MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 1

Greetings and felicitations and such! With the successful posting of the last part of the second Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction I ever turned into Mystery Science Theater 3000, where could I go next? Most anywhere, but where I did choose was to — I believe — my second-to-last Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction. I don’t come to this lightly; there’s over twenty things I could have done instead. But The Flophouse podcast just reviewed Sonic 2: The Secret of Knuckles’s Ooze so why shouldn’t I go for more Sonic stuff? There’s literally no reason to not.

Jaded Views was a story that coauthor Stephen Tramer, then a friend of mine, was very eager I riff, and though it took time to get around to it, I eventually did and was happy with how it turned out. Thaddeus Boyd I didn’t know at all, but we did eventually meet up in the comments section of Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place, one of my favorite sites out there. He said that he loved the fun I had with some dopey stories he and his friend wrote when they were twelve. I admitted, and admit, that I’m less proud than I used to be of making fun of a couple twelve-year-old boys’ fan fiction but as you read it all, I think you’ll concede I helped make a better experience of it. If you don’t, that’s life, isn’t it?

This is just the opening of the story, but I’ll explain thoughts about it afterwards anyway. To get ahead of things: I wrote this in 1998 or 1999 or so and that’s why there’s talk about Bill Cosby that’s whimsical and merry.

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[ OPENING CREDITS ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. TOM, holding a script in both hands, is behind the desk. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J. Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants.

TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and 20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming. I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich’s ghost. Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a crossover bi-monthly comic book!

[ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet; Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it’s only the START of ‘A TOUCH OF MAGIC.’" JOEL leans back out. ]

TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the Rich Little Ghost" —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh, Casper, you’re richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads, "For the first time — meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)’s mischievous aunts transfer Richie’s allowance for one week to Casper, and cast Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story, "Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to the Rich character — I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems," number 34 —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels. Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad… It’s a GEM-ergency!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives, unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich, Senior’s office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars. Richie’s uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously separate characters. I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The weight of history is against you. Thank you.

[ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply.

CROW: Thank you, hello, and… hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger. Good day.

[ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ]

TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein until the commercials. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly accepts editorials from responsible members of the community, but does not expect any. Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIALS ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ]

JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep . twelve cents — you can earn your own spending money every week!

CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too — more than one hundred to choose from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes.

GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too.

[ MADS SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from it. TV’s FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV’s FRANK is there. A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ]

DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It’s not going to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ]

DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there isn’t enough heat to keep the car from freezing.

[ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV’S FRANK, and takes a handful of fake snow. ]

FRANK: So what we’ve invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I’m here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It’s early May, and I’m just plain chilly.

DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight bottle and….

[ TV’S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up. DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws it at the box. ]

DR. F: How’s that, Frank?

[ Several beats pass in silence ]

DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round.

[ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ]

DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers.

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left, drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled ‘ice cream.’ On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and a garage. ]

JOEL: If you’re like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby’s whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles?

TOM: We can’t spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own musical pen.

CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so draw a line from the car to the garage.

[ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical sequence plays. ]

JOEL: Of course, we’re never content to just recreate the old. We’ve added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to switch the musical pen to reggae …

[ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer, while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ]

TOM: *Or* rockabilly.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ]

CROW: And, of course, pipe organs.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with packaging tape. ]

DR. F: I think you’re gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You’re back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We’ve got a little spray of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda.

[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ]

ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages! Time to get your crayons and your —

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: MOVIE SIGN!

[ General panic. They leave for the theater. ]

[ To continue … ]

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Tom Servo’s lecture is me going on about the first fan theory I remember annoying me. Well, the joke people won’t let die, anyway. I am a fan of both Richie Rich and Casper, and really most of the classic Harvey lighthearted spooky characters line. Still have nearly all the comics my grandmother bought for young me, which is why my references and the comic books cited are correct.

People really, really loved my ranting, though. It was nominated for that year’s MSTie awards for best host sketch. (I don’t remember whether it won.) “Tom Servo gets all huffy about a petty issue and Crow insults him” is a foolproof structure for a sketch; if you need one, try it yourself.

The car thermos bottle is basically just a garage, right? I owned a 1989 Celebrity at the time. I’d like to share some memories of the experience except it is impossible to remember a 1989 Chevy Celebrity; take a look at one and you’ll agree. As to why the scene is set in Leon, Wisconsin? … Looking up Leon, Wisconsin on Wikipedia tells me that it’s where Mercury 7 astronaut Deke Slayton was from, so that’s got to be what I was thinking.

“Poppa Panda” is not a Harvey Comics character, unlike most everybody else everyone calls everyone. It references the short-lived early-80s Saturday morning cartoon Pandamonium that I remember making an impression on me but I can’t tell you a thing about it past it had a character named “Poppa Panda” and nobody has a copy.