MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 12

The search for Kabuki’s kidnapper had turned to a race to stop Jade from killing former body-mates Maxl and Tracker, last time on Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s 1990s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views. And for some reason this is taking them to the opera house on Sonic the Hedgeworld. Why? I don’t know, I read this thing like 25 years ago and I’m not sure I understood why everything happened like it did. I don’t need to understand stuff, I just need to ridicule it.

With that in mind, the entirety of my 2000-era Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation — and how I now know for sure this was completed no earlier than 2000 — at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> Chapter 7 In the Green

JOEL: And just off the plaid.

>
> Jade glanced at her watch,

TOM: Man, lunch is *never* gonna get here.

> then looked off the cliff at
> Mobius’ only remaining opera house,

JOEL: Right next to its only remaining Lutheran deli.

> which, for some reason, had not
> been found by Robotnik.

CROW: Robotnik was more a fan of the Mobotropolis Pops.

> So that was where Maxl and that fool Tracker
> were.
>
> As far as she was concerned,

TOM: Kirk would always be cooler than Picard.

> the schizophrenic Maxl who had
> created her could die. It was his fault that Tracker, who would have
> made a great ally otherwise, was so stupid from banging his head
> into trees so many times.

CROW: It was his fault that nobody’s made a good "Popeye" cartoon since 1950.

JOEL: It was his fault that "Freaks and Geeks" got cancelled.

>
> Jade wondered what would happen to her if she killed Maxl,

TOM: Obviously, one of the Skeksis would die to balance everything out.

> but
> she didn’t care if she died. She had nothing to live for.

JOEL: Even her bunny books seem empty to her.

>
> "Why did you choose

TOM: [ Thick Brooklyn accent ] I choose so’s I can swallow safely.

> an opera house anyway, you fool?" Jade
> grumbled to herself.

JOEL: He’s got season tickets, is all.

> She checked her watch,

TOM: [ As Jade ] Hey! My watch is here, but somebody took my wrist!

> then walked away from
> the edge of the cliff,

CROW: And two hardboiled eggs!

TOM: Honk!

CROW: Make that three hardboiled eggs!

> and started on her way down the hill to the
> opera house.
>
> "Found the opera house," came a whispered voice nearby. "Found
> a green badger, too." It was quiet,

ALL: Too quiet.

> but didn’t escape Jade’s
> hearing.
>
> Jade turned around, but saw nothing.

TOM: Too nothing.
[ JOEL puts his hand on TOM’s shoulder. ]

> Whoever she had heard had
> somehow disappeared. "I guess I’m being followed by someone who’s
> pretty good at the biz," she mused.

JOEL: It’s gotta be ghost pirates from space.

> "Well, let’s see how they like
> this!"
>
> Jade clicked her heels together,

CROW: o/` Five, six, seven, *kick*! o/`

> and muttered "There’s no
> place like home!"

TOM: And no smell like mutton!

> A hideous grin shone on her face, and she
> disappeared.
>
> "She teleported!"

JOEL: [ Fanning his arms ] No, *you* teleported!

TOM: If you reported, you teleported.

CROW: Hey, I’m standin’ here, and I’m telling you, *you* teleported.

> Espio gasped into his wrist communicator.
>
> "She can’t have gotten far," Kabuki’s voice replied.

JOEL: Unless she took the Stargate portal to Apokalips.

>
> "Teleporting takes power," observed X3.

CROW: And for that you need a good breakfast with Cheerios.

>
> "Not to mention the fact that, the farther you teleport,

TOM: The more likely you’re going to have a layover in Detroit.

> the
> more your head hurts afterwards!" Hedgehog X put in.

JOEL: So, anybody else picture Hedgehog X’s voice being done by Keanu "Bill & Ted" Reeves?

>
> "Fine," Espio’s voice crackled on Knuckles’ watch, "I’ll check
> the perimeter."

CROW: I already checked it, you still just add the length and the width and double it.

>
> "Good," Knuckles said. "Knuckles out."
>
> "When do you think the others’ll show up?"

TOM: As soon as they notice we’ve got their car keys.

> inquired Sonic,
> impatiently. "Why didn’t you just let me run back and get the
> tickets?"

CROW: Because you’re not safe on your own ever since the SwatBots discovered how vulnerable you are to the "Your shoelace is untied" trick.

>
> "We’re not even on the Floating Island anymore, Sonic," Sally
> reminded him.

JOEL: Neither are we in Utica. So what?

> "There’s no way you could run back.

TOM: You must use your skills in sideways bunny hopping.

> As for the time
> they’re taking, well, you really need to learn some…"
>
> "There it is!" X3 shouted.

CROW: Aaaaand…STOP!

TOM: Oooh! You hit a whammy!

> "ANT 100!" Sure enough, the silver
> ship was quite close on the horizon.

TOM: Wait, no, that’s Cobra’s evil flying aircraft carrier.

>
> ANT, the Advanced Neurological Test,

JOEL: Oh, yeah, I had to take those in eighth grade.

> had been Rotor and
> Bookshire’s first test of high-level artificial intelligence.

CROW: They finally invented a computer that waits until you go to the bathroom and then moves the chess pieces around.

> ANT
> was created to keep house, but as Rotor and Bookshire learned more
> advanced programming,

JOEL: Like how to clean off soap scum from the glasses.

> they upgraded it more.
>
> As ANT went through many changes, and even did some Freedom
> Fighting, he became dubbed by Sonic "ANT 100",

TOM: Known as X, to avoid confusion.

> and his latest
> enhancement allowed him to transform into an aircraft.

CROW: I wonder if he wages his battles to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.

>
> The silver ship

JOEL: That’s moderately tricky to say ten times fast.

> landed in front of the small group of Freedom
> Fighters, and a door opened.

TOM: He must’ve had the key of imagination.

> They walked in.
>
> "Land about a mile away from the coordinates Espio gave us,"

CROW: Then walk right back and lick us on the nose. We just want to mess with your head.

> Sonic said. "We’ll get the jump on ’em."
>

JOEL: But if the chapter ends too soon they won’t be able to head them off at the pass.

[ To continue … ]

---

This isn’t something that needed explaining but where else can I possibly fit this in? So one time in alt.fan.conan-obrien someone asked whether Conan’s sidekick Andy Richter was Lutheran. Nobody had any idea, but did the best we could to find out, searching for whatever might be publicly known about his religious affiliations if any. The only thing anyone could find was this fanfic, since somewhere among the riffs is a mention of Andy Richter and you see the “Lutheran deli” line here.

Also from this segment you learn that I hadn’t given the Popeye cartoons a serious rewatching when I wrote this, which must have been in 2000 or the Freaks and Geeks reference was premature but extremely foreseeable. I would today say there were some good Popeye cartoons after 1950 but would still admit that it’s (usually) easier to have a good time watching one from the 30s.

The Skeksis are either the good guys or the bad guys from The Dark Crystal. Someone please check on that.

“Even her bunny books seem empty to her” is a lift from a Peanuts strip where Snoopy was having some existential dread. I misquoted the strip, because I thought I knew it so well that I didn’t go back and check it. I take full responsibility for my error.

I have a vague idea that “ghost pirates from space” is riffing on Scooby-Doo premises. I’m almost sure that Cobra had an evil flying aircraft carrier in the 80s G.I.Joe cartoon.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 11

Last time in my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction I shared a host sketch, the midshow sketch for the MiSTing of Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views.

The story has revealed that Kabuki was kidnapped by the fusion of three badgers, the dopey teens Maxl and Tracker and the sensible teen Jade. And now this is the stuff the Freedom Fighters are dealing with instead of overthrowing the evil Dr Robotnik or whatever they’re up to most of the time.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s short but quick installment.

---

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ TOM and JOEL are sitting in the theater. CROW enters. ]

CROW: Hey, who’re the robots?

TOM: We are the best.

JOEL: Yup, you are.

> "Oh, great," HX muttered. "Looks like we have to go to an
> opera and stop Jade from killing these guys!"

TOM: Yeah, or else we’ll lose their skills at… running into trees.

>
> "No big loss if she does," Sonic commented.

CROW: And that’s my only line.

>
> "C’mon, guys," Kabuki said, "we’re going to that opera."
>
> "But we don’t know where it is!" Sally said.

JOEL: Check the papers and see where Susan Kane is performing.

> "Maybe the
> address is on the tickets…get them out!"

ALL: Get them out! Shove them out! Waaaay out!

>
> "Umm…I don’t have ’em," Sonic said.
>
> "Me neither," said HX.

JOEL: Check your jackets!

TOM: You look under the car seat?

CROW: You mailed them with the phone bill, I’m telling you.

>
> It turned out everyone had forgotten the tickets.

TOM: Y’know, I just see Thaddeus and Stephen eating the rubber pizza in lunch period and writing that line and snickering all the way until seventh period when Mrs. Falvo told them to pay attention to her readings from "The Red Pony."

>
> "Not to worry," Knuckles said.

CROW: I now come in a refreshing mint sensation.

> He looked at his watch.

JOEL: A lot of watch-checking in this story.

CROW: Must be the high crime area.

>
> "What do you mean, ‘not to worry’?!" X3 screeched.

TOM: We only have all the time in the world to look for them!

> "You’re
> acting just like Maxl!"
>
> "No I’m not…it’s a wrist communicator, mon!" Knuckles
> explained. "Knuckles to team! Come in, team!"

JOEL: This is the Buffalo Sabres. How may we direct your call?

>
> "What’s up?" came a voice through the speaker in his watch.
>
> "We need transportation," Knuckles explained.

CROW: And maybe somebody to help us move this couch.

>
> "What’s your location?" came the voice.

TOM: We’re wedged in, half past the sixth chapter.

>
> Sally whipped out Nicole and a connector cord, and plugged it
> into a small socket in Knuckles’ watch. "I’m sending you our
> coordinates," she said.
>
> "Vector, take Mighty

CROW: [ Singing ] Here I come to save the day!

> and Charmee to the Hidden Palace,"
> Knuckles said. "Get ANT 100, and grab those opera tickets! Send
> Espio to see if he can find any badgers."

JOEL: Not to disparage the story or anything, but that’s a sequence of words I would’ve bet I’d never hear in my life.

>
> "Check," the voice replied. "This is Vector, out."

TOM: Roger, Vector. How is Hector?

>
> Before the signal died, they faintly heard the voice saying,

CROW: The calls are coming from inside the fanfic!

> "See, Mighty? I told you my headphones were good for something!"

[ To continue … ]

---

“The Red Pony” is a book I have a clear vague memory of reading in middle school. Mrs Falvo was not one of my middle school teachers, though; I pulled the name from a series of sketches on SCTV for some reason.

Hector and Vector are not just pleasantly rhyming names. They were also a pair of androids on the original Battlestar Galactica. There was an excellent reason to summon them from pop culture oblivion like this, but I will never know what it was. They were probably made on budget.

There was no reason to name the Buffalo Sabres except the have a good comic name.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 10

Previously in Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views — ah, but never mind that. We’re not advancing their late-90s story today. Today we’ve got that centerpiece of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction, the host segment! This is one of my favorites, combining as it does a spray of topics, staging that I’m certain the show could actually have done, and a fundamental dopiness. Please enjoy!

The whole of my MiSTing of Jaded Views should be here. At the end of the segment I’ll explain what I was thinking and what the obscure references are.

---

[ SOL DESK. A movie screen is rigged up to stage left of the doors. JOEL stands to stage right, holding a kazoo. ]

JOEL: Hit it, Cambot!

[ JOEL begins playing Star Wars-like theme. ]

[ On the projector, black piece of cardboard slide into view. Written on it is: ]

"A long time ago in a Mobius far, far away…"

[ The cardboard is slid out; new piece is slid in. On it is written ]

                              JADED VIEWS   

[ The cardboard is slid out; a new piece is scrolled up slowly. It reads ]

                               EPISODE I
                          THE PREQUEL MENACE
                          
         It is a time of great turmoil.  The evil ROBOTNIK is          
         in control of MOBIUS, unless he is not.  But HOPE is          
         not lost,  as from  their secret  HIDDEN PALACE  the         
         valiant  FREEDOM  FIGHTERS  are  fighting  VALIANTLY          
         for FREEDOM.                  
         
         In MUCH and DESERVEDLY overlooked MITROFAN IVANOVICH          
         NEDELIN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL  three  young  and  perky          
         badger FRIENDS,  TRACKER the clean-minded one,  JADE          
         (a lass of fifteen winters plus a summer in FLORIDA)          
         and MAXL, the FUN-loving one,  draw UNKNOWINGLY near          
         a horrible FATE  that will someday  leave the future           
         of MOBIUS hanging in the BALANCE.                  
         
         UN-altered  REPRODUCTION  and  DISSEMINATION of this          
         IMPORTANT  Information is ENCOURAGED,  ESPECIALLY to          
         COMPUTER BULLETIN BOARDS. 

[ JOEL quickly stops kazooing, and takes down the screen. CROW and TOM (who has a notebook stuck on his arm) enter. ]

TOM: I give up, Maxl. What did you find in your gym locker today?

CROW: [ With as ridiculous a Brooklyn accent as can be managed. ] I found me this weird little ring. Wasn’t there yesterday, I don’t know who left it.

TOM: Boy, how weird can you get?

GYPSY: [ Walking in ] Hey, guys, what’s up?

CROW: Hey, Jade, I was just showin’ Tracker this weirdo ring I found.

GYPSY: It doesn’t look like much. What’s it do?

CROW: Beats me. Hey, wouldn’t it be awesome if we all looked at this ring at the same time and it magically fused us all into a single body that we each wrestled for control of?

TOM: Hey, yeah, that’d be *extra* keen!

GYPSY: Maxl, that’s the dumbest thing I —

[ TOM, CROW and GYPSY all start shaking and making babbling noises. There’s a PUFF of smoke and the three of them duck behind the desk. A ring goes flying up and onto the desk. ]

JOEL: [ Coming in, pushing a broom. He spots and picks up the ring. ] Oh, this is nice. I’ll have to give this to my daughter Kabuki, if she wasn’t captured by the forces of evil today.

[ JOEL shuffles offstage, humming. ]

[ CROW slowly gets up. ]

CROW: [ With his Brooklyn voice ] Oh, man, what did we do?

CROW: [ With GYPSY’s voice ] Maxl, you blundering idiot!

CROW: [ With TOM’s voice ] Hey, this is cool!

CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] Oh, neat, we’re going to get three times the allowance now!

CROW: [ With TOM’s voice ] And with the three of us chewing, we’ll be able to blow *really big* bubble gum bubbles!

CROW: [ With GYPSY’s voice ] Find that ring. I’m getting out of this chicken outfit.

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

CROW: [ With the Brooklyn voice ] We can’t!

CROW: [ ALL VOICES ] WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

[ To continue … ]

---

I put serious thought into writing that Joel was playing“ a Star Wars-like theme” because of doubt about what this text is. A comic performance will usually want to delay revealing the funny bit or at least make the audience put two and two together for it. A script needs to not withhold anything the producing company needs to stage it. I concluded the kayfabe of this being the script to a sketch, rather than a sketch the reader is watching, meant I had to say what Joel was playing. It helped my decision that I don’t know how I’d describe “a Star Wars-like theme” in text any better than that.

Robotnik being in control of Mobius “unless he is not” reflects that many fanfics were written in a time after Robotnik was overthrown but there were still problems. Chief Marshall of the Military Mitrofan Ivanovich Nedelin was the head of the Soviet’s R-16 intercontinental ballistic missile program and died, with somewhere between 50 and 150 others, in a 1960 launch pad accident. Sorry to be so edgy.

The description of the three young and perky badger friends is lifted from the Chuck Jones cartoon The Dover Boys At Pimento University, as you probably knew already.

“UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMMINATION” etc is from the signature of noted Usenet crank Robert McElwaine. Man had opinions.

My recollection is Tramer really loved Crow/Tom’s speculation that now they’d be able to blow really big bubble-gum bubbles.

“The Prequel Menace” turned out to be a catchy enough name that when discussing the Star Wars prequels I’ll sometimes call The Prequel Menace that and people assume I’m making an even snarkier joke than I mean. I’m lucky the modern Internet leaves us with so few reasons to talk about Star Wars.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 9

Last time in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views, Kabuki’s magic ring revealed secrets of her recent kidnapping. She had come across a badger screwing around in the woods, whose magic ring split it into three badgers. Two of them — Maxl and Tracker — fought the third, Jade. Kabuki took over the fight for some reason, leaving Maxl and Tracker free to come back for her someday, they swear. And now? What comes next?

---

>
> Chapter 6 Badger Hunting

TOM: [ As Elmer Fudd ] Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heeeeuh

>
> There was a long period of silence.

JOEL: We now pause to remember those video game systems that have died before us.

> Tails was the first to
> break it, with one word:

TOM: And for some reason the word was "eolith."

> "Whoa."
>
> "That about summarizes it,"

JOEL: Apart from the stuff about the bagel chips.

> Kabuki said. "I was pretty
> surprised, too, when I got the letter from one of them."
>
> "Hence the catatonic stupor," Bookshire finished.

CROW: For… reasons that might make sense to somebody else.

>
> "Y’know what I think?" Sonic asked rhetorically.

TOM: If they had made a Ghostbusters III, it should’ve been a 3-D movie. That’s what I think.

>
> Just about everyone in the room replied, "Let’s go find those
> badgers!"

CROW: You know where I’d look? The treasure of the Sierra Madre.

TOM: Good answer, good answer.

>
> "Let’s set up the away team," Sally said.

CROW: Just as soon as this turns into a Next Generation fanfic.

> "We can’t have too
> many gone,

JOEL: You can never have too many gone.

> but we need a sizable amount, in case of trouble."

TOM: Need at least eight hundred. Maybe four.

CROW: But no more than three, so let’s say eighteen thousand, at a minimum.

>
> "I’m going," Kabuki said.

JOEL: I got an offer to be in a "Samurai Pizza Cats" fanfic.

> "After all, it’s my past."
>
> "I’ll go," Amaroq said.
>
> "Count me in," Knuckles said.

TOM: This could be our chance to get rid of all the characters.

> "This should be fun!"
>
> "In that case, I won’t go," Amaroq said in disgust. Knuckles
> was the one Freedom Fighter who he not only needled, but loathed.
>
> "I know where they are," X3 said,

JOEL: So what are you organizing a search party for?

> "so I have to go, too."
>
> "I’ll go," Hedgehog X said. "After all, I’m a bit of a schizo
> myself!"

CROW: X, you and X check in the attic. X and X, you go out back and see if anyone’s there. X, X, and X can check the neighbors, while me and X will call and see if X or X learned anything from talking with X, X, X, and X.

>
> "Hey!" came Zero’s voice. "Just cuz we’ve got two minds in one
> doesn’t make us schizo!"
>
> "It kinda goes without saying that I’m going," Sonic said.

TOM: No search party’s complete without glib quotes insulting Robotnik and whining about chili dogs.

>
> "I think I should go," Sally said.

JOEL: So we can make this more needlessly risky.

> "After all, one
> level-headed individual — or two, depending on how you look at it
> — isn’t enough.

CROW: This isn’t saying a lot for the Mobian brain trust.

> HX could use some help in controlling you four.
> Besides, I’m the only one here who can use Nicole…without messing
> with it, that is."

JOEL: Without getting it all chewy.

>
> "Sounds good to me," said Kate.
>
> "Have a good time!" X said.

CROW: Write if you get subplots!

>
> The group jumped into one of the Warp Rings that were the exit
> of the Hidden Palace

TOM: ‘Cause they have warp rings to exit the Hidden Palace, you know.

> (where the Freedom Fighters had been living
> ever since the destruction of their second Knothole),

JOEL: They blew up Knothole!

CROW: Bet it blowed up lame.

TOM: Real lame, or it would’ve been in the backstory.

> and found
> themselves a mere mile from where the badgers were living.
>
> They came to where X3 had seen Maxl and Tracker.

CROW: Hey, this spot’s an optical allusion!

> The hut was
> still there,

JOEL: Huts rarely move more than four feet per day except at the height of mating season.

> but the badgers weren’t! All they found was a note on

> the door:

CROW: [ Reading ] Doorbell out of order, blow trumpet to the right.

>
> Deer Cabookee

TOM: The least popular Pokemon.

>
> Im sory if you came by wile i was goNe.

JOEL: I hear this note was donated by SonicFan.

> i’m at the opra,

CROW: Opra, The Okra Opera, starring Ochre Oprah.

> pleez
> com joyn me n tRacKer.

TOM: [ Elmer Fudd ] In holy matwimony. Eh-heh-heh-hheh-heeeeeh.

> uSe the tikkets I gave u.
>
> Luv, M@)( |_

JOEL: Oh, now that’s the smiley representing a carpenter’s square.

> (the Wandring SyKKo)
>
> "Yecch," Kabuki muttered.

CROW: She’s good at that. She should write the parody names of TV shows and movies for Mad magazine.

>
> "Hey, wait," X3 said. "There’s another note below that!"

JOEL: And… and there’s a little *more* dust on it!

>
> Deer Jayd
>
> This wasnt riten by Maxl,

TOM: It’s a plant by a power-mad Sid Meier.

> but an eevil fayk Maxl. Pleas do not
> pay any attenshin 2 it! PLEAS! Thanx.
>
> Sined,

JOEL: Two cosine half-theta sine half-theta.

> Not M@)(|_

CROW: Sneezing on the keyboard, dramatically represented.

JOEL: Anyone else get the feeling we’re not going to see all the backstory here?

>

CROW: Like where Maxl and Jade and Tracker came from, why they’re in one body, what that stuff with the rings was?

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Exactly.

TOM: Get the Super-8 projector, we can do something about that.

[ ALL file out. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ To continue … ]

---

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. If you want to get the whole experience.

An eolith is a rock formation that was thought, for a while, to be among the earliest, crudest stone tools. They’re just rocks. I was probably right about Ghostbusters III but in 1998(?) we had better things to think about.

Samurai Pizza Cats was one of very many attempts to make Our Own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, this time by redubbing some other show without regard for what it was actually about. I liked it at the time and I’m sure the villain being a crossdressing guy who sounds like Paul Lynde hasn’t aged badly at all.

“They blew up Knothole” references SCTV’s Farm Film Celebrity Blow-Up. “Doorbell out of order, blow trumpet to the right” is lifted from a Bizarro strip. SonicFan was a fan fiction writer of the late 90s with a casual attitude toward spelling and grammar.

There is no deeper joke in referencing Sid Meier besides I played a lot of his games. Joel’s joke about two cosine half-theta sine half-theta is a correct application of the double-angle formula; this number is equal to the sine of theta.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 8

Last week in Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views, a jolt of electricity brought Kabuki out of her coma. She reveals that it was the note from The Wandering Psycho that made her lose consciousness. Also that the Wandering Psycho was really a badger and a shadowy figure named “something like Maxwell” and “the Tracker”. How will this interact with our … heroes? … of Maxl and Tracker? We can only hope to learn soon.

The whole of my MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction segment from the even later 90s..

---

>
> Chapter 5 The Kindness of Strangers

TOM: I have always relied upon this chapter.

>
> The vision appeared blurry at first,

JOEL: [ "Hitting" the screen ] Somebody jiggle the antenna, please.

> but then slowly began to
> resolve,

CROW: The story proudly announces this is the year it’s losing those 15 pounds.

> and then sounds started coming up. Soon, even though it was
> green,

JOEL: It did not reflect the great taste of lymon.

> the Freedom Fighters watching could make out every color
> through some enchantment.

TOM: That is to say, it was not green.

>
> The picture showed a badger, running into a tree repeatedly.

CROW: Discount Sisyphus. When you don’t have time to push a rock up a mountain for *all* eternity.

>
> "Fool!" he screamed in a feminine voice.
> "You’re…oof!…going to get …oof!…us all…oof!…killed!"

JOEL: If you make it angry the tree’s going to pull a knife on you!

>
> "Lay off!" he said in another voice, male with a New York
> accent.

TOM: Ooooooh.

JOEL: I get it *now*.

CROW: Yeah… what?

> "I’m…oof!…goin’ fo’ a new…oof!…record!" He checked
> his watch.

TOM: Nope, nobody stole my wrist while I wasn’t looking.

>
> "We’ve been running…oof!…into the tree
> for…oof!…twenty-five minutes now!"

CROW: Somehow I empathize with him.

> he said triumphantly, this
> time using the same male voice, only without the accent.

TOM: The accent is added for clarity.

> "Excellent!"
>
> The figure of a Siamese cat approached silently from behind.

JOEL: I wonder if she’s connected to the other Siamese cat in the story.

> It was clearly Kabuki. "Ummm…what exactly do you think you’re
> doing?" she inquired.

TOM: Practicing for the Presidential election.

>
> "Making…oof!…new…oof!…records!" the New York accent
> replied.

CROW: Dealing with your student loan people, dramatically represented.

>
> "Stop…oof!…this at…oof!…once!" screamed the female
> voice.
>

JOEL: It’s like watching a Red Sox fan.

> "We’ve…oof!…already made a new…oof!…record!" the
> normal male voice pointed out.
>

TOM: I understand being in the military is just like this.

> "Fine. I’ll…oof!…stop!" The badger stopped abruptly.
>

JOEL: This is how I felt at every business meeting I ever attended.

> "I want control of the body next!" the normal male voice said.
>

TOM: I wonder if that’s Mel Blanc’s missing thousandth voice.

> "No!" the female voice replied. "You’ll just do something
> stupid like Maxl! I should have control!"

CROW: I think we do have to admit. Guys are just dopey.

> There was a tremendous
> argument.
>
> "Schizophrenia," Kabuki murmured to herself.

TOM: As presented in the movies, anyway.

> "Maybe I should
> put the poor thing out of its misery…" She drew her katana and got
> ready to strike,

CROW: The Rudy Giuliani approach to psychiatric care.

> but just before she would have made the killing
> blow, the ring on her finger started to glow.
>

JOEL: Hey! No fair flashbacking inside the flashback!

> "What the bleep?!" Kabuki gasped (she commonly used the word
> "bleep" when she felt like swearing).

CROW: It’s just a little thing she does.

> "It’s that gem the fox

TOM: The one whose name I can’t think of for no readily apparent reason.

> gave
> me! It’s…it’s possessed!"
>
> An eerie green glow emanated from the ring, and shone on the
> badger.

JOEL: I think this badger’s a ringer.

> Its eyes grew big,

TOM: And when a Mobian’s eyes are big, you know it’s big.

> and the green light grew so bright that
> no-one could see a thing.

CROW: The truth behind LASIK surgery.

> When their vision was cleared, they saw
> that there was no longer one badger, but three.

TOM: And this is progress?

>
> One badger looked the same as before, only a bit dirtier, and
> was wearing weird clothing.

CROW: Man, it’s like we’ve known him all his life.

> "What’s goin’ on?!" he asked in the New
> York accent.

JOEL: We wuz headed fur Canarsie an’ dis cabbie pulls up onna curb.

>
> "I think…we’re…finally…free," contemplated a dark-clad
> badger with a hood hanging down from his outfit,

TOM: [ Awed ] The birth of Orko!

> in the unaccented
> male voice.
>
> "Finally," sighed the female badger, who was not only wearing
> green, but whose fur was green to match.

CROW: [ Calling out ] Hey, Kabuki! Jiggle the ring again!

TOM: Yeah, any robot babes in there?

> "I’ve had to put up with
> running into trees and other stupid stuff of the like for years
> now!"

JOEL: It’s particularly frustrating because she could have a meaningful life of sneaking into Robotropolis to commit vague and pointless minor acts of sabotage or to steal precious supplies of canned beets.

>
> The green badger contemplated for a moment,

TOM: [ As the green badger ] Why aren’t couches named something tougher?

> then growled, "And
> it’s your fault!" She struck at the normally-colored badger.
>
> "Maxl! Get down!"

CROW: Get funkalicious!

> shouted the dark-clad badger, and threw
> himself into Maxl to knock him out of the way.

TOM: Freedom Fighters Moe, Larry and Curly.

>
> "You’ll pay for that, Tracker," hissed the green badger, eyes
> narrowing.
>
> "No prob, Jade," said Maxl. "Will you take cash…or credit?!"
> With that, he pulled a credit card out of his pocket,

JOEL: Even armageddon can’t stop you from getting pre-approved credit cards in the mail.

> and threw it
> at Jade, breaking her fingernail. "Don’t leave home without it," he
> said.
>
> Jade screamed in outrage.

CROW: *And* peanut brittle.

> "I’ll destroy you for that!!!" she
> shouted.

TOM: Jade has some issues with rage to work out.

>
> "Not so fast!" Kabuki said, leaping in Jade’s way. "Name’s
> Kabuki Ninomiya.

CROW: [ As Kabuki ] No, really! Stop giggling!

> Normally, I’d sympathize with someone who got their
> fingernail broken,

JOEL: A fingernail once saved my life.

> but I’m against the slaughter of dumb animals!"
>
> "Yeah!" Maxl chimed in. "Hey, wait a minute…"

TOM: [ As Maxl ] Goldfish don’t retire! My parents lied!

>
> "We’re not dumb!" Tracker said. "Listen: Two times three
> is…umm…six!

CROW: Our authors, ladies and gentlemen.

> Four times eighteen is…umm…not six! So there!"

TOM: Maybe we could slaughter them a little?

>
> "Go!" Kabuki commanded. "I’ll take care of this bleep!"
>
> Tracker and Maxl started running.

JOEL: Help! Jane! Stop this crazy thing!

> "One good turn equals
> another!" Tracker said mathematically.

CROW: Remember, kids, adverbs make sentences longer, but don’t mean anything themselves.

> "You’ve saved us…we’ll save
> you some time in the future!"

TOM: It’d be kind of hard to save her in the past.

>
> After checking his watch,

CROW: Not even half past the story… dang, I gotta stay.

> Maxl shouted, "Kabuki! I’ll be back
> for ya!" and blew her a kiss. For some reason, a lightning bolt
> appeared a second later.

JOEL: Can Freakazoid come over? Can Freakazoid come over?

>
> "Hmmmf…must be a storm brewin’," Jade observed. "I hate
> storms! They ruin my hair!"

TOM: Ever since I replaced my hair with paper napkins.

>
> Kabuki ran after Jade, but the badger turned around and
> clicked her tongue.

JOEL: Is she calling the Oompa Loompas?

> "You will forget about me," she said. "In fact,
> you will forget about this whole occurrence!"

TOM: It was the only compassionate way to help Captain Kirk overcome the pain of losing Rayna.

> Kabuki’s jade ring
> glowed again, and Kabuki fainted.

CROW: If Kabuki had gone straight to the police, this would never have happened.

>
> The vision ended.
>

[ To continue … ]

---

Explaining jokes: Believe it or not, we thought the 2000 Presidential Election was just the worst. The line about Mel Blanc’s missing thousandth voice references one of the minor Looney Tunes, one full of spot jokes about performers. The man with the thousand voices was short one and couldn’t think what.

The Rudy Giuliani joke is original to the late 90s; before he was known for being like … you know … all that he had the reputation for wanting the New York City police to be more pointlessly cruel to non-white people.

“Can Freakazoid come over?” references this Cartoon Network advertisement where the 2 Stupid Dogs kept on asking can Freakazoid come over, and don’t notice when Freakazoid joins in the question. You had no way, or reason, to know anything about this.

Rayna was this immortal robot that Captain Kirk met in this one episode where the Enterprise was frozen in time and shrunk to tabletop size by Merlin, who’s building robot women in his spare time but having trouble getting them to love. Everyone talks about the episode where alien rocks make Kirk and Abraham Lincoln wrestle a Klingon but they never mention this. Anyway she dies of plot and this hits Kirk harder than everything else in his life before and after, and Spock mind-melds Kirk so he can get over it.

This installment has another appearance of my misquoted Woody Woodpecker riff.

When I wrote this MiSTing I had never seen A Streetcar Named Desire and was just riffing on a line I’d picked up from cultural osmosis. I still have not seen A Streetcar Named Desire. I hear it’s got some lines in it.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 7

We got to meet Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s starring characters in last week’s installment of their 90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views. The youthful Maxl and Tracker missed out on being impressed into Dr Robotnik’s roboticized army because they missed that day at school or something. How will this deal with the problem of the missting Kabuki and the strange threatening note from “the Wandering Psycho”? Only narrative will tell!

The whole of this slightly later but still quite 90s MiSTing of Jaded Views should show up here. I’ll explain what needs explaining after this chapter.

---

>
> Chapter 4 Kabuki Comes To

JOEL: To the south is.

>
> Access granted.

TOM: You may now hate the rest of the story.

> The Freedom Fighters cheered as they saw the
> message displayed on the screen.
>
> "Now we need to send the necessary stimulation signal,"
> Bookshire said. "Computer,

CROW: Commence screaming.

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAA!

> run a low-power electric impulse, similar
> to brainwaves."
>
> Kabuki, lying on the floor,

TOM: Shouldn’t they have, like, a bed or something?

> gave a slight twitch,

CROW: And got two quivers in change.

> but didn’t
> do anything afterwards.

JOEL: Like shooting fish in a barrel… without a barrel… and without a fish.

>
> "Great," Sally said. "I guess we’ve only got one choice left

CROW: It’s time to Mousercize.

> — shock treatment."
>

TOM: Like, say, running electric current right into her body?

> Amaroq, who had come in a few minutes before, cracked his
> knuckles.

JOEL: And kicked some Tails.

> "This is gonna be fun!" he proclaimed.
>
> Suddenly, there was a high screeching sound

CROW: The modem finally got an answer at AOL.

> — the sort a cat
> makes when stepped on — and Kabuki was up, claws bared. "You just
> try it, wolf!" she hissed.

TOM: That’s kind of an awkward hiss, actually.

>
> "I could take you on any day of the week," Amaroq replied.

JOEL: Except for Thworbsday.

>
> "Break it up," came a voice, "Or you’ll be dealing with me."

TOM: Me, Al Franken.

> The voice was exactly the same as X’s, but it didn’t come from X.
>
> "X3!" X shouted.

CROW: So now we have three characters named X in one story.

>
> "In the flesh," X3 replied, "or, rather, the silicon skin
> alloy."

TOM: That’s funny because robots don’t have flesh.

CROW: Speak for yourself, plastic-head.

>
> Mega Man X3 was an alternate version of X,

JOEL: Oh, of course.

> who had crossed
> paths with the Freedom Fighters on a distant planet.

CROW: Because the Freedom Fighters weren’t busy enough on Mobius.

TOM: If the Freedom Fighters were in charge of Canada during the French and Indian War, they’d have been spending all their time trying to launch a manned spaceflight to Saturn.

> The fact that
> he existed in the same reality as X had caused them both to
> malfunction, so they had worked hard to become different.

JOEL: One of them decided to become Peter Potamus; the other, Precious Pupp.

> At this
> point, the weapon systems were different, and X3 had a strange
> morphing capability that allowed him to change shape,

CROW: Just like half the other characters on Mobius nowadays.

> but their
> minds and personalities were still about the same.

TOM: Sure it’s kind of cheating to have your characters all have the same personality, but it does make the story easier to write.

>
> "See anything on your perimeter scan?" Sally asked.

JOEL: It’s the formula for a trapezoid…but what does it mean?

>
> "As a matter of fact, yes," the robot replied.

CROW: But everything’s so small and far…

JOEL: You hold the binoculars the other way.

> "I saw a badger

TOM: All nice and pretty, like the ‘hind, of Conway Twitty.

> and a — a something; I couldn’t tell what it was because it was
> dressed in a black hood and cloak — who were fencing in a rather,
> um, unique way.

CROW: And by unique I mean sad and embarassing.

> They said something about meatloaf."
>
> "Get any names?" the princess asked.

TOM: Yes, but they’re all of former record-holding baseball players.

>
> "Yeah. One of them called himself…"

JOEL: Doctor Frank-n-furter.

>
> "The Wandering Psycho," Kabuki interrupted.

TOM: Bret Easton Ellis makes an even more pathetic stab at getting anyone to read his new stuff.

>
> "Uh, actually, the badger called himself something like
> Maxwell,

CROW: Maxwell makes the best VHS videotapes.

> and the shadowy guy said he was the Tracker."

TOM: He keeps your videotapes from getting all staticky.

>
> "Shut up," Kabuki commanded. "He sent me a note…"
>
> "This?" Knuckles inquired, and showed everyone the message
> they’d found in the heap of stuff.

JOEL: Ooooh.

CROW: I knew we’d see that note again.

TOM: The story’s just too tight to let it drop.

>
> "Yeah," Kabuki said. "It caused me to lose consciousness."
>

CROW: I’ve had that feeling with some of the stuff we’ve seen.

> "Because of its utter stupidity?" Amaroq asked.
>
> "No," Hedgehog X spoke up.

TOM: Because it was wrapped around a brick and thrown at her head.

> "Because it triggered something in
> her memory that had been somehow blocked out…right, Kabuki?"
>
> "How did you…"

JOEL: Happens all the time in these stories.

>
> "Been there, done that," was the only explanation Hedgehog X
> gave.
>
> "Let’s just say it’s something that you newbies weren’t there
> for," X said.

CROW: X and X feel closer to one another. It’s something X and X just don’t understand.

> "Newbies" was the term that he used whenever
> referring to Freedom Fighters who were new to the business,

TOM: Because calling them "florbnoxes" would be awkward.

> as
> opposed to veterans such as Sonic and Kate, who were there from the
> start.
>

JOEL: Or at least like Sonic.

> "Nevermind that," Rotor said. "Kabuki, what can you tell us
> about this Maxwell?"

TOM: He strongly believes that various meat products are hilarious.

>
> "To tell you the truth," Kabuki said, "I’d rather show you."
> The jade ring she always wore

CROW: And she always wore it, so don’t go thinking the authors just now thought it up.

> started glowing, and displayed an
> image on the wall.

JOEL: It’s the ring of flashbacks!

> It was totally black and green, rather like a
> Game Boy screen, but no-one seemed to mind.

CROW: Because Game Boy screens were known only to the 2038 teenaged humans who’d been transported there from Earth to take on new animal bodies and become trusted members of the inner cadre of Freedom Fighters.

[ To continue … ]

---

“To the south is” references an oddly truncated description in a room in an online game I played way back in the 90s; you’re better off if you just suppose it’s a non sequitur.

Peter Potamus was, and is, Hanna-Barbera’s hippo who travels through time with a monkey and a hot air balloon. Precious Pupp was in one of the supporting cartoons on Atom Ant, the one where he’s owned by that woman who looks kind of like an Old Wilma Flintstone but she has a motorcycle. His most notable quality is he had Muttley’s wheezy laugh first. This is not a reason to remember him.

The perimeter of a trapezoid is just the sum of all four legs. I don’t think there’s any simpler formula than that. Its area is one half times the distance between the two parallel sides times the sum of the length of the two parallel sides.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 6

Last time I did a host segment, fun for Mystery Science Theater 3000 and for Law and Order fans, but not directly related to Sonic the Hedgehog. So to catch up on developments in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s fan fiction Jaded Views? A strange, poorly-spelled letter signed `Wandering Psycho’ warns Kabuki that she’ll be his bride, and leaves Other People’s Heroes with tickets to the opera.

The entirety of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ ALL file in ]

JOEL: I can’t wait to see us on A&E.

>
> "Sacre bleu!" Antoine cried, outraged. "Ze operas were ze peak
> of ze entertainment!"

TOM: You see, it’s very funny when French guys like opera and nobody else does.

>
> "Hey, guys," Sonic said, "what-say we go talk to the others
> about this?"

JOEL: You know, that’s a lot of work. What if we just trade those "Whassup" commercial ripoffs instead?

>
> "Ya, mon," Knuckles said. "They might have gotten some
> development in Kabuki’s condition, too, eh?"

CROW: Anything can happen in a cut-away.

>
> Chapter 3 Drawn Blades

TOM: Incense and Peppermints.

>
> The grimy badger,

JOEL: That’s really the way you want every sentence to start.

> clad in a shirt with a strange design, holey
> pants,

CROW: Holey pants, Batman!

> and sandals, kicked the contraption again, then checked his
> watch.

JOEL: Wait, wrong hand.

> "I been doin’ dis fo’ ten minutes now!" he griped in a thick
> New York accent.

ALL: [ Snickering ]

TOM: Ah, he’s from Movie Brooklyn.

>
> "Not going too, well, eh ol’ buddy?" asked the figure in the
> dark suit and hood in a similar voice, without the New York accent.

JOEL: Golly gosh, you’re a big-time newspaper reporter and I’m just a copy boy. Ya think I can ever be important like you too?

>
> "No, it ain’t, Tracks," said the badger.

TOM: We’s gonnta be makin’ yuh, dat’s wut dat is.

> "I never did figure
> out how to woik dis t’ingy."
>
> "Maxl," said the hooded figure,

JOEL: Maxl’s getting advice from the jawas.

> "take it from your buddy,
> Tracker

TOM: I mention my name because I know you’re likely to forget it.

> — you’re a total klutz when it comes to machines. Anyways,
> it’s time for your fencing lesson. You’re getting better."

CROW: So, uh, when Robotnik overthrew the government and threw everyone he could into the roboticizers, what were Maxl and Tracker doing that he overlooked them?

JOEL: Oh, see, Robotnik conquered all of Mobius except for the junior high schools.

TOM: Yeah, it turns out you get really incompetent SwatBots out of Seventh Grade.

CROW: Really incompetent SwatBots? How could you tell?

>
> "Well, okay," said Maxl, kicking the contraption one last time

JOEL: He doesn’t even know the Fonzie move.

> before he went into his house to practice fencing with Tracker. On
> his way into the house,

TOM: Work on your machinery in the great outdoors, but go into the enclosed areas to perform some physical activity.

> Maxl looked at his watch,

JOEL: [ As Maxl ] My life would be empty if I didn’t have my watch.

> then mumbled
> something about operas and Jade.

CROW: Can *you* identify the plot point in this scene?

>
> Tracker drew his blade.
>
> "Wow!" said Maxl, "Dat’s a good pictcha!"
>
> "Thanks," said Tracker. "Your art lessons really helped."

JOEL: We leave this here for everyone who wants to slap this story.

>
> The two friends were sitting on Maxl’s green carpet, the only
> clean thing left in his house.

CROW: Sure, Mobius has been wracked by war for years, but the rug shampooing services are still first-rate.

> After fencing with Tracker, Maxl had
> agreed to give him an art lesson.

TOM: The average body is two heads tall.

CROW: Eyes are big, misshapen kidney-bean objects.

JOEL: Characters inserted into the series as the author’s avatars should be bright neon colors.

>
> "Well, since you won that last round of fencing,

CROW: I get the next round of carpentry sheds.

> I want to
> take you on again." said Tracker.
>
> "Deal," answered Maxl, "but you pull your Big Blade and I’ll
> take ya outta da picture."

TOM: Don’t these guys have anything to do?

JOEL: It’s probably winter break on Mobius or something.

>
> "Fine by me, just wait and see…." said Tracker, "Just don’t
> snap your fingers this time, okay?"

CROW: Last time you snapped your fingers we vanished and reappeared two weeks later in Jacksonville, Florida.

>
> Maxl nodded. The house floor was all hardwood with no
> furniture or mats, except for the green carpet.

JOEL: You think if this detail keeps up we’ll never get back to the story?

> For some reason,
> Maxl just couldn’t stand having any blood on his beautiful carpet.

TOM: And that’s all the personality we can afford in this fanfic.

> Some might say that was the only sane thing about him.

CROW: These people were fools, who’d never even suspected he kept pools of duck sauce.

>
> "To ahms!" yelled Maxl across his living room to Tracker. Both
> drew sizable two-foot long daggers.

JOEL: Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust! Ha!

> Tracker advanced on Maxl, the
> thought of spilling blood on his mind. Maxl advanced on Tracker, the
> thought of meatloaf on his mind.

TOM: See, thinking of meatloaf when you’re fighting is very funny.

> Soon, both were in striking
> distance of each-other. Maxl decided to try to trick Tracker.
>
> "Hey! A big meatloaf’s behind ya!" he yelled.

CROW: Yeah, and a chicken pot pie is laughing at you!

>
> "Huh??" asked Tracker, looking over his shoulder. Maxl struck
> at Tracker, who pivoted and parried. Tracker tried the same trick
> back on him, which was advantageous.
>
> "Wait!" yelled Tracker, "The meatloaf is behind you now!"

TOM: Oh, yeah, like I’m gonna fall for my own —

>
> "Food!" yelled Maxl. He spun around,

TOM: Never mind.

> and was stabbed in the
> back by Tracker.
>
> "Quick!" yelled Tracker. "Clap your hands!"

CROW: You’re happy *and* you know it, and you *really* want to show it!

>
> Maxl did so, and got up off of the floor. He no longer was
> bleeding, and the hole where he had been stabbed was gone.

JOEL: I hear there’s a reward for anyone who can turn this into something that makes sense.

>
> "Okay," Maxl said, checking his watch.

CROW: [ As Maxl ] I thought my watch was making a break for it, but I guess I was wrong.

> "We’ve sparred fo’ ten
> minutes. We kin stop now."

TOM: Ten minutes of exercise, five times a year, is enough for anyone.

>
> Meanwhile, a robot was watching everything from the underbrush
> a few hundred yards away.

CROW: The story’s all mixed up, it thinks one of us is in it.

[ To continue … ]

---

I guess Law and Order was running on A&E back then. “Whassup” was a … beer? … commercial that was kind of meme-y, back in the day. I feel like “Anything can happen in a cut-away” is stolen from MST3K itself but I don’t remember for sure.

“Ah, he’s from Movie Brooklyn” was one of Stephen Boyd’s favorite jokes ever, back in the day. The riff about not being able to tell the really incompetent SwatBots reflects on their Imperial Stormtrooper-like skills, at least in the fanfics I ever read. I’m sure in the actual cartoon they were a terrifying force.

The art lessons, the average body being two heads tall and such, owes a lot to a Sydney Harris panel comic about lessons from the (Something) Art School. It offered advice like ”the human body is twelve heads tall” — six or seven is the figure any real school will give you — and showed the misshapen figure you’d get from that. The caption explained the (Something) Art School was now closed.

“Ho! Ha ha! Guard! Turn!” and all is a Daffy Duck line.

I like Crow’s riff about the story thinking he and Tom Servo are in it, but I never heard anyone agree.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 5

Moving right along … my Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction based on Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views? You should be able to read the whole of it here.

Last time the story lurched into action with a poorly-spelled letter from a ‘Wandering Psycho’, which I’m sure hasn’t got any touch of edgy thoughtlessness behind it. But never mind that; it’s time for a host sketch! I’ll explain the obscurities behind it after the sketch.

---

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is lying over the desk, holding a note in his hands. JOEL looks up for a moment to say ‘Dum-Dum!’ GPC and CROW enter. ]

GPC: [ To CROW ] So the phone company said since the problem was the dead jacks were really just a separate number fixing them wasn’t covered in the monthly line repair premium I — [ Discovering JOEL ] — Oh, my!

TOM: Call the police!

[ GPC, CROW, JOEL hide under the desk. JOEL, holding the note, and CROW, with a sherrif’s star on his mask come up. JOEL does another ‘Dum-Dum!’ ]

JOEL: [ Reading, showing letter to CROW ] Wandering Psycho. Guy can’t even spell psycho.

CROW: [ In his best Jerry Orbach voice ] Yeah, whatever happened to literacy tests for criminals?

JOEL: We’ll see what the crime lab makes of this.

[ JOEL puts the paper on the desk; he and CROW look to the side, and GPC pops up. Joel makes the ‘Dum-dum!’ again. ]

GPC: There aren’t any good prints, but we matched paint residues to the types sold to cartoon studios.

JOEL: So we’re dealing with an animated cartoon.

GPC: Of recent vintage, based on the samples.

CROW: Too bad. I always wanted to bring Dinky Doodle to justice.

[ GPC ducks under the desk, JOEL and CROW turn away from her, TOM pops up. JOEL goes ‘Dum-Dum!’ again. ]

CROW: Mister Hedgehog! Could we talk with you?

TOM: My dad’s Mister Hedgehog. I’m Sonic. Look, I don’t know nothing about this Wandering Psycho.

JOEL: How’d you know we were interested in the Wandering Psycho?

TOM: It’s all over the street, man! I’ve got a brain.

CROW: Yeah, you got a brain. You got anything useful?

TOM: [ After a pause ] Kate Chaos. She’s all you need.

[ TOM ducks down, JOEL and CROW look over, GPC pops up. ]

JOEL: Miss Chaos? Kate Chaos? [ Flashing his hand ] NYPD, we’d like to talk about —

GPC: YOU CAN’T MAKE ME TALK!

CROW: Miss Chaos, please, we just need to know —

GPC: [ Breaking down, sobbing ] All right, all right, I’ve been jealous of Kabuki for years and when I saw the chance I had to go for it… she had everything, I had nothing… I was just taking my fair share… just what’s coming to me…

JOEL: Miss Chaos, you have the right to remain silent…

[ ALL duck under the table for a moment. GPC, CROW (with the star removed), JOEL and TOM stand up. JOEL quickly tosses a folded paper on the desk. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

JOEL: And that’s our final offer.

CROW: [ Normal voice ] Aggressive noodginess in the third? Forget it.

JOEL: You take us to trial, we push for the max jail time.

CROW: Fine. Over there’s our motion to suppress the confession.

TOM: Why aren’t I surprised?

[ JOEL tucks the paper down; GPC and TOM duck down; JOEL says ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

JOEL: Your honor, there’s no reason to throw out her confession.

CROW: She wasn’t Mirandized, it cannot stand.

JOEL: She wasn’t even a suspect when she confessed!

MAGIC VOICE: I have to side with the defense. Confession is out.

JOEL: Your honor —

MAGIC VOICE: Out.

[ CROW and JOEL duck down, then come back up, this time with CROW’s sherrif star back on. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

CROW: [ With Jerry Orbach voice again ] Anyway, we had pulled the LUDs on her phone but they didn’t come until today —

JOEL: Tell me something I want to hear.

CROW: Twenty-eight calls in two days from Kate Chaos to Kabuki Ninomiya. But here’s the interesting thing. Five minutes before every one of them, she called Amaroq Kapugen.

JOEL: Find him. Bring him in.

[ TOM pops up. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ ]

CROW: How many times do we have to ask you, Mister Kapugen?

JOEL: You can stay silent. We’ve got enough to convict you. Conspiracy to aggravated noodging. Just as much jail time in this state. *OR*, you can cooperate, and we cut a deal.

TOM: What are you looking for anyway?

JOEL: A name. Something to go on.

TOM: [ After sulking ] George DiCenzo.

CROW: George DiCenzo. That the truth?

TOM: So help me.

[ JOEL, TOM, CROW duck under the table. CROW (without the sherrif’s star), JOEL and TOM come up. ]

CROW: I told you you didn’t want my client.

JOEL: But she gives us DiCenzo —

TOM: Who was in "Back to the Future" with Christopher Lloyd —

JOEL: Who gives us Bob Hoskins by way of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" —

TOM: Getting us to "Balto" and —

CROW: You get Kevin Bacon. *We* get a suspended sentence.

JOEL: Deal.

[ GPC pops up; JOEL and TOM turn to the camera. JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ again. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Does the defendant understand the terms of her plea?

GPC: I do, your honor.

MAGIC VOICE: Then your plea bargain is approved. We’re recessed.

[ GPC and CROW duck under. COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing; JOEL goes ‘Dum-dum!’ again. ]

TOM: So you figure justice is fully served?

JOEL: Not quite, but we’re a good bit closer than we were this morning.

TOM: What if the jury won’t convict Bacon?

JOEL: If we can’t take that risk now and then, why are we here?

TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] Hm.

JOEL: [ To camera ] We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps commercial sign. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]

[ To continue … ]

---

At the time I was writing this I was watching a lot of Law and Order reruns on whatever cable channel had the rights in 1998? 1999? Whatever?

Dinky Doodle was a silent-era cartoon character for Walter Lantz Productions, most notable for getting a throwaway mention in Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I think G’s line about “I was just taking my fair share … just what’s coming to me” is a riff on Sally Brown’s Christmas list from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

An LUD is a “Local Usage Details”, logs of phone calls made and received. They were always pulling people’s LUDs on Law and Order back then.

The challenge in any sketch like this is finding an ending, especially one that doesn’t amount to the Brains breaking sketch-character and complaining about something in the sketch’s logic. I remember my pride in writing this when I realized I could turn it into a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, which is all we had for Internet memes back in 1998 or 1999. It was the dry meme spell between “Chewbacca Ate My Balls” and the Hamster Dance. But we were happy, in our way.

GPC’s phone problem in the introduction of the sketch is based on some nonsense I had to deal with in getting my apartment set up, but I can remember no details of that beyond that. Fun fact: at the time, my phone number ended 0001. Less fun fact: turns out a lot of people scamming the rent-to-own scam stores gave fake numbers ending 0001.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 4

Last time in Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd’s late-90s Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views, we saw the Knothole Village Gang, plus a bunch of characters from other people’s fan fictions, puttered around someone named Kabuki and everyone agreed they had individual tragic backstories. Not appearing yet: Boyd and Tramer’s new characters of Jade, Maxl, and Tracker.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things that need explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

>
> Chapter 2 The Letter

CROW: The inside story of "R".

>
> "Kabuki’s room is ze peegsty!" came a voice from somewhere
> under all the junk.

BOTS: [ Snickering ]

JOEL: Yes, folks, that’s really French.

>
> "Tell me about it, Ant," Sonic muttered.
>

CROW: OK, Uncle.

> "Why do I have to do this?" came a third voice.

TOM: Because we don’t like you.

>
> "To find out what’s wrong with Kabuki, Rack," Sonic replied to
> the unmistakable voice.

JOEL: She’s actually a character from another show, is the problem.

>
> "Not ‘Rack’," the voice replied testily,

CROW: Rack and *pinion*.

> "Amaroq.

JOEL: And Ahm a hard place.

> Am-uh-rack
> Ka-pyu-jin. Amaroq Kapugen,

TOM: I repeat that after carefully enunciating it for all those who missed it the first two times.

> meaning ‘the great black wolf’."

CROW: That’s such an inspiring name. I’m going to change my name to "Quro T. Rowbot," meaning, "the cute yellow robot."

>
> "Whatever you say, Rack," Sonic replied.
>
> The black wolf growled angrily.

TOM: So, his parents looked at him, noticed he was a black wolf, and decided to name him "Black Wolf." Got it.

> "Why should we be helping that
> cat, anyway?"

JOEL: The most incredible leader of the pack?

CROW: He’s the chief, he’s the pip, he’s the championship.

>
> "Any enemy of yours has to be a friend of mine, mon," Knuckles

TOM: Oh, this just in. Knuckles is also in this story.

> growled from somewhere in the pile. Amaroq had a really weird sense
> of humor

CROW: His elaborate "festival of grasshoppers" left audiences confused for weeks.

> and often insulted his team-members, which made him
> unpopular with most of the Freedom Fighters.

JOEL: A Freedom Fighter with annoying personality traits? How did he slip through the cracks?

> "You are a
> total…hey!"

CROW: A hey? Quit horsing around!

>
> "A total hey?" Tails wondered.

TOM: I’ve just been handed a bulletin. Tails is in this fanfic too.

>
> "Whuzzap?" Sonic asked. "Find something?"
>
> "A letter of some sort," the echidna replied. "Yecch…it’s
> all greasy."

CROW: That’s what happens when you recycle hair gel into wood pulp.

>
> "What does it say?" Sonic demanded.
>
> "The handwriting’s awful, Sonic," Knuckles observed, "but I

> think I can make out what it says:

JOEL: Or I can make something up that’s just as good.

>
> Deer Cabookee,
>
> I want you for my bryd. i’m comInG 4 u.

TOM: Oh, great, the story’s being invaded by IRCers.

> Uh-oh! It’z 4 in the
> Afternon! I don’t kno what that meanz,

CROW: Except that I’ll probably have to eat at a ‘Breakfast served anytime’ sort of place.

> but I guess I’yd better stop
> writhing this letter!

TOM: How does he read the letter aloud so you can hear the misspelled words?

>
> -The WaNDring SyKKo

JOEL: The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots is after Kabuki?

>
> "Either that, or something about rabbits and mosquitoes in the
> cheese."

CROW: This passage included because mosquitoes and cheese are hilarious words.

>
> "Who’s this…wandering…what’s-his-name?" Tails asked.
>
> "You born on a farm, son?" Amaroq asked.

TOM: Or just raised in a barn?

>
> "I’m not your son," Tails replied,

JOEL: That’s the plot twist for the *next* story.

> "and please answer my
> question."

CROW: African or European?

>
> "Uhhhh…I don’t know either," Amaroq replied.

TOM: Aaaaaand he gets green slimed.

> "I just felt
> like saying that."

JOEL: Hey, Amaroq, if you’re not going to advance the plot any, could you at least have an annoying accent so we know we can ignore you?

>
> "Hey," said Sonic, who was now standing behind Knuckles and
> reading over his shoulder,

CROW: Sonic gets to be the leader ’cause he teleports from place to place.

> "what are those things taped to the
> letter?"
>
> "Hmmmm," the echidna said, "they appear to be tickets to see
> an opera."

TOM: The opera.

CROW: Just because they’re trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a very active theater community.

>
> "Ze opera?"

JOEL: Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool. Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb. Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. — I could go on like this all night, but it’s tough on my suspenders.

> Antoine asked, clapping his hands. "Magnifique!"
>
> "Since when have there been operas on Mobius?" Tails inquired.
>
> "Before you were born, mon," Knuckles replied.

TOM: So that’s, like, what, two years?

> "Before that
> ol’ Robuttnik took over. The one decent thing he ever did was ban
> them."

CROW: So the great form of civil disobedience on Mobius is the opera?

>
> "Not too great, eh?" asked Tails, rhetorically.
>
> "You got it," said Amaroq.

TOM: Oh, we gotta go, guys.

JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Good for us.

[ To continue … ]

---

I’m not proud to show off my old ignorance of Amaroq (or Amarok), the great wolf of Inuit mythology. I’d probably have avoided Crow’s and Tom’s riffs coming dangerously near making fun of the word if I had. The riffs also show how I never heard of Jean Craighead George’s children’s novel Julie of the Wolves, which is probably where the last name “Kapugen” comes from.

IRC was — and still is — a real-time synchronous text-only communications medium. It’s something like if Discord wasn’t spying on your conversations with friends and feeding them to advertisers and LLM word sausage grinders. It had a reputation in the 90s for being fast and loose with orthography, much like the rest of the Internet.

The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots was named Cy-Kill, which is why that riff is logically formed and therefore funny. He was a motorcycle. Do you get it?

“Just because they’re trapped in a desperate struggle for survival against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a very active theater community” was a favorite riff of many people and I recall it being nominated for a “best riff of the year” when Web Site Number Nine did its MiSTing awards. What can I say, people like the slightly-too-much riffs.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 3

Welcome back to my fanfic treatment of Jaded Views, a Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd. Last time, we got a cast list. This time, who knows?

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We’ve still got the story to read.

>
> Chapter 1 Access Denied

JOEL: Or maybe not.

TOM: Sure looks like we can give up now.

>
> Can’t probe target.

CROW: It’s too buttery.

> The disheartening words flashed across
> Nicole’s screen.
>
> "Shoot," Kate said,

JOEL: Bang.

> running a hand through her long, brown
> hair.

CROW: Genie?

> "Even with both of us hooked up to Nicole, Kabuki is still
> immune to our scanning."

TOM: That’s what we get for not knowing how to do stuff.

>
> "I know, Sis," Hedgehog X replied. "Of course, keep in mind
> that we’re new to this telepathy thing."
>
> "Yeah," the fifteen-year-old human girl replied,

TOM: Fift… if that’s Marrissa I’m gonna vomit.

> "but you’d
> think that at least maybe two of the most powerful entities on the
> planet would be able to do something!"

JOEL: Two of the most powerful entities on the planet. Can you tell we’re in a fanfic?

>
> "Don’t get down on yuhself, Sugah," Bunnie said to Kate.

CROW: Just kiss me.

> "Remember, ah friend here," and with this, she pointed at the
> unconscious Siamese cat with probes on her head,

TOM: I think Bunnie knocked her out with her accent.

> "has had a pretty
> mysterious past."

JOEL: I mention this because you’ve surely forgotten this, and not just because the readers only now got here.

>
> "Please," HX said, "don’t talk about mysterious pasts around
> me…

CROW: I have no history, and I’m mighty jealous.

> I might start puking."
>
> Hedgehog X wasn’t exaggerating much. His past had been a major
> pain.

JOEL: You can just feel the tragedy.

> After the Life Jades had been stolen from the village of
> Bluebrook by Robotnik, a new Gem Child was needed to take the place
> of Willind, now called Packbell, who had been the Child of the Jades
> of Life.

TOM: Sentences like that are what happens when you just run together titles of fantasy novels.

>
> Without the Jades, creating a new life-form wasn’t easy for
> the other Power Gems,

CROW: *And* the Power Holograms..

> so the new life-form, who was meant to be a
> clone of Mobius’s champion,

TOM: What, they needed more obnoxious twits whose personalities are defined by eating chili dogs?

> Sonic the Hedgehog, came out wrong.

JOEL: It turns out instead of super-speed, the Sonic clone had super-spelling abilities.

> He
> was perpetually eleven years old (the age Sonic had been when he was
> cloned),

CROW: So he’s perpetually on the verge of being beaten up in middle school.

> as well as being purple and not having Sonic’s speed.

TOM: But other than creating another powerless pre-teen load it was a *roaring* success.

>
> For these reasons,

JOEL: And other reasons that have been changed to protect the innocent.

> Xavier — the name given to the new Child
> of the Super Emeralds

CROW: Because they were out of good names that week.

> — was banished and told to stay away from the
> Knothole Freedom Fighters.

TOM: With nowhere else to turn, he went to the home of his childhood friend Oscar Madison.

> However, after he pulled them out of a
> few scrapes, and was forced to reveal his true identity,

JOEL: Xavier is Clark Kent!

> the
> Emeralds cured his speed problem

CROW: Careful, that’s what made Robin Williams stop being funny.

> and let him join with the Knothole
> crowd.

TOM: They let him sit at the "in" table in the cafeteria and then at the table next to them at the pizza place.

>
> To make matters worse, Xavier — better known as Hedgehog X —

JOEL: Unbeknownst to Speed Racer, Hedgehog X is secretly his older brother Rex.

> had the mind of two beings.

CROW: Or the being of two minds.

TOM: The man with two brains!

> He had once been sent to an odd
> alternate version of Mobius, a planet called Terra (known to some as
> Earth),

CROW: Known to still others as "snoogie wuggles."

> where his mind was mixed with that of a sentient — albeit
> deceased — robot named Zero.

JOEL: Our hero!

> With Zero’s mind came the ability to
> become a cyborg — to be robotic and yet keep his free will

TOM: Which really comes in handy when he needs to watch bad movies.

> — a
> design which Uncle Chuck would no doubt follow, once the war was
> over.

JOEL: [ Ominously ] No doubt. If he knows what’s good for him. Mwuh-huh-huh-huh-hah-hah-hah!

>
> "Let’s get back to the task at hand, shall we?"

CROW: I’m tired of waiting out the chunks of exposition.

> asked Mega Man
> X (more commonly known as just "X"), a sentient robot from Earth who
> was best friends with Hedgehog X.

TOM: In the criminal justice system the people are represented by two separate yet equally important characters named X.

> "Bookshire, Rotor, how long do you
> think it’ll take to work this out?"
>
> "Could be hours," the aging raccoon replied.

CROW: Wait, no, I’m done.

> "We could use
> some help from any of you who know electronics."

JOEL: On second thought, maybe it’d be more efficient to just poke sticks at this stuff until it works again.

>
> "That’d be me," said X and HX at the same time.
>
> "Me too," Bunnie spoke up. "Ah’m kahnda partial to ’em, if
> y’all know what Ah mean."

TOM: Ah lahk nuthin bettah than a chicken-fried 20 microFarad capacituh.

>
> Sally agreed to help, too, along with a few others.

CROW: [ Whiny voice ] Does this thing work on AC or PM?

TOM: [ Also whiny ] I don’t wanna solder stuff, it smells sick.

JOEL: [ As above ] Are we the X’s or the O’s?

>
> "Uh, ‘scuse me," a voice said, "but don’t you think we should
> search Kabook’s room for any clues?"

CROW: Considering none of us knows who Kabook is or why we should care, I’d say no.

>
> Everyone in the room looked at Sonic the Hedgehog,

TOM: Ah, yes, the nominal star of our show, ladies and gentlemen.

> the one who
> had spoken, stared for a few seconds, and simultaneously hit
> themselves in the heads in a "why didn’t I think of that?" sort of
> way.

JOEL: Knothole village observes a moment of D’oh.

ALL: [ Joel slapping his head ] D’oh!

[ To continue … ]

---

The “Marrissa” reference is to Stephen Ratliff’s “Marissa Picard” fan fictions and if you think I spelled her name wrong, hey, who hasn’t?

“Xavier” is not, in fact, a bad name. I apologize for my error. I also don’t feel good about that Robin Williams joke but it reflects common wisdom in the 90s.

Zero “our hero” is, yes, a Schoolhouse Rock reference. Joel asking “Are we the X’s or the O’s” is one of the good running gags in It’s Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown — the team can’t figure out who they represent in Peppermint Patty’s football play diagrams, and she doesn’t clear the matter up. I recently rewatched this special, though, and learned the line is actually “are we the X’s or the zeroes”. Again, I apologize for my mistake.

“Kabook” is, obviously, the Kabuki person they were talking about earlier, and I believe I knew that when I wrote the MiSTing. The thrill of calling out an author for depending on something superficially not in the story was too strong, though. Once more, I apologize for my error.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 2

Last week I just got through the introductory sketches to my circa 1999 MiSTing of the Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction Jaded Views. The original story was by Stephen Tramer and Thaddeus Boyd and came to me through Tramer’s self-nomination.

The whole of the MiSTing of Jaded Views should be at this link. I’ll talk about things needing explanation at the end of this week’s installment.

---

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file in. ]

> This work is written

TOM: I think that claim’s unduly optimistic.

> by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer,

CROW: Screenplay by Mark Evanier.

JOEL: From a story outline by Ron Goulart and Brian Daley.

TOM: Based on a sneeze by Harlan Ellison.

> and
> is their sole property. If you wish to copy this,

JOEL: Try stuffing your computer in a mimeograph machine.

> fine, but if you
> use it to make a quick buck for yourself,

CROW: You should’ve cloned deer instead.

> we will hunt you down and
> kill you (either that, or prosecute you to the maximum extent of the
> law).

TOM: You think there’s a huge body of law dedicated to protecting Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic characters?

>
> The following work is purely fictitious

CROW: In fact, none of us are even here.

> (and if you didn’t
> figure that out for yourself, you should consult a psychiatrist),
> except for the fact that a few characters herein are comparable to

JOEL: Jujubees.

> some real people we know.
>
> We’d like to thank anyone and everyone who has ever written a
> Sonic the Hedgehog story,

TOM: What a neat coincidence. We want to plead for mercy from all those same writers.

> because I draw many ideas from these.
> We’d also like to thank the programmers at Square Soft who created
> Final Fantasy 3, since We’ve made a few jokes in this story about

CROW: … how we can’t figure out how many people we are.

> that game.
>
> Should anything come up in this story that conflicts with any
> other Sonic stories

TOM: We won’t be surprised.

> — past, present, or future — just say that
> this is an alternate reality and that the events here occurred
> differently for some reason.

JOEL: All righty.

ALL: This is an alternate reality and that the events here have occurred differently for some reason.

>
> All characters herein are created by Service and Games (SEGA),

CROW: Writing out "Service and Games." The true mark of the hardcore fanboy.

> and by Archie Comics, with the following exceptions

> (alphabetically):
>

JOEL: We surveyed 100 people about the exceptions for this story, top five answers are on the board… Crow?

CROW: I’m gonna say "Superman."

JOEL: Show me… Superman!

> Amaroq Kapugen – Jesse Rhodes
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike! Next name?

CROW: Andy Richter.

JOEL: Andy Richter, is he on the board?

> ANT 100 – Anthony Testa
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes, you have one left.

CROW: Oh, man, oh, man, I’m gonna have to get this… uhh… Bookshire?

TOM: Good answer, good answer!

JOEL: Show me… Bookshire!

> Bookshire Draftwood – David Pistone
>

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding ding! You’re up by 25 points… next?

CROW: I’m gonna go with Space Ghost and Dino Boy.

JOEL: Show me… Space Ghost with Dino Boy!

> Hedgehog X – Brent Roberts

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Sorry, that’s your third strike, we have to go to the other side. Tom, this is your chance to steal it away if you can find one character that’s on the board.

TOM: This is tough, this is tough, I’m gonna go with… gotta be one of the authors.

CROW: Ooh. Good one.

JOEL: Show me… Thaddeus Boyd or Stephen Tramer!

>
> Jade – Thad Boyd
> & Stephen Tramer

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding!

TOM: [ Jumping up and down ] I won! I won!

CROW: You got lucky!

>

JOEL: OK, second round, top eight answers are on the board, Crow, you get this one.

CROW: OK, I’m gonna say Bud Collyer.

JOEL: Bud Collyer, are you up there?

> Kabuki Ninomiya – Jill Quindiagan
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] That’s your first strike of the second round.

CROW: That’s it, I’m gonna pass.

JOEL: You sure?

CROW: Yup. Over to you, Tom.

TOM: Ooh, OK. I’m going with Tom and Jerry.

JOEL: Tom and Jerry, good answer, is it up there?

> Kate Chaos – Stefanie Londo
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike against you. No pressure, now.

TOM: Woody Woodpecker.

JOEL: Oh, Woody?

> Maxl – Stephen Tramer
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes. A little pressure now. If you get a third strike, Crow could steal it from you.

TOM: I’m not worried about that, it’s just the loss of face I mind.

JOEL: So who’re you going with?

TOM: Uhm… I don’t know… Uh…

JOEL: We need an answer.

TOM: I, uh… I want…

> Mega Man X – Capcom games

TOM: [ Quickly ] Betty Boop!

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] I’m sorry, you weren’t in time, and now Crow, you have the chance to steal.

CROW: Ooh, uh, I’m gonna go with Mega Man.

JOEL: That’s already up on the board.

CROW: Yeah, but I got a good feeling about it.

JOEL: Mega Man, you in there?

>
> Mega Man X3 – Glen Swift
>

JOEL: Judges? … ding ding ding ding!

CROW: Yeah!

JOEL: You win the second round, we’re now tied, this will decide the winner. Top three answers on the board, Tom, you have control.

TOM: You know, we haven’t seen everybody’s fave ineffective schmuckleball fanfic star yet. I bet Packbell’s in it.

CROW: Good answer, good answer.

JOEL: Show me… Packbell!

> Packbell – David Pistone
>

TOM: Yes!

JOEL: Forty points for you, now, can you get either of the remaining characters?

TOM: How many times have our illustrious authors put themselves in already?

CROW: Three times, on two characters.

TOM: This is fishing, but I think there’s another of the authors left in this one.

JOEL: Let’s see Boyd or Tramer…

> Tracker – Stephen Tramer
>

TOM: Woo-hoo!

JOEL: You’ve got 65 points, Tom, now, can you bring it home? Can you win this last one?

TOM: Aw, man, it all comes down to this, doesn’t it? Uh… let’s see. Got Bookshire, got the authors over and over, got Packbell…

JOEL: Five seconds, Tom.

TOM: Any of the Rugrats!

JOEL: Thomas J. Servo, you will win this game if one of the Rugrats comes out to play… show me Rugrats!

> Zero – Capcom

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Aw, I’m sorry, you do not carry the day.

TOM: I feel so inferior.

CROW: Did any of us win?

JOEL: We’ve still got the story to read.

[ To continue … ]

---

Or … to start, really. You know how it is sometimes.

Mark Evanier, if you’re of my age cohort, wrote every cartoon you watched growing up. Ron Goulart, who died recently, was a renowned historian of comic strips, comic books, and animation. Brian Daley wrote a bunch of the early Star Wars original novels. Harlan Ellison you already know about. Fun fact: I wrote that riff about him before I even finished reading the story. There is a reason that’s a fun fact but it must wait for its revelation.

I liked the long list of character appearances; it let me do opening/closing credits gags the way the Brains sometimes would. I’m not sure how it turned into a game show sketch, but I’m glad it did. Bud Collyer was the original voice of Superman in theatrical shorts and on the radio, and went on to host every game show ever made. I remember at the time of writing this getting into the Hot Potato, an early-80s Family Feud-type game he hosted and that Game Show Network liked running. I don’t remember why I’m so hard on Packbell but I guess he turned up in a bunch of fan fictions back in the day and the ones I saw didn’t make him look good? Sorry.

MiSTed: Jaded Views, Part 1

Greetings and felicitations and such! With the successful posting of the last part of the second Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction I ever turned into Mystery Science Theater 3000, where could I go next? Most anywhere, but where I did choose was to — I believe — my second-to-last Sonic the Hedgehog fan fiction. I don’t come to this lightly; there’s over twenty things I could have done instead. But The Flophouse podcast just reviewed Sonic 2: The Secret of Knuckles’s Ooze so why shouldn’t I go for more Sonic stuff? There’s literally no reason to not.

Jaded Views was a story that coauthor Stephen Tramer, then a friend of mine, was very eager I riff, and though it took time to get around to it, I eventually did and was happy with how it turned out. Thaddeus Boyd I didn’t know at all, but we did eventually meet up in the comments section of Nathan Rabin’s Happy Place, one of my favorite sites out there. He said that he loved the fun I had with some dopey stories he and his friend wrote when they were twelve. I admitted, and admit, that I’m less proud than I used to be of making fun of a couple twelve-year-old boys’ fan fiction but as you read it all, I think you’ll concede I helped make a better experience of it. If you don’t, that’s life, isn’t it?

This is just the opening of the story, but I’ll explain thoughts about it afterwards anyway. To get ahead of things: I wrote this in 1998 or 1999 or so and that’s why there’s talk about Bill Cosby that’s whimsical and merry.

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[ OPENING CREDITS ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. TOM, holding a script in both hands, is behind the desk. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J. Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants.

TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and 20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming. I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich’s ghost. Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a crossover bi-monthly comic book!

[ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet; Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it’s only the START of ‘A TOUCH OF MAGIC.’" JOEL leans back out. ]

TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the Rich Little Ghost" —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh, Casper, you’re richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads, "For the first time — meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)’s mischievous aunts transfer Richie’s allowance for one week to Casper, and cast Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story, "Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to the Rich character — I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems," number 34 —

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels. Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad… It’s a GEM-ergency!" JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives, unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich, Senior’s office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars. Richie’s uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously separate characters. I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The weight of history is against you. Thank you.

[ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply.

CROW: Thank you, hello, and… hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger. Good day.

[ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ]

TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein until the commercials. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly accepts editorials from responsible members of the community, but does not expect any. Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: We’ll be right back.

[ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIALS ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ]

JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep . twelve cents — you can earn your own spending money every week!

CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too — more than one hundred to choose from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes.

GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too.

[ MADS SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from it. TV’s FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV’s FRANK is there. A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ]

DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It’s not going to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ]

DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there isn’t enough heat to keep the car from freezing.

[ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV’S FRANK, and takes a handful of fake snow. ]

FRANK: So what we’ve invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I’m here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It’s early May, and I’m just plain chilly.

DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight bottle and….

[ TV’S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up. DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws it at the box. ]

DR. F: How’s that, Frank?

[ Several beats pass in silence ]

DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round.

[ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ]

DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers.

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left, drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled ‘ice cream.’ On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and a garage. ]

JOEL: If you’re like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby’s whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles?

TOM: We can’t spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own musical pen.

CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so draw a line from the car to the garage.

[ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical sequence plays. ]

JOEL: Of course, we’re never content to just recreate the old. We’ve added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to switch the musical pen to reggae …

[ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer, while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ]

TOM: *Or* rockabilly.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ]

CROW: And, of course, pipe organs.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with packaging tape. ]

DR. F: I think you’re gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You’re back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We’ve got a little spray of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda.

[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ]

ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages! Time to get your crayons and your —

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: MOVIE SIGN!

[ General panic. They leave for the theater. ]

[ To continue … ]

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Tom Servo’s lecture is me going on about the first fan theory I remember annoying me. Well, the joke people won’t let die, anyway. I am a fan of both Richie Rich and Casper, and really most of the classic Harvey lighthearted spooky characters line. Still have nearly all the comics my grandmother bought for young me, which is why my references and the comic books cited are correct.

People really, really loved my ranting, though. It was nominated for that year’s MSTie awards for best host sketch. (I don’t remember whether it won.) “Tom Servo gets all huffy about a petty issue and Crow insults him” is a foolproof structure for a sketch; if you need one, try it yourself.

The car thermos bottle is basically just a garage, right? I owned a 1989 Celebrity at the time. I’d like to share some memories of the experience except it is impossible to remember a 1989 Chevy Celebrity; take a look at one and you’ll agree. As to why the scene is set in Leon, Wisconsin? … Looking up Leon, Wisconsin on Wikipedia tells me that it’s where Mercury 7 astronaut Deke Slayton was from, so that’s got to be what I was thinking.

“Poppa Panda” is not a Harvey Comics character, unlike most everybody else everyone calls everyone. It references the short-lived early-80s Saturday morning cartoon Pandamonium that I remember making an impression on me but I can’t tell you a thing about it past it had a character named “Poppa Panda” and nobody has a copy.