So I’m going to run another Mystery Science Theater 3000 fanfic here. This one’s short enough to do in two segments — it’s a bit long for a single piece — and it’s riffing on an article of dietary advice that the Modern Mechanix blog ran years ago. They used to run weird bits from the back issues of their magazines and it was such a delight. I wrote this somewhere around late 2015, if my notes are right. See if you can spot where I future-proofed a riff!
[ START. The Brains are in the theater. ]
> Eating for Death
TOM: My favorite _Columbo_ episode! Patrick McGoohan plays this world-famous chef being blackmailed and …
> By Bernarr Macfadden
CROW: Um …
TOM: Yeah, exactly which parts of that name are spelled wrong?
> _Physical Culture_, March 1922
MIKE: I forgot to renew my subscription!
> THE crime of the age is meal time eating — without
CROW: Also that Sacco and Vanzetti thing. But mostly eating.
TOM: Snacking is the misdemeanor of the age!
> It is the direct cause of more suffering,
> weakness and disease than any other evil.
CROW: Even more than not appreciating your parents?
> It poisons the life stream at its very source.
TOM: Its Snackables!
> “The blood is the life.”
MIKE: The spice is the life?
TOM: The blood is spiced?
> The quality of this
> liquid determines vital activity throughout every part of
> the body.
CROW: I think Bernarr Macfadden grossly underestimates the importance of acetylcholinesterase.
MIKE: You’re *always* accusing people of underestimating the importance of acetylcholinesterase.
CROW: I just think it’s very important is all.
> You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human
TOM: You can be a large turtle-like artificial intelligence!
CROW: You can be a leading importer of cheese to Denmark!
MIKE: You can be several key innovations in the history of Timothy hay!
> or you can be a half-alive mass of human
> flesh — not unlike the jelly-fish.
CROW: Jellyfish are made of human flesh?
TOM: Ew ew ew ew ew ew *ew*.
> It is the quality of
> your blood that determines entirely to which class you
CROW: Is this gonna be one of those stories where Bernarr Macfadden finds out his blood was replaced with a high-grade polymer and suddenly nobody will talk to him anymore?
> Eating without appetite means devitalized blood.
MIKE: Or that you’re putting more melted cheese on everything.
> The stomach is not ready to digest food at such times.
TOM: It’s off wandering around, taking in museums, reading good books, and then you throw a big slab of bean-and-cheese burrito at it.
> It is appetite — a strong craving for food —
CROW: A lesser craving for pottery shards.
> definitely indicates that the stomach is ready for
TOM: Why not just wait for the stomach to call?
CROW: Yeah, like, ‘Hey, stomach here. I’m raring to digest!’
> The food eaten is then keenly enjoyed.
MIKE: Well, it is like 2016.
MIKE: So who calls for *that*? That’s more like a tweet or a text message or something.
CROW: Excuse *us* for maintaining some dignified propriety, Mike.
> The pleasure in eating serves a very valuable
MIKE: It gives us a reason to go eat a second time, sometime.
> It not only causes an unusual activity of the
> salivary glands, but also of the glands of the stomach.
TOM: Glands! Is your stomach going through puberty?
CROW: It’s so awkward to have esophageal zits.
> So that when the food arrives in this organ, digestion
> and assimilation progress rapidly and satisfactorily.
MIKE: Though not without some sarcasm.
> Now when you eat without appetite, these
> invaluable functional processes are inactive or entirely
TOM: They take one sabbatical year and everything comes crashing down!
> and the food can do nothing but lie like lead in
> the stomach.
MIKE: Stop eating lead! There’s your problem.
> You say it won’t digest.
TOM: *You* say it won’t digest. We’re just nibbling some here.
> Why should it? No
> self-respecting stomach will allow itself to be outraged
> in this manner, without protest.
MIKE: My stomach’s wracked with depression and low self-esteem though.
CROW: Well, so you can eat any old time.
MIKE: Which … fits.
> Eat at meal time if you are hungry, but if the
> food has no taste respect the mandates of your stomach
MIKE: And sprinkle on the MSG powder.
> and wait until the next meal or until your appetite
> appears, even if it takes several meals or several days.
TOM: If you never eat again, then you may be losing weight.
[ To conclude … ]