wars original novels. Harlan Ellison you already know about. Fun fact: I wrote that riff about him before I even finished reading the story. There is a reason that’s a fun fact but it must wait for its revelation.

I liked the long list of character appearances; it let me do opening/closing credits gags the way the Brains sometimes would. I’m not sure how it turned into a game show sketch, but I’m glad it did. Bud Collyer was the original voice of Superman in theatrical shorts and on the radio, and went on to host every game show ever made. I remember at the time of writing this getting into the Hot Potato, an early-80s Family Feud-type game he hosted and that Game Show Network liked running. I don’t remember why I’m so hard on Packbell but I guess he turned up in a bunch of fan fictions back in the day and the ones I saw didn’t make him look good? Sorry.

What’s Going On In Mark Trail? Why is Diana Daggers in this story? January – April 2024

In-universe, she’s in the story because she got Mark Trail hired to report on a story she had. She wanted a journalist who wouldn’t be fazed if things turned into punching a lot. She did something or other with Instigator Magazine to get Bill Ellis to hire Mark Trail without telling him who Mark Trail would work with. I’m not sure why she needed the deceit. Mark Trail was talked into it once he met her.

I suspect the real reason is Jules Rivera liking Diana Daggers as a character. And may reason that it’s better to have this sort of secondary role be filled by someone she enjoys writing. It does suggest Daggers has an odd career that tracks Mark Trail’s.

This should catch you up to mid-April 2024 in Jules Rivera’s Mark Trail. I’ll likely have my next plot recap up around July 2024, so look here if you’re after that time, or if any news about the comic breaks. For now, on to the animal-related antics!

Mark Trail.

14 January – 7 April 2024.

Mark Trail’s adventure in running an outdoor camp enjoyed its conclusion, about as I wrote up the last plot recap. Mark Trail’s cheer at enduring people having emotions evaporates when editor Bill Ellis calls. Ellis has a story about invasive horses in the United States southwest. Mark Trail is stunned to consider that wait … that’s right, they are invasive, aren’t they? Yeow.

Mark Trail’s contact in Utah is … wait, is that the southwest? Well, never mind. His contact is Diana Daggers, who concealed her identity from Bill Ellis so Mark Trail wouldn’t get even weirder about the job. She lays out why this is a story worthy of Instigator Magazine. The Bureau of Land Management has been managing wild horse populations … wait, are horses land? Well, never mind. They’re manageable … wait, are horses manageable? My experience with horse people tells me no, but you can usually get to an emergency room well enough.

Well, never mind. The Bureau of Land Management has been sending loud helicopters, beating at 120 dB, to round up horses. The horses get sold at auction for a dollar a head, with many of the horses getting sold to slaughterhouses. And if you think that’s depressing, you’re just now learning about animal welfare issues. Daggers, meanwhile, thinks the Bureau of Land Management is clearing the land at the behest of a developer. Wait, would the federal government put its power at the beck and call of someone rich? The whole of United States history says “the federal government went looking for someone rich they could service, actually”. But you can’t have rich people without having poor people trying to do the right thing, and that’s Clayton with the Happy Hooves horse rescue. They shelter horses. They also give long-lasting anti-fertility drugs, which control horse populations without requiring deaths.

Jules Rivera’s Mark Trail for the 25th of March, 2024. You might think Tad Crass hasn’t said much one way or another, but understand, he doesn’t want his old TV-show fans to learn that he’s now half-man, half-desk.

The land developer turns out to be Tad Crass, former stunt TV comedian and the dingbat who had an AI “write” a camp guide that almost got a guy killed. Mark Trail asks why Crass is using the federal government to clear horses on and around his land. Crass answers by ordering his security guards to beat Mark Trail up. Mark Trail punches some, and escapes more, saving his recorder with its precious … lack of anything said by Tad Crass … on it. And that’s where Mark Trail’s gotten.

---

Cherry Trail’s story begins with the Lost Forest talent show. Sunny Soleil Society chair Violet Cheshire does well with her harp solo, but gets upstaged by Doc Davis and Banjo Cat. Banjo Cat is Doc’s new adoptee, and the cat loves hanging out and singing when Doc plays banjo. Cheshire’s totally normal feelings about Banjo Cat get validation when knocks over her harp. (She and Cherry were moving it into the Society building). Cherry wants to know: why can’t he keep his cat indoors?

Jules Rivera’s Mark Trail for the 13th of March, 2024. “At least he was never part of some weird plagiarized self-help promotional scheme!”

Doc explains that Banjo Cat’s a stray that was happy to get food and shelter when wanted, but wants to be an outdoor cat. But learning how many birds outdoor cats kill a year unsettles Doc. And he’s horrified when a car narrowly misses hitting Banjo Cat. Banjo Cat, luckily, wants inside the Sunny Soleil Society building. Turns out Banjo Cat just wants to play with the harp and show up that Libby who thinks she’s so great. So a happy resolution for now.

Sunday Animals Watch!

Actually there are animals around almost every day of the week, but here’s ones that got featured in a Sunday informational strip:

• Largemouth Bass, 14 January 2024.
• Spotted Lanternflies, 21 January 2024.
• Domestic Cats, 28 January 2024.
• Mustangs, 4 February 2024.
• Grater Sage-Grouses, 11 February 2024.
• Grasshopper Mice, 18 February 2024.
• Desert Tortoises, 25 February 2024.
• Cicadas and lots of them, 3 March 2024.
• Crows and Ravens, 10 March 2024.
• Shamrocks, 17 March 2024.
• Bighorn Sheep, 24 March 2024.
• Chernobyl Wolves, 31 March 2024.
• “Recyclable” Plastic, 7 April 2024.

Next Week!

You know who’s great? Like, really great? Really, really great? Mary Worth. Yeah, that Mary Worth is a really, really, really great person. You know who’s as great as Mary Worth? I don’t know, I don’t know if there can even be someone great in the ways Mary Worth is great, and even if they’re great in ways Mary Worth is not great — and are the ways Mary Worth is not great really that great after all? — are they greater than Mary Worth is great? So we’ll go through three months’ worth of Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth and how great Mary Worth is. Great!

The Eclipse Has Made Me Late With _Mark Trail_ but I Think It’s Worth It

Sure, I could have used the time to re-read and summarize three months’ worth of Mark Trail strips but when you look at photos I got from going to Cedar Point for the eclipse you too will agree, it’s worth it. In what other way could I bring something like this to the world?

Also I hope that someone told Bonnie Tyler’s accountant that this month is a fluke, please don’t suppose that the radio play royalties are reflective of a new trend. Well, they’ll find out.

Definitely nailed it.

Would the Person From Area Code 661 Who Tried to Call Me Please Exist?

There’s not much chance I was going to answer the phone anyway, but the phone telling me — at 9:45 pm — that someone allegedly from area code “661” wanted me was ridiculous. First, it’s not allowed to call someone after 9 pm. Second, there is not a chance “661” is a legitimate area code. It’s barely a legitimate three-digit number, let alone something that might represent a group of people who all lived in the same area between 2004 and 2007 when they got a cell phone. Not buying it, not even trying to buy it, just, no. Whoever you are, I know better than to think you’re there.

I Am Also Curious About the Kids Serving the Lord by Getting a Pressure Cooker

So there I was, reading 70-year-old comic books as one will, and ran across a cute enough four-panel joke featuring Custer Crocodile and some dog who was so famous back in the day as to need no on-stage identification. I know the presumption here is if I say something, I’m making a joke, but here’s something I mean sincerely. I like the look of Custer Crocodile here. He’s got some nice styling on his snout there, particularly the not-really-necessarily line down the middle. Also I like that his arm, foot, and tail casts are themselves bandaged. Nice bit of set dressing on the gag. And then I noticed the advertisement on top, urging kids to win prizes by selling their Religious Wall Motto plaques. I know it’s hard to even see an advertisement but try looking at it now and see if you see.

Page 27 of Standard Comics’s (Not That) Buster Bunny #16, cover date October 1953. I’m also curious about the Powerful Table Radio. Would I have a table powerful enough to set it on? Would I be allowed to set it on top of the record cabinet instead, since that’s closer to the electrical outlet? Or does it not need electricity, instead drawing its might from the powerful table? Is that why it needs a powerful table? Can I use a regular table if I’ve adapted it to plug in to a wall socket?

So there’s the pitch: the world is on fire, mankind being crushed by crime and graft and dope and war and drink. So why don’t you serve the Lord and get … an Arthur Godfrey Ukulele. I admit my main associations with Arthur Godfrey are from the Dance Studio, because I’ve confused him with Arthur Miller, and learning from an old game show that he fired singer Julius La Rosa on-air to everyone’s surprise. My research suggests he (Godfrey) did play the ukulele, though, so that checks out I guess. But I also would not have associated him with cowboy hats. Anyway I guess I just wonder how fun this Fun Man Department is.

Statistics Saturday: Things You Should Know For The Solar Eclipse

• It’s best viewed from outdoors or at least a room with windows.
• It’s going to rain.
• You do not need to bring your own moon; in fact, most observing clubs frown on you doing so.
• You will want to stand underneath the Moon, but it doesn’t have to be directly underneath.
• Seriously, it’s going to rain harder than you knew it could rain.
• This is the most confusing time of year for Reverse Werewolves. Be kind.
• Do not stare directly at the sun, or ask for its autograph or for a selfie. The sun only provides these for charity events.
• Underneath the rain is going to somehow be an extra second layer of rain.
• Stay hydrated! You should have at least four heads to fully experience the eclipse.
• Even if the rain and clouds let up for a tiny bit Stumbo the Giant is going to accidentally be holding a box right where he blocks your view of the eclipse. Sorry.
• Stick around for the aftershow! Yes, there’s almost no chance they’ll talk Mercury into doing a transit right after the eclipse but on the million-to-one shot they do, do you want to miss it?
• It’ll rain through that too.

Reference: `T. E. Lawrence’: In Arabia and After, Basil H Liddell-Hart.

Oh, and a bonus tip for anyone considering using this as a chance to eat the Sun: it is spicier than you realize, so maybe tamp the intensity down a bit by making a sandwich of the Sun, using a dense roll, and a good bit of mayo and maybe some roast vegetables. (Do not pre-roast them.)

Statistics March: People Want Me To Explain Why The Comics Look Weird

It’s because Mike Manley has had health problems and substitute artists had to take over his strips. This ought to be an easy thing for comic strip web sites to take care of, but the people designing them made absolutely no allowances for the idea a comic strip might be created by different people at different times. Be gentle. Comics Kingdom can’t figure out how to put a list of comic strips in alphabetical order.

So that is a part of why I had a quite busy month around here, readership-wise. The other part is that years ago I posted an actual factual useful guide about which color Paas tablet gives you what color egg, and people go looking for that in the week before Easter and not afterwards. That did juice my totals, although even if you take out all the readers who came for the Paas tablets you’d still see a rise in readership in March compared to February. The numbers, hard as they might sort of be:

I wonder why there wasn’t a Paas-tablet-juiced peak in spring of 2023. We did have an Easter that year, didn’t we?
Screenshot

As hinted, there were 6,654 page views here in March, well above the twelve-month running mean of 5,633.8 and running median of 5,364.5. These came from 3,896 logged distinct visitors, above the running mean of 3,265.8 and blowing way past the running median of 3,075. There were 101 likes, pretty much dead on what you’d expect with a running mean of 98.1 and median of 98. The only shortfall this time was comments: there were 25 of them — the first time in almost two years there were fewer comments than posts — and way below the running mean of 60.8 and median of 57.5. I have no explanation for this phenomenon.

The most popular thing this past month was the Paas Tablet thing. Various posts about comic strips being weird were also popular, as was my confessing that I only just that day got this one Far Side comic. People love reading about other people admitting they didn’t get something. The six most popular things posted in March, though, during the month of March, were:

• What’s Going On In The Phantom (Weekdays)? Why does every comic look funny these days? December 2023 – March 2024
• Statistics February: While the Comics Kingdom Website Dies Why Not Read About My Writing?
• What’s Going On In Dick Tracy? Why is Dick Tracy all about Little Orphan Annie again? December 2023 – March 2024
• March Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing: Hair (the musical) versus Geography
• MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 31
• What’s Going On In Alley Oop? What happened to King Guz? December 2023 – March 2024

(The last three were tied for readers, which is why it’s not a top-five list.)

The most popular Statistics Saturdays of the month were a tie between What You Use Your Time Machine for as a Kid Versus as a Mature Person and Some Common Biological Terms That Biologists Agree Have No Actual Definition, Despite Being Good at Their Jobs

For the month to come … I have a lot of Comics Kingdom strips I planned to recap. With the web site redesign this is … you know, the redesign has settled into something not bad, especially for rolling back week after week in a single comic. The Favorites page is still a mess, but when they figure out “show comics in a defined order” again I’ll be roughly okay with it. Anyway, trusting that the site continues to be more or less okay, here’s my plan for the next couple weeks:

• Jules Rivera’s Mark Trail (9 April)
• Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth (16 April)
• Tony DePaul and Jeff Weigel’s The Phantom (Sundays) (23 April)
• Terry Beatty’s Rex Morgan, M.D. (30 April)
• Henry Barajas and Rod Whigham’s Gil Thorp (7 May)

If it strikes you that maybe Flash Gordon ought to fit in here somewhere too, yeah, you’re right; how about that?

I am always amazed by how many South American countries send me page views, which I can’t explain as some sort of accident or maybe prank on the part of a South American ISP. I’m glad to have the readers, I just know how provincial my writing is.

91 countries or country-like things sent me readers in March. 20 of them were single-view countries. Here’s the roster and how it compares to February’s:

Country	Readers
United States	5,185
Canada	223
Australia	165
United Kingdom	162
Brazil	112
India	100
Italy	66
Philippines	46
Netherlands	30
Switzerland	30
Sweden	28
Mexico	27
Germany	24
Spain	24
Czechia	23
France	23
Finland	21
South Africa	15
Hong Kong SAR China	14
Israel	14
Austria	12
Portugal	12
Trinidad & Tobago	12
Ecuador	11
Indonesia	11
Ireland	11
Argentina	10
Georgia	10
New Zealand	10
Poland	10
Russia	10
Saudi Arabia	10
Japan	9
Jordan	9
Uganda	9
Estonia	8
Romania	8
Turkey	8
Greece	7
Jamaica	7
Norway	7
Pakistan	7
Peru	7
Puerto Rico	7
Thailand	7
Colombia	5
Malaysia	5
Ukraine	5
Cayman Islands	4
Nigeria	4
Serbia	4
Taiwan	4
Denmark	3
Oman	3
South Korea	3
Sri Lanka	3
Bosnia & Herzegovina	2
Cambodia	2
Chile	2
Cuba	2
Dominican Republic	2
European Union	2
Guam	2
Hungary	2
Iraq	2
Kenya	2
Morocco	2
U.S. Virgin Islands	2
United Arab Emirates	2
Vietnam	2
Zimbabwe	2
Albania	1
Algeria	1
American Samoa	1 (*)
Bahamas	1
Bangladesh	1 (*)
Belgium	1
Costa Rica	1
Croatia	1
Egypt	1
El Salvador	1 (*)
Guatemala	1
Kuwait	1 (*)
Latvia	1 (*)
Lithuania	1
Maldives	1
Nepal	1 (*)
Nicaragua	1
Qatar	1
Singapore	1
Uzbekistan	1

American Samoa, Bangladesh, El Salvador, Kuwait, Latvia, and Nepal were single-view countries in February too; none of these were also single-view in January. Also hey, Singapore, what’s the deal? You should be cruising at like ten or more views. Let’s see what we can do about that.

WordPress figures I posted a mere 13,944 words in March, which shows what’s great about the Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing format, in that I fill the daily content hole without having to use so many words. Some of them I even use many times over. And it does so much of the work of writing funny parts on its own. I should find some more structures like that, or just go ahead and use it all year round.

If you’d like to be one of those who see what I do, please, come back here and read things! Or click on `Follow Another Blog, Meanwhile’ or `Follow Another Blog, Meanwhile Via Email’. The first will put this in your WordPress Reader, the other will put it in your e-mail reader. Or, if you’d like you can just add https://nebushumor.wordpress.com/feed to any RSS reader you have, and there’s a good chance you have one without realizing it. Follow that link and see what opens up. Never know.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 1

Greetings and felicitations and such! With the successful posting of the last part of the second Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction I ever turned into Mystery Science Theater 3000, where could I go next? Most anywhere, but where I did choose was to — I believe — my second-to-last Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction. I don’t come to this lightly; there’s over twenty things I could have done instead. But The Flophouse podcast just reviewed Sonic 2: The Secret of Knuckles’s Ooze so why shouldn’t I go for more Sonic stuff? There’s literally no reason to not.

Jaded Views was a story that coauthor Stephen Tramer, then a friend of mine, was very eager I riff, and though it took time to get around to it, I eventually did and was happy with how it turned out. Thaddeus Boyd I didn’t know at all, but we did eventually meet up in the comments section of Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place, one of my favorite sites out there. He said that he loved the fun I had with some dopey stories he and his friend wrote when they were twelve. I admitted, and admit, that I’m less proud than I used to be of making fun of a couple twelve-year-old boys’ fan fiction but as you read it all, I think you’ll concede I helped make a better experience of it. If you don’t, that’s life, isn’t it?

This is just the opening of the story, but I’ll explain thoughts about it afterwards anyway. To get ahead of things: I wrote this in 1998 or 1999 or so and that’s why there’s talk about Bill Cosby that’s whimsical and merry.

---

[ OPENING CREDITS ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. TOM, holding a script in both hands, is behind the desk. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J. Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants.

TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and 20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming. I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich’s ghost. Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a crossover bi-monthly comic book!

[ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet; Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it’s only the START of ‘A TOUCH OF MAGIC.’" JOEL leans back out. ]

TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the Rich Little Ghost" —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh, Casper, you’re richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads, "For the first time — meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)’s mischievous aunts transfer Richie’s allowance for one week to Casper, and cast Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story, "Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to the Rich character — I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems," number 34 —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels. Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad… It’s a GEM-ergency!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives, unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich, Senior’s office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars. Richie’s uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously separate characters. I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The weight of history is against you. Thank you.

[ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply.

CROW: Thank you, hello, and… hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger. Good day.

[ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ]

TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein until the commercials. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly accepts editorials from responsible members of the community, but does not expect any. Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIALS ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ]

JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep . twelve cents — you can earn your own spending money every week!

CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too — more than one hundred to choose from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes.

GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too.

[ MADS SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from it. TV’s FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV’s FRANK is there. A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ]

DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It’s not going to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ]

DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there isn’t enough heat to keep the car from freezing.

[ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV’S FRANK, and takes a handful of fake snow. ]

FRANK: So what we’ve invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I’m here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It’s early May, and I’m just plain chilly.

DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight bottle and….

[ TV’S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up. DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws it at the box. ]

DR. F: How’s that, Frank?

[ Several beats pass in silence ]

DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round.

[ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ]

DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers.

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left, drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled ‘ice cream.’ On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and a garage. ]

JOEL: If you’re like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby’s whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles?

TOM: We can’t spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own musical pen.

CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so draw a line from the car to the garage.

[ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical sequence plays. ]

JOEL: Of course, we’re never content to just recreate the old. We’ve added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to switch the musical pen to reggae …

[ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer, while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ]

TOM: *Or* rockabilly.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ]

CROW: And, of course, pipe organs.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with packaging tape. ]

DR. F: I think you’re gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You’re back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We’ve got a little spray of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda.

[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ]

ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages! Time to get your crayons and your —

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: MOVIE SIGN!

[ General panic. They leave for the theater. ]

[ To continue … ]

---

Tom Servo’s lecture is me going on about the first fan theory I remember annoying me. Well, the joke people won’t let die, anyway. I am a fan of both Richie Rich and Casper, and really most of the classic Harvey lighthearted spooky characters line. Still have nearly all the comics my grandmother bought for young me, which is why my references and the comic books cited are correct.

People really, really loved my ranting, though. It was nominated for that year’s MSTie awards for best host sketch. (I don’t remember whether it won.) “Tom Servo gets all huffy about a petty issue and Crow insults him” is a foolproof structure for a sketch; if you need one, try it yourself.

The car thermos bottle is basically just a garage, right? I owned a 1989 Celebrity at the time. I’d like to share some memories of the experience except it is impossible to remember a 1989 Chevy Celebrity; take a look at one and you’ll agree. As to why the scene is set in Leon, Wisconsin? … Looking up Leon, Wisconsin on Wikipedia tells me that it’s where Mercury 7 astronaut Deke Slayton was from, so that’s got to be what I was thinking.

“Poppa Panda” is not a Harvey Comics character, unlike most everybody else everyone calls everyone. It references the short-lived early-80s Saturday morning cartoon Pandamonium that I remember making an impression on me but I can’t tell you a thing about it past it had a character named “Poppa Panda” and nobody has a copy.

March Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing: The Final Two: The Two: Preheating versus Froogle

The Case For: Allows you to book time as “cooking” while you’re being angry at people on phones.

The Case Against: Is just “heating”.

---

Froogle

The Case For: Unknowable hours of fun trying to remember if this was a real product or service that Google offered at one point or a name someone made up to make fun of Google.

The Case Against: Evokes but does not deliver frogs. Unless it was a way to deliver frogs, in which case, it’s not anymore.

What’s Going On In Gasoline Alley? Is the place actually named Gasoline Alley? January – March 2023

Yeah, so, the town where Gasoline Alley takes place is named Gasoline Alley. In the current story Walt Wallet tells a few bits of how that came about. It’s mundane enough: the spot where Walt and his friends got together to try getting their cars to work was naturally named the “Gasoline Alley” and as town congregated around them the name stuck to the place. I suspect without knowing that Frank King didn’t have a particular town in mind for where his jokes were set, and by the time it mattered everyone called the place after the comic strip. I know that by the late-40s radio series the town was called Gasoline Alley and that seems to be as much name as it needs.

After reading this you should be up to speed on Jim Scancarelli’s Gasoline Alley for early April, 2024. Want to read all my plot recaps and, where available, news about the comic strip? Including, if you’re reading this after about July 2024, a more current plot recap? You’ll find everything I have to say about Gasoline Alley at this link. At other links, you might miss something.

Gasoline Alley.

7 January – 31 March 2024.

Last time I checked in on Gasoline Alley, Walt Wallet, a person of more than ten years of age, was having trouble doing the laundry. Clovia, his wife, took over the chore and found a note in his pocket. She wants to know what “The girls and I want to thank you for your generous gift! Your true love, Sweet Thing” could mean. Slim hasn’t got any idea. She kicks him out of the house.

Jim Scancarelli’s Gasoline Alley for the 5th of February, 2024. While I couldn’t imagine anyone seriously thought the love note was anything too different from what it was, I was surprised Scancarelli didn’t tease the story out by having Slim investigate and get some false leads, or

After a day spent at Corky’s Diner having coffee and schtick with Baleen Beluga, Slim falls asleep in the parking lot. The cops come waking him up, with the news that his wife filed a missing-persons report. Also that all is forgiven. The note was from Aubee, their granddaughter, who called to make sure he saw the note she slipped into his pocket for a surprise. It’s a thank-you note for the money he gave the kids’ cheerleading squad for outfits. So, a happy reconciliation in time for Valentine’s Day.

---

And then, the 12th of February, started the current story, with Clovia and Slim hearing news so shocking they can’t tell the reader about it for over a week, telling Skeezix, and having Skeezix go to Walt Wallet. That news: the city council is considering renaming Gasoline Alley. To have something that sounds more modern and not-so-dingy they fed the problem to an artificial intelligence, and after burning up 346 acres of Brazilian rainforest it gave a sure hit of a new name: For Peanuts Or For Hobbes.

Jim Scancarelli’s Gasoline Alley for the 28th of March, 2024. The Wallets are quite worried about the idea of Imeswine changing the town name “arbitrarily” but, I mean, towns change names all the time. Mind, I’m from New Jersey, where whatever you called them every municipality was officially named either “Washington”, “Hamilton”, or “Dover” until the last thirty years when they filed paperwork to spread the names out to, oh, “City of Toms River”, “Borough of Toms River”, and “Town of Toms River”.

The Wallets go to City Hall, where mayor Melba is not. She was called out of her office “real sudden like”, according to comedy relief Rufus. Acting mayor Elburt Imeswine is happy to see the Wallets right up until they start talking. He shuffles them off with the promise there’s a council meeting next week when they can talk about it. And that takes us up to Easter and the close of my reporting window. How will Mayor Melba come back home and quash the renaming plan? How will it turn out Vice-Mayor Imeswine tricked Melba into leaving town? We’ll find out in the weeks to come, I’m sure.

Next Week!

Also in the weeks to come! Jules Rivera’s Mark Trail hits more security guards and there’s something about a banjo cat! That’s if all goes to plan, and the plan is what I’ve claimed it is. We’ll see just what happens by next Tuesday, though.

March Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing: The Final Four: The Second Two: April Fool’s Day versus Snooze Alarms

April Fool’s Day

The Case For: Annual view of what corporate decision-making judges to be whimsy.

The Case Against: Honestly it peaked that time in like 1997 when all the comic strip artists swapped except that the Drabble guy couldn’t find a partner so just drew his own strip left-handed.

---

Snooze Alarms

The Case For: Everything great about being woken up, and at nine-minute intervals.

The Case Against: Association with the word ‘alarm’ is diminishing the fun value of the word ‘snooze’.

March Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing: The Final Four: The First Two: Easter in a Leap Year versus Organization

Easter in a Leap Year

The Case For: Can prank people into believing that the leap day means Lent was 41 days long.

The Case Against: If you thought of the prank around Ash Wednesday when anyone would have cared, now you have to sit and hope you remember this little touch of whimsy for 2028, and also this you is me, Joseph.

---

Organization

The Case For: Allows you to know what you have and how to get it.

The Case Against: Makes unavoidable the knowledge you have too much of the stuff you don’t ever need, too little of the stuff you do need, and no way to improve the situation.

Statistics Saturday: Unsolved Mysteries About The Blocks Of Chocolate Smeared On The Side Of My Mask

• That there are multiple blocks of chocolate wedged into the mask, as if I didn’t know to take it off before eating.
• That I have no memory of eating chocolate anywhere near a mask-wearing experience.
• That the blocks are in several separate locations, like I jabbed a bar of chocolate in several different spots until it worked.
• That the chocolate is solid, not melted at all, as though I dropped some chips in and they stayed stuck by static cling or a desire to continue embarrassing me.
• That they are on the way side of my mask, where it covers my cheek, as though there were several ways I didn’t understand how to eat.
• That I wore this without replacing it at least two days after my dear love warned me there was chocolate on the mask. (Well, that one I can explain: I forgot I was told and, you know, it’s not like I see that side of it.)

Reference: Dictionary of Minor Planet Names, Lutz D Schmadel.

March Pairwise Brackety Contest Thing: Potion of Bubbles versus Self-Checkout

Potion of Bubbles

The Case For: Unstoppable, unceasing stream of bubbles emerging from your mouth, nose, and ears for a full week.

The Case Against: None.

---

Self-Checkout

The Case For: Allows you to buy the week’s groceries without having to interact with anybody except the three different store employees who have to clear your good name from the AI camera that thinks you pocketed an 18-pack of Charmin Extra Charm.

The Case Against: How the person in line waiting for a register to open up glares at you, convinced of your incompetence, when the register demands you insert a coupon you’ve already dropped in and blown into the slot and pushed another coupon into the slot to rattle around some and it still won’t register.

MiSTed: Altered Destiny, Part 32

We have reached the end. Keith A—‘s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Altered Destiny reached its conclusion, with Keith-turned-Chris set up in a nice new home on a new planet with a girlfriend and he’s now a cyborg raccoon and everything. What is there to do but share the concluding host sketch, and my final thoughts about the story, as seen in 1997.

The whole of the MiSTing of Altered Destiny should be at this link. I’ll share some last thoughts after this ends.

---

[ INT SOL. CROW, JOEL, and TOM are baking cookies. There’s an amazing mess of batter, flour, eggshells, and such all over the entire set. CROW is reading from a cookbook. ]

CROW: Add two tbsps baking powder.

TOM: Two tbsps?

JOEL: Two tablespoons, right. [ Sprinkles it into the central bowl; starts stirring. ]

CROW: No, two tbsps.

JOEL: Guys…

TOM: I’ve got the baking pans all greased up, Joel.

JOEL: Ah, good.

[ JOEL reaches under and pulls up the baking trays. JOEL starts dabbing spoonfuls of batter onto the trays. ]

JOEL: So, do you two feel like you learned anything from this fanfic?

TOM: Learned anything?

CROW: What’s to learn from *this*?

JOEL: Well, how about that sometimes you have to give up your comfortable old home in order to do something meaningful with your life?

CROW: Like Keith-slash-Chris did?

JOEL: [ Continuing to place cookies ] Yeah.

TOM: But all Keith gave up was certain, horrible death.

CROW: And the only meaningful thing he did with his new life was get a girlfriend.

JOEL: That’s still pretty meaningful. Okay, how about learning, like Sally and the other Mobians did, about not accepting matters at face value, and withholding judgement until one learns the full truth of a situation?

CROW: You mean the way they unquestioningly took Keith into their ranks, and later repeated it when he became Chris, without even a cursory questioning to determine if he presented any sort of security risk, as if they knew he was the protagonist?

JOEL: All right, guys. Maybe what you should really draw from the story isn’t something directly shown in the text, but rather in the questions raised by the storyline.

CROW: Like what?

JOEL: Well…

[ JOEL takes the baking trays and places them underneath the desk, as though putting them in the oven. ]

JOEL: How much trust can you extend to a person, and how does a stranger earn your trust?

CROW: Ooh. Or you could ask what that Death Egg thing had to do with the story.

TOM:Or, you could ask, Sonic the Hedgehog: Why? Why? Why why WHY Sonic the Hedgehog already?

CROW: Hey, if the Internet had gotten big a decade earlier they might have been inflicting "Pound Puppies" fanfics on us.

JOEL: [ Shakes his head, reaches under to pull out trays of baked cookies. ] You two are incorrigible.

CROW: So stop incorriging us.

JOEL: [ Eating one of the cookies. ] What do you think, sirs?

[ D13. DR. FORRESTER and TV’s FRANK are sitting; TV’s FRANK still in the cardboard car and covered with red paint; but they are trying to scrub him clean. Little progress has been made. ]

DR.F: You know something, Frank?

FRANK: What’s that, Clayton?

DR.F: They’ve got to be feeling pretty darned smug up there.

FRANK: Because you didn’t manage to crush their souls with another "Sonic the Hedgehog" fanfic?

DR.F: Grrr…anyway, yes, that’s the problem.

FRANK: Oh, I’m sure you have a plan.

DR.F: That I do, yes. You see, they can feel proud for having passed through this one…

FRANK: But you’ve got more lined up?

DR.F: More lined up than you can even imagine, Frank. More stories from this same author…

FRANK: Wow.

DR.F: More and more fans writing their very first fanfic every day…

FRANK: Oh, that can be painful.

DR.F: Yes…we’ve gone easy on them so far.

FRANK: I can imagine, yes.

DR.F: So we’re going to let them be lulled into a sense of security now.

FRANK: You can destroy them later, certainly.

DR.F: Precisely, Frank. Would you press the button, please?

FRANK: Glad to.

[ TV’S FRANK stands up; hits DR. FORRESTER with the front of his cardboard car. ]

DR.F: Oouch!

FRANK: [ Oblivious ] Where was that button?

[ TV’S FRANK turns around; hits DR. FORRESTER again. ]

DR.F: Aagh!

[ TV’S FRANK turns around again; hits DR. FORRESTER again. ]

DR.F: Ooorg!

FRANK: There it is.

DR.F: FRANK!

FRANK: Oops…

[ TV’S FRANK pushes the button. ]

                          \  |  /   
                           \ | /                         
                            \|/                        
                          ---o---                          
                            /|\                          
                           / | \                        
                          /  |  \ 
                            

[ * Pwooom * ]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and Copyright 1997 Best Brains, Inc. "Sonic the Hedgehog" and "Sonic the Hedgehog" characters are trademarks of and Copyright Sega, Archie Comics, and DIC. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc, Sega, Archie Comics, or DIC is intended or should be inferred. Remaining characters are Copyright their creators; and the original story as a whole is Copyright Keith A—. This MiSTing is intended solely for personal entertainment and is not meant to be an insult to the creators or fans of the Sonic the Hedgehog products, and certainly not to Keith A—, who knew what he was getting into when he mentioned he had some Sonic fanfics too. The "Eclectic/Cool, I collect stuff too" joke was originally
written by Ginger V. Tuttle for The Rutgers Review, Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey.

> It was a detailed set of blueprints
>for something called a Death Egg.

---

So some last thoughts. My recollection is that I impressed Keith A— with having a concluding sketch that actually thought about the themes of the story, especially since he hadn’t thought there was much of a theme in it. There is some part of me that longs to be an English major, and always has. This sketch — and others like it in a lot of the fanfiction MiSTings I did — show off the part of me that, decades later, would strive to find good things to say about god-awful Jack Kinney Popeye cartoons and the like.

But there’s reason for it besides liking the stunt of finding this meaning. I don’t like just making fun of the source text. I chose to read it. In fact, went out of my way to make it part of my life. The actual show at least occasionally got stuck with something because they had a deadline and no better candidate films.

Also, it does bother me that doing MST3K fan fiction is a copyright infringement mess. You see the block of text, more or less copied from other MiSTers, at the end of this, and it’s all useless stuff. The only thing that could possibly excuse using Best Brains’s stuff is if I can do something that’s fair use. That’s normally things like using the original property for educational purposes or critiques or some kind of transformative effort that can’t be done without using the copyrighted material. The more a MiSTing uses the source material to think about something, the closer to fair use it gets.

Yes, I’m aware this only really excuses using the original fan fiction, the thing that gets critiqued the most explicitly, and that I didn’t need cover for since the author gave me permission. But could I do the criticism as well without Crow and Tom Servo and Joel Robinson delivering it? Maybe there’s an argument to be made there. I don’t know, and hope I don’t ever have to face it.

Though Keith A— was happy to have me MiST other of his stories I never did. I forget whether he never showed me another or whether I forgot to ask.

Joel making the much-discussed cookies was a thing I did because I love when a host sketch includes some unnecessary but visually appealing bit of business. Think of it as the Jiffy-Pop stuff in Eegah!, which might have been my most explicit model. Putting the tray under the desk and immediately pulling out a tray of baked cookies feels true to the show to me. My recollection is I worked out the riffs so that Crow and Tom Servo owed each other the same number of cookies, but what am I going to do, check my work? Someone else can do that. (They won’t.)

Next week: who knows?