What’s Going On In Mark Trail? Why didn’t the Ohio cops arrest Mark Trail? July – October 2023

When we last saw Jules Rivera’s Mark Trail, Mark and his father were escaping a disastrous press conference where State Senator Sam Smalls pronounced them rioters. It turns out that Sam Smalls was on the take, as the kids say in old-time-radio cop shows, and the Trails led the police to the evidence, particularly in trafficked exotic animals. So you can see why they decided not to prosecute the Trails for punching them and fleeing arrest.

If this seems unsatisfactory to you … well, I admit it feels like a gap to me too. I suppose it fits with the old story motif that the good guys are cleared, or forgiven, whatever their transgressions were. Remember how funny it was that time the Mayor of Townsville explained to the Powerpuff Girls that it’s still illegal to break out of jail even if you broke out to catch the people who framed you for a different crime? It wouldn’t be a joke if not for stories that used this gimmick.

I hope here to catch you up to late October 2023 in Mark Trail. If you’re reading this after about January 2024, or want to see my other Mark Trail essays, look here. If you want to follow on the Rex Scorpius adventures, keep on reading here.

Mark Trail.

31 July – 21 October 2023.

Stunt driver Rex Scorpius and his Mom carried Mark Trail and his Dad away from the alleged riot. At the Scorpius’s campsite they review what they know. Mostly, that it’s crazy Senator Smalls labelled them rioters and demanded their arrest. Happy Trail knows the genre he’s in. He figures Smalls is taking bribes from shipping company DuckDuckGooose. Seems reasonable, but how to prove it?

Mark Trail’s idea: make a big noise and see who starts shooting at them. From this I learn Mark Trail’s been reading a lot of noir detective stories. The next day he begins a live stream on … something … while riding in Rex Scorpius’s racecar. I don’t understand live streaming, sorry. But the plan is a success. The blend of high-speed driving and alarming news about train operations and vinyl chlorides draws in the viewers. And also Professor Bee Sharp.

I’d mentioned last time it was odd Bee Sharp, spokes-scientist for DuckDuckGooose Shipping, hadn’t appeared in the story. He turned up right after my last check-in to report how everything was great, what’s to worry about? But now he’s calling in to the Mark Trail drivestream to report: DuckDuckGooose faked him! They made an AI face and body scam of him to say whatever they want. He barely got paid to have his identity ripped off, while Senator Smalls got a freaking wildebeest from them.

So now the drivesteam has a target: Senator Smalls’s mansion to see if he has got a wildebeest there. They arrive at the same time as the cops and find, yeah, Smalls wanted a wildebeest (and other bribes) to see about loosening rail and chemical safety rules in Ohio. So the Senator’s in trouble and the Trails (and Scorpiuses) are not, and we’re to a happy end.

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Mark Trail’s current story began the 4th of September. But before that, let me share Cherry Trail’s stories. She’d started out with a story about bee colony collapse. The bees heisted from the statue of the Forest Pioneer were dying off. But once you’ve stopped poisoning them, what can you do? Especially when they mostly need easy food to build strength to overcome the mites preying on them?

Fortunately the Sunny Soleil Society has an emergency. This may seem like fortunate timing but, you know, Violet Cheshire has a lot of emergencies. In this case: she’s got way too much hibiscus, which the Sunny Soleil Society President is deathly allergic to. Cherry Trail has to get them out anywhere, and you know what’s good for Georgia bees? So that’s two problems that nicely cancel each other out, once you do a lot of hibiscus transplanting.

Her new story, which began the 18th of September, started with her era’s greatest terror: someone asking if they might have a word with you. Someone’s been leaving accusatory notes about the kudzu on people’s properties. Cherry Trail’s the obvious if not only suspect, except the notes are in cursive so she’s out. Honest Ernest points them to Squirrelly Sandy, proprietor of the bakery and definitely someone who has a lecture ready to go about feeding squirrels peanuts. (Peanuts should not be a squirrel’s only food. But if you’re going to feed it to them, roast the nuts at about 300 Fahrenheit for a half-hour. This kills a fungus that could otherwise be a problem. Plus it makes your home smell of roast peanuts.) She’s quickly won over by Cherry Trail’s anti-what-is-this-Kudzu-Crusader’s-weird-deal energy.

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Meanwhile Mark Trail’s story features his son Rusty. Also Rusty’s friends. After they successfully were not eaten by the bassigator they’re looking for something even more paranormal: aliens. There’s a video of weird lights in the Lost Forest and weird rumors about something out there. Mark Trail leads the gang on an expedition where he gets to show off that he knows how to find north using a compass or moss. (He doesn’t show the analog clock face trick. Look it up, it’s wild.) Also that he can buy pizza anytime he wants.

They don’t find aliens. They do find a weird spot, though. It looks like a campsite, except someone left behind a goofy rubber horse mask. It’s too late from Halloween for it to be a lost costume. There’s cans of weird pink crystals. There’s emptied cans of beans. Mark Trails suspects lost campers, but where are they?

Rusty Trail figures out the mask. It’s from the silly show Prank Starz, where host Tadd Crass would prank people. You remember, it’s from like five or six years ago. Or more precisely, twenty years ago which somehow was already the 21st century shut up maybe it’s you that’s old. It turns out Crass, these days, is hawking Himalayan salt — explaining the pink crystals. And he’s got a survival guide, written “with the help of AI”, so you know it’s going to get people killed. Question is, has it already? We’ll see, in the weeks to come. For now, it’s time for the …

Sunday Animals Watch

Who’s showing up on Sundays, often with Mark Trail himself addressing us? These animals or nature-related events:

• Varroa Mites, 30 July 2023.
• Crows, 6 August 2023.
• The Ohio River, 13 August 2023.
• Bobcats, 20 August 2023.
• Algae and Sea Otters, 27 August 2023.
• Black, Brown, and Grizzly Bears, 3 September 2023.
• Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena, and biological diversity on Earth, 10 September 2023.
• Kudzu and Goats, 17 September 2023.
• Spotted Lanternflies, 24 September 2023.
• Sharks, 1 October 2023.
• Spiders and Centipedes, 8 October 2023. Content warning: realistic depiction of a house centipede.
• Bats and White Nose Syndrome, 15 October 2023.
• Coywolves, 22 October 2023. (Coyote-wolf hybrids.)

Next Week!

Karen Moy and June Brigman’s Mary Worth has stepped up its game, going for wedding after wedding — and now pre-marital sex so far offscreen it happened when Tadd Crass was on TV! We’ll look at those goings-on next week, all going well.