I’d wanted to move into sharing a fresh Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan fiction. I discovered that a folder I thought had a bunch of long-forgotten MiSTings did not have anything of note in it. So, to give me a month to work this all out, please enjoy this mildly forgotten MiSTing. I shared this update from the Galactic Federation of Light back in 2017, but that was like twenty years ago.
The reference here to “Commodore Schmidlapp” is to Doctor Mike Neylon, who had hosted Web Site Number Nine, the center of the MiSTing community in the 90s. About a year before this MiSTing was posted, he took the site down “for a weekend” for some upgrades or whatnot and he hadn’t been seen since. Observer’s reference to a “force-ten brain-imploder” I’m pretty sure was to whatever MiSTing I was working on next. I don’t have records good enough to say what I thought it was. Possibly a Stephen Ratliff piece. I contributed riffs to many of those and there’s at least one that, so far as I know, never got organized and finished into a complete piece. That might be worth sharing if I could be confident that Mr Ratliff, who was always very kind about people filling his stuff with jokes, would not object.
[ OPENING CREDITS ]
[ 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE. TOM SERVO is behind the desk. MIKE is sitting up front, near the camera, facing TOM. ]
TOM: Hi, everyone. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love. I’m Tom Servo, your host. Today we’ve got wonderful news for all of our loving and devoted fans. Starting Tuesday you’ll be able to find our new Special Collectible Crow T. Robot Gold Edition.
[ CROW, looking as he always does, enters from the left. ]
CROW: Hi, everyone. The gold edition me comes complete with netting, fresh-polished nose module, top-of-the-line sarcasm resequencer and an array of opinions on Peter Potamus. But there’s more —
MIKE: [ Raising his hand ] Does that come with director’s commentary?
TOM: Uhm —
CROW: Sure! Lots of commentary.
TOM: Won’t be able to shut him up!
[ GYPSY enters from the right. ]
GYPSY: And with the Ruby Edition collectible Tom Servo —
MIKE: Hold it; does the Crow come with trailers?
CROW: I — uh —
GYPSY: A trailer hitch.
MIKE: Is he in 5.1?
TOM: He’s … in … 8.3. I think.
CROW: I’ve heard of that.
TOM: Is it good?
GYPSY: I think so.
CROW: Yes! Any further questions?
[ MADS SIGN flashes. MIKE walks back to the table to get it. ]
MIKE: Hang on, the deleted scenes are calling.
[ MIKE taps the sign. ]
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. PEARL and BOBO are at a desk working on a great many forms; BOBO is dressed as accountant. OBSERVER watches the camera, curious. Calculators, notepads, and slide rules complete the table clutter. ]
OBSERVER: Does Crow come with animated chapter breaks?
BOBO: Deducting form 8-E, line 17 …
PEARL: Hello, Mike. Peculiar doll-thingies.
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. ]
CROW: Hey, we’re action figures!
TOM: I’m comfortable being a doll.
MIKE: Ah, what’re you doing, Pearl?
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. BOBO is muttering to PEARL. A bell rings from off-camera. ]
PEARL: [ To BOBO ] Oh, what, *again*? We’ve had him in the dungeon a *year* now and we’re not getting through.
BOBO: For the capital invested in keeping Doctor Mike — you can’t argue the return-on-evil. Look at the figures.
PEARL: Brain Guy, can’t you do this?
OBSERVER: Oh, Pearl, you know Bobo does forms better than I.
PEARL: [ To MIKE ] What are we doing? Oh, wouldn’t YOU like to know?
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. CROW, TOM, MIKE, and GYPSY are there. ]
MIKE: Well … yeah.
GYPSY: [ To TOM ] I just never saw you as a doll before.
[ CASTLE FORRESTER. BOBO is fiddling with a slide rule. ]
OBSERVER: Sorry up there, Mike; we’ve got some reports to fill in.
PEARL: Something *you* will understand perfectly after you get through this week’s experiment — if you DARE!
[ PEARL begins to cackle; OBSERVER pats her shoulder. ]
OBSERVER: [ Low-key ] It’s not all that evil.
PEARL: [ Similarly ] No? I thought we were picking these —
OBSERVER: You have to give them a change-up, something odd and then you let go with the force-ten brain-imploder. It works better.
PEARL: You’re the brain guy, but I want them to suffer more —
[ The bell rings again. ]
PEARL: Oh, somebody get Commodore Schmidlapp his tea already.
[ BOBO hits his palm against the slide rule, launching it to stage right. There follow several crashing glass noises, and then the hissing and bubbling of horrid liquids seeping places. BOBO whimpers. ]
[ SATELLITE OF LOVE. As before. ]
GYPSY: They’re getting stranger.
CROW: I just never saw you as a doll.
TOM: You should try accepting an expanded self-image.
[ MOVIE SIGN flashes. General alarm. ]
MIKE: Oh, great, save it — guys, we got movie sign!
[ Screaming and such continues. ]
[ 6… 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… ]
[ ALL enter theater. ]
MIKE: Wait, she’s torturing other Mikes?
>Reply-To: “Baron Maximillian von Schwartzmeinoppenhause”
CROW: Zany? You’re soaking in it!
>From: “Baron Maximillian von Schwartzmeinoppenhause”
TOM: That’s for everyone who missed the zany before.
MIKE: The gang.
>Subject: Re: GALACTIC FEDERATION Update: August 5, 2003
CROW: Attention Mister and Missus Galaxy and all the ships at sea! Flash!
TOM: Better tell Wolverine and Professor Xaiver.
>X-Newsreader: Microsoft Outlook Express 6.00.2800.1158
>X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2800.1165
MIKE: [ Clapping his hands ] Ole’!
>Date: Fri, 5 Sep 2003 02:02:48 -0600
TOM: We get the August update in September?
CROW: They’re pretty laid back in this part of the federation.
>X-Trace: news.uswest.net 1062748941 126.96.36.199 (Fri, 05 Sep 2003
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Fri, 05 Sep 2003 03:02:21 CDT
MIKE: There, see? Told you it was Central Daylight Time.
>Xref: rpi alt.alien.visitors:516492 alt.revisionism:1566553
TOM: Inside The GPS Signal.
To continue …