And now the conclusion of my MST3K treatment of The Tale of Fatty Coon.
TOM: It was.
CROW: Maybe the real punishment was having to be Fatty Coon all along.
> FATTY COON GOES FISHING
MIKE: A very special episode.
> One day Fatty Coon was strolling along the brook which flowed
> not far from his home.
CROW: Swift Creek?
TOM: Foster Brook.
MIKE: That’s … actually too new a reference for this.
> He stopped now and then, to crouch close to the
> water’s edge, in the hope of catching a fish.
CROW: ‘What if a fish was a goshawk egg pie?’
> And one time, when he
> lay quite still among the rocks, at the side of a deep pool, with his
> eyes searching the clear water, Fatty Coon suddenly saw something
> bright, all yellow and red, that lighted on the water right before
> him. It was a bug, or a huge fly.
MIKE: Or a tiny flying saucer.
TOM: Fatty eats the aliens’ peaceful expedition before they get started.
> And Fatty was very fond of bugs—to
> eat, you know.
ALL: We *know*.
CROW: As opposed to the ones he trains for pets.
> So he lost no time. The bright thing had scarcely
> settled on the water when Fatty reached out and seized it.
CROW: But he already seezed it! It was right in front of his eyes!
> He put it
> into his mouth, when the strangest thing happened. Fatty felt himself
> pulled right over into the water.
MIKE: Finally he crosses the Chandrasekhar limit and collapses into a black hole.
> He was surprised, for he never knew a bug or a fly to be so
> strong as that. Something pricked his cheek and Fatty thought that the
> bright thing had stung him.
CROW: Then this family of nutrias comes up and slaps Fatty silly.
> He tried to take it out of his mouth, and
> he was surprised again. Whatever the thing was, it seemed to be stuck
> fast in his mouth.
TOM: He’s delighted by something wanting him to eat it for a change.
> And all the time Fatty was being dragged along
> through the water. He began to be frightened.
MIKE: Hungry and frightened: the Fatty Coon story.
> And for the first time
> he noticed that there was a slender line which stretched from his
> mouth straight across the pool. As he looked along the line Fatty saw
> a man at the other end of it—a man, standing on the other side of the
CROW: ‘I don’t know how but I caught a human!’
TOM: ‘That’ll be eating for *hours*!’
> And he was pulling Fatty toward him as fast as he could.
> Do you wonder that Fatty Coon was frightened?
TOM: He didn’t have a license to catch men.
> He jumped
> back—as well as he could, in the water—and tried to swim away.
CROW: ‘Dive! Dive! Dive!’
> mouth hurt; but he plunged and pulled just the same, and jerked his
> head and squirmed and wriggled and twisted.
MIKE: *Extremely* Chubby Checker!
> And just as Fatty had
> almost given up hope of getting free, the gay-colored bug, or fly, or
> whatever it was, flew out of his mouth and took the line with it.
CROW: I wonder if Fatty Coon will go on to learn nothing from this?
> least, that was what Fatty Coon thought. And he swam quickly to the
> bank and scampered into the bushes.
MIKE: And ate his cover.
TOM: ‘Needs peanut butter!’
> Now, this was what really happened.
MIKE: Our story begins with the Algeciras Crisis of 1905.
> Farmer Green had come up
> the brook to catch trout. On the end of his fish-line he had tied a
> make-believe fly,
CROW: For the discerning fisher who doesn’t exist.
> with a hook hidden under its red and yellow wings.
> He had stolen along the brook very quietly, so that he wouldn’t
> frighten the fish.
TOM: He brought some presents in case he did, to reassure any scaredy-catfish.
> And he had made so little noise that Fatty Coon
> never heard him at all.
CROW: [ Fatty ] Hey, it’s hard to hear someone over the sound of my deep-fat fryer!
> Farmer Green had not seen Fatty, crouched as
> he was among the stones. And when Fatty reached out and grabbed the
> make-believe fly Farmer Green was even more surprised at what happened
> than Fatty himself.
TOM: Sammy Squirrel falls out of a tree, laughing.
MIKE: Fatty eats him.
> If the fish-hook hadn’t worked loose from Fatty’s
> mouth Farmer Green would have caught the queerest fish anybody ever
> caught, almost.
CROW: Well, there was that mermaid-cerberus this guy down in Belmar caught but that was something else.
> Something seemed to amuse Farmer Green, as he watched Fatty
> dive into the bushes; and he laughed loud and long.
TOM: See? Fatty Coon brings joy to the world, at last.
> But Fatty Coon
> didn’t laugh at all. His mouth was too sore;
MIKE: And full.
> and he was too
CROW: And awful.
> But he was very, very glad that the strange bug had flown
MIKE: And he learns the most important lesson of all, which is …
CROW: I dunno. Preferably food things.
TOM: Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
MIKE: Yeah, before Fatty eats it.
[ ALL exit the theater. ]
[ 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. TOM SERVO, MIKE, and CROW at the desk. ]
CROW: Well *and* so.
MIKE: So in his defense —
[ TOM, CROW groan. ]
MIKE: OK, but name something Fatty did that a real raccoon —
CROW: Don’t care.
TOM: Look, we already know Nature sucks. That’s why we have indoors. And animal stories where we like the animals.
CROW: And that is *all* the reminder of the cruel nature of the world that we ever need. Thank you.
MIKE: I .. well, over to you, Pearl.
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. PEARL, OBSERVER, and BOBO cackling. ]
PEARL: They don’t even suspect!
OBSERVER: Why would they?
BOBO: Suspect what?
[ PEARL, OBSERVER glare at BOBO. ]
OBSERVER: Chapters Six …
PEARL: Through Twenty.
BOBO: [ Not getting it. ] Oh. [ Getting it. ] Oh!
\ | /
\ | /
/ | \
/ | \
BOBO: [ Off screen ] Of this?
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and settings and concept are the property of … you know, I’m not sure. It used to be Best Brains but now I think that’s different? Well, it belongs to the people it really and truly belongs to and this is just me playing with their toys. _The Tale of Fatty Coon_ was written by Arthur Scott Bailey and published in 1915 and accessed via archive.org, which is why I am reasonably confident they’re in the public domain and can be used this way.
Keep Usenet circulating.
> Fatty Coon’s eyes turned green. It was a way they had,
> whenever he was about to eat anything